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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27930640">TMNT ABC III: Lives And Times Of The Turtles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_world_of_beautiful_monsters/pseuds/This_world_of_beautiful_monsters'>This_world_of_beautiful_monsters</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>ABC TMNT [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (IDW Comics), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Arson, Dog Eating, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Mental Illness, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mentions of addiction, Multi, Mutual Non-Con, Other, Past Brainwashing, Past Sexual Abuse, People Eating, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, The Astral Plane, Trauma, Withdrawal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:22:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>53,529</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27930640</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_world_of_beautiful_monsters/pseuds/This_world_of_beautiful_monsters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Stories from various TMNT universes (none of which I own).</p><p>Comments are appreciated.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alopex/Karai, Alopex/Leonardo, Alopex/Shinigami (TMNT), April O'Neil/Shinigami (TMNT), Casey Jones/Raphael (TMNT), Donatello/April O'Neil (TMNT), Donatello/Casey Jones (TMNT), Donatello/Mona Lisa (TMNT), Karai/Leonardo/Shinigami (TMNT), Leonardo/Oroku Saki, Michelangelo/Slash (TMNT), Mondo Gecko/Seymour Gutz, Sally Pride/Lindsey Baker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>ABC TMNT [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2013724</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Alternate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT IDW.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Donnie's swaying before the Shredder, blood soaking into his mask and pain throbbing through his tired body. His bo staff has been broken and tossed aside, the naginata blade buried in the wall. It takes everything in him not to fall.</p><p>He should be dead already, but Shredder's taking the time to monologue about what he'll do to Donnie's few surviving friends. He's forgotten the lessons he learned from killing Donnie's family--to strike hard and fast, without wasting a second.</p><p>Donnie hasn't forgotten that. Donnie doesn't forget anything.</p><p>"To me, my bo staff," he whispers. His fingers twitch, tapping a button on his wrist.</p><p>Shredder grinds to a halt, glancing down at him. "What did you say, vermin?" He sounds vaguely pissed off that Donnie interrupted him.</p><p>Donnie doesn't bother to explain, because the lower half of his bo is already flying into his hand. He swings, the sharply broken end of the staff slamming into Shredder's eye and piercing his brain. He thrusts deeper and deeper, red and grey running hot down his wrist as the Shredder's brain gives way. The human lets out a broken shriek that winds down into a throbbing gurgle while the smell of piss and shit feels the half-burnt room.</p><p>It's not a very heroic sight, but Donnie could not give less a shit.</p><p>He lets the Shredder fall, twitching, and leaves the lower half of his staff buried in his skull. He'll leave it there for the broadcast, when they tell the entire world that Shredder Island is no more. Ding dong, the dickwad is dead.</p><p>"Now what?" Donnie asks, rising stiffly to his feet.</p><p>The corpse has no answer.</p><p>"Fuck you too," he mutters, and turns to leave the room.</p><p> </p><p>For a while, he throws himself into fixing things, repairing the infrastructure that was destroyed in the final battle and also trying to figure out how to integrate a formerly closeted society of mutants into the wider world (whose denizens had proven profoundly useless for fixing their Shredder problem, thank you very fucking much).</p><p>But the thing is, there are <em>so many</em> people in New York willing to take those jobs, so many mechanics and politicians and diplomats and doctors ready to hold their fragile new world together. Donnie doesn't really feel needed so much as time passes, which is probably for the best, but...still.</p><p>His brothers always needed him, to build super-cars and keep the lights on and figure out why the microwave kept self-destructing. And as much as he complained about while they were alive, he <em>misses </em>being needed in the way he misses so much else.</p><p>It's also enough to make him crawl back into his cave, but he remembers what his counterpart said about not giving up, and he doesn't. He keeps searching for a new purpose, a new reason to keep going.</p><p>Then it dawns on him...just because <em>this </em>universe could grind on fine without him doesn't mean it's the same for the <em>others</em>.</p><p> </p><p>"You're sure about this?" Woody asks, light glinting on his tattooed head as he watches Donnie fiddle with the portable teleporter.</p><p>"As sure as I was the last ten times you asked me," Donnie says. Woody raises an eyebrow, and Donnie sighs. "Sorry. But yes, I am sure."</p><p>"Besides, it's not like it's going to be gone forever," Angel says. She's wearing civilian clothes instead that battered armor, a fresh purple streak glinting defiantly in her hair. "You <em>are</em> going come back and visit, right? I'm not going to have to steal the TARDIS and chase you down?" She gives Donnie a Look, the scar she got in Foot captivity wrinkling slightly as her eyes narrow.</p><p>"On my honor, ma'am," Donnie replies, throwing a snappy salute.</p><p>"Smartass," she mutters fondly.</p><p>"Cassie and I baked you a snack," April says, holding out a package of cookies. She's older and tired now, but her eyes have the same brightly fascinated spark they did when Donnie first met her. "And I expect you to take <em>pristine </em>notes while you're gone. You're going about to go on a monumental scientific mission, and I want to go over every detail when you get back."</p><p>"I will, and thank you," Donnie says, tucking the cookies into his pack.</p><p>He drops his knees to hung Cassie O'Neil, nine years old last month and wearing her black hair tied in a braid the way she does when she's training with Angel. "Good luck, Uncle Donnie," she murmurs.</p><p>"Backatcha, kid," he says, because it's something that Casey would say. "Be good now, okay?"</p><p>"Backatcha," she replies, planting a soft kiss on his cheek.</p><p>He hugs all of them, exchanging good wishes and sniffles they don't bother to hide. Then Donnie turns to point the teleporter at the wall, smiling as he feels it boot up in his hand and the room is engulfed in light. <em>God</em>, he wishes Harold was here to see this.</p><p>"Once more into the breach," he murmurs, and steps through.</p><p> </p><p>First stop is his younger counterpart's universe. They swap stories and theories while they sip coffee in his lab, keeping their voices down. Donnie doesn't want to see his younger-self's brothers, because it'll hurt too much to see them and he might be tempted to stay, where he's not needed.</p><p>"You killed Shredder, huh?" younger-Donnie says.</p><p>"Yeah," Donnie admits, staring into his coffee. He knows that younger-Donnie will understand why he had to do it, but...he's still young, and if he's anything like Donnie the idea of murder will put a sore taste in his mouth.</p><p>When they start talking about Splinter's latest career path, Donnie raises an eyebrow.</p><p>"That...that didn't happen in your universe, did it?" younger-Donnie asks.</p><p>"No," Donnie tells him. He doesn't say <em>Father died on that rooftop, instead</em>.</p><p>"Good," younger-Donnie says with a sigh. "Maybe something worthwhile will actually come from this clusterfuck."</p><p>They discuss Metalhead, too. "Did...did you have to kill him?"</p><p>"Yeah," Donnie says. Thinking of Metalhead always fills his heart with a special kind of pain. "Do--do you want me to tell you what I did?"</p><p>Younger-Donnie shakes his head. "I think I need to figure this out on your own. The differences between our universes...just talking to you creates enough ripple effects that might change data patterns in a way neither of us could antici--" He cuts himself when he sees Donnie smiling. "What?"</p><p>"Nothing," Donnie says. "Just..."</p><p>"An old geezer smiling at today's youth?" Younger-Donnie snarks.</p><p>"Bite me, whippersnapper."</p><p>They get to talking about Harold, and Donnie discovers that his younger-self's relationship with him is "on hiatus." "So he probably won't be very cooperative if I bring you along," younger-Donnie explains, looking sad. "Sorry."</p><p>"It's all right," Donnie assures. "He always gets over this shit eventually. I can come visit him next time."</p><p>Eventually, they confront the rhino and warthog in the room. "Does it ever go away?" younger Donnie asks, unable to meet his eyes. "The fear, the phantom pains...the nightmares?"</p><p>"They get better," Donnie tells him. "But they don't ever go away. You just have to find people to help you grind through it." He shoots his younger self a significant look. "You happy to be very lucky on that score."</p><p>At one point, he asks "Do you know a girl named Mona Lisa?" He doesn't want to talk to her or anything--too awkward, too painful--but he'd just like to know if she's okay.</p><p>But younger-Donnie just shakes his head, looking confused. "No. Why?"</p><p>And Donnie's tempted to say <em>If you ever meet her, stay as far away as possible, because otherwise you'll fall in love with her. And if you fall in love with her, maybe one day a monster will come along and kidnap her in exchange for your greatest designs. And you'll do it, even though it's as cliched as fuck, so you can buy time for the rescue, and he'll rape and gut her anyway. And then you'll have to fish her mutilated corpse out of a garbage pile, and while you're trying to make her body suitable for burial you'll find a broken egg inside</em> it,<em> and you'll never even know if </em><em>she</em><em> knew.</em></p><p>
  <em>And that will break you, and you won't be able to help your brothers, and you won't be worth anything until years after it's too late.</em>
</p><p>But he doesn't say any of that, because as much as it hurt to lose Mona, the joy of loving her is something he can't withhold from his younger self.</p><p>So he just says "No reason. Like you said, differences in data," and starts an obscure debate about some technological point while they finish their coffees.</p><p>"I'll take care of them," younger-Donnie whispers as they hug goodbye.</p><p>"I know you will," Donnie says, squeezing him back. "And you'll let them take care of you, 'kay?"</p><p>'Kay."</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't speak to any of his other counterparts, not wanting to confuse or depress them. He watches from the shadows, which is maybe a little creepy, but c'est la vie.</p><p>He sneaks into an oasis at the heart of a wasteland, watching as a robot version of himself argue with a giant Raph, an even more giant Leo, and a long-haired Mikey about something gloriously trivial while a meerkat girl observes them with a mix of contempt and fascination.</p><p>He sees a flesh-and-blood Donnie dancing on a rooftop with a younger, kuniochi April, moving in time with somebody's apartment radio.</p><p>He spots a massive version of himself muttering calculations as he huddles in a dump, peering at the remains of a computer through his goggles.</p><p>He makes his way through a watery world and perches on a rock, watching four young sea turtle splash and play in the water. The one with purple eyes holds up a strange-looking rock with a squeal of excitement.</p><p>He visits a universe recommended by his younger self, and wonders how these "Ghostbusters" ever lasted so long with those mechanical disasters on their backs.</p><p>He peers into the shadows of a ruined Foot headquarters and watches four versions of his family in black kneeling among the corpses of almost everyone they know, sobbing and murmuring to each other. He has no idea what to do for them, so he just watches until he finally sees Angel and April pick their way into the wreckage, and prays they have the strength to help that family survive what's been done to them.</p><p>He sees a version of himself sitting on a roof with his brothers, talking and laughing. The seams of the others' bodies shine metallic at times and their eyes have an electronic glow. Donnie considers speaking to this alternate self, but decides he'd probably only make things worse.</p><p>He glimpses a world where he and his brothers wage war against the Utroms, soaring through the sky in their turtle van as Leo's eyes flicker an unnatural blue under his cloak and Raph rides Pepperoni into battle and Mikey is a pretty good leader and his other self is tired, battered, broken but <em>alive</em>. An Utrom sniper tries to get him and Donnie gives him a good blow with his staff. His counterpart never realizes what he did, and that's how Donnie prefers it.</p><p>He finds a world where Oroku Saki hasn't found them--not yet--and watches from the trees as his younger, human self weaves sticks together and pulls them apart, a look of frustration in his eyes. Donnie doesn't remember much from his old life, but he remembers what it was like to be trapped in a world where he didn't even <em>know </em>what plastic was, where metal was reserved for swords, where his brain buzzed with an endless confusing need to <em>create</em> that just wasn't feasible out in the wilderness.</p><p>It's a cruel truth, but Donnie knows that when Oroku Saki killed them, he also blessed Donnie with access to the future. So he doesn't step out of the woods and tell his human self what's coming, just hopes that he'll be able to survive it.</p><p>He sees a battered cyborg version of himself making his way through a wasteland...and this other self has Mona at his side, cradling a laser rifle and wearing a beautiful set of armor. He follows this couple back to a hideout where his brothers are waiting--his brothers, and a little green-skinned girl with dark hair and a tail who jumps squealing into his other self's arms.</p><p>That sight is the one that almost breaks him, and the memory will always be enough to reduce him to tears.</p><p>But he presses on through universe after universe, occasionally popping back into his old world for a visit, but never staying long.</p><p>He hides from massive robot battles or apocalyptic storms, he navigates New Yorks composed of mutants or humans or aliens or all three. Some places look like they could use some help, but Donnie still gets the sense that this is not where he's needed most.</p><p>So he keeps going, the way his younger self taught him to, and one day he finds what he's looking for.</p><p> </p><p>He finds himself in a New York covered with Foot insignia, a sight that sends chills through his blood. He spends three days looking for his family and avoiding Foot patrols, until he finds a Mikey picking his way through the shadows.</p><p>This Mikey is tired and scratched up, wearing a leather jacket and a gun over his shoulder. His eyes are old and dead and tired, the way Donnie's sometimes are when he looks in the mirror. There's a stump where his left arm should be, jutting stiffly from his side.</p><p>And Donnie knows that this, <em>this </em>is a world where he's needed. Because if there was a Donnie in the universe worthy of that name, he would not have rested until this Mikey had the greatest prosthetic there ever was.</p><p>He steps into his younger brother's path, watches Mikey jerk to a stop, face blank with shock and disbelief. "Donnie..." he breathes, and Donnie's not surprised to hear him say, "You're <em>dead."</em></p><p>"Maybe in this world," Donnie says, feeling tears build up in throat. "But not anymore."</p><p>"Wha--what the fuck does that even--" Mikey's words are cut off as Donnie pulls him into a hug, clinging on to his brother for dear life. "I missed you," he whispers, tears burning hot in his eyes. "I missed you so <em>fucking much."</em></p><p>And then Mikey's clinging on to him with his remaining arm, and they hold onto each other like they'll never be able to let go.</p><p> </p><p>He tracks the others down. He explains to them, one by one, about his interdimensional travel, and he no longer gets impatient answering their many questions. Raph and Leo fight endlessly, until Donnie threatens to tase them both in the nuts (they still fight, but they do it less often, and Donnie takes what he can get).</p><p>"I love you," Donnie says to his brothers, over and over again, more than he ever did before their worlds fell apart. And they always say it back.</p><p>He throws himself into fixing what was once believed broken, making prosthetic limbs and eyes. Leo can't produce tears with his new eyes, but he can hold Donnie as he rocks back and forth, letting out fierce sobs. Raph cries, too, tears spilling from one eye as the other adjusts to the light for the first time.</p><p>Donnie makes a plan to kill their Shredder, one honed by experience. He helps them collect their surviving allies, gathers them into a fighting force of the kind that the Foot has long forgotten. One of his new allies is a trusted friend of April's, a battered older lizard who looks at him like she's just <em>daring </em>him to make a Renaissance painting joke.</p><p>They go together all of them, one last time. And they win, because nothing is impossible when you've woven the very fabric of the space-time continuum into a yellow brick road.</p><p>As they watch the Shredder's palace go up in flames, Donnie throws his arms around the nearest family members and squeezes them as hard as he can, relishing their steady presence.</p><p>This, he knows, is where he belongs, where he is <em>needed</em>. And it is the most wonderful feeling in the world.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I got inspired for this when I noticed that the dark future for IDW's "Turtles in Time" was basically the inverse for the 2003 show's "Same As It Never Was." In the latter Donnie is lost, and in the former Donnie is the only one left alive.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Black</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To most people, black is a negative concept. It means <em>darkness</em>, it means <em>evil, </em>it means looming helicopters and ugly suits, it means monsters lurking in the shadows.</p><p>Well, Leo is a monster lurking in the shadows, and he's always felt comfortable in black. He moves easier while wearing it, as if all the burdens of being Leader and Son and Brother and Slave Driver and Replacement Sensei and Fake-Mom have been lifted off his shoulders.</p><p>To him, black is the color of the underdark, the bottom of the rabbit hole, one of the few places he's ever felt truly safe. It's the color of the night, the time when he can run free and wild alongside the people he loves. It's the color of ink, spilling beautiful stories and pictures on stolen books or his precious kanji scrolls.</p><p>It's the color of the sky, just like blue, only you never have to worry about black skies turning grey. It's the color of the vast expanse of space, home to Captain Ryan, who for a long time was the only human who could ever look at a freaky little boy like Leo without shuddering.</p><p>And it's the color of blood in moonlight, the thick smoke rising from the smoldering remains of a job well done.</p><p>Leo supposes that black is the color of bad things, too--Parasitica's eyes, the Foot clan's uniforms. But hey, purple in the color of the <em>Kraang, </em>the alien race literally trying to destroy the world, and no one's given Donnie shit for wearing it since they met Leatherhead.</p><p>He supposes that his homemade armor looks kind of ridiculous in certain lights. Friends and allies occasionally have to hold back snickers, and enemies often laugh out loud.</p><p>Leo doesn't mind; he can accept <em>some</em> criticism, no matter what Raph thinks. He can laugh at himself, and he can laugh along with the others.</p><p>Sometimes, he's still laughing when he runs his enemies through.</p><p>Leo isn't sure how much his brothers suspect about what he did when he left his family, the first time he went out with Karai and Shini. Karai taught him all the clever ways you can make a body disappear, make a fire look accidental, sweep an entire warehouse full of corpses under the rug.</p><p>She showed him other things, too. How to clean blood off his clothes and weapons, rinsing the mess away until their bathtub was stained a permanent pink. How to get just a little high before a fight, because a little is all they need. How to give one person an orgasm, or how to hurt another until they're just a screaming mass of fear and pain.</p><p>Leo knows his father would probably be disappointed by what he's done, what he's become. But his father was never really there for him when he was alive, a fact that Leo can only admit to himself when he's wearing the black.</p><p>Things always become clearer when he's wearing the black. He can look back into the past and recognize where he's been too hard on his brothers recently, where he's taken out his building stress on them. Tomorrow or the next day, whenever he comes back from "clearing his head," he'll be nicer, able to make it up to them.</p><p>He has to do this every once in a while, when the anxiety and guilt and endless terror becomes too much. He knows his brothers can take care of themselves in the Lair, at least for a few days. Leo has an emergency communicator that only Donnie can use, and so far Donnie's never done so. Leo has never come back to anything beyond the usual level of chaos, and he always feels prepared to take care of it.</p><p>Leo suspects that Donnie has an inkling, at the very least, that things would not go well if Leo was interrupted while out "clearing his head" or forbidden from going at all. He would never think of hurting his brothers unnecessarily, but--well...his subconscious is full of painful memories and dark imaginings, and sometimes thinking is harder than it should be.</p><p>He has so <em>much </em>in his head, so much frustration he can't express to his father, so many sadistic deaths he can't inflict on the Shredder. If he isn't allowed to blow off some steam, as it were, he runs the risk of exploding and catching his family in the crossfire.</p><p>A Leo is a constellation, a collection of stars, which look cool and controlled from a distance, but close up are made of screaming hissing burning all-devouring fire. A Leo is a lion, a predator, with an ink-black mane and razor-sharp claws that hunger for blood.</p><p>Karai and Shini offer him sacrifices for his fire, scratching posts for his claws. Maybe they deserve it, maybe they don't...but they're human and he doesn't know them that well. That's enough for him.</p><p>There are always new people to kill, new Savate and Street Phantoms and Ghost Boys who think they can challenge the reign of the little Foot queen. And Leo, Karai, and Shinigami are happy to prove them wrong.</p><p>Leo can let himself sink into the black, give all the people who've ever called him monster and beast an actual <em>reason</em> for those cruel names. His world splinters into silver and red and inky darkness, and he thinks it's beautiful.</p><p>"Admiring yourself again?"</p><p>Leo glances away from the bathroom mirror and gives Shini a sheepish smile. "Just thinking."</p><p>"Mmmm." They walk towards him, light glinting on their scales and long black hair. They smile, revealing too many teeth as the contours of their body ripple and flow in the light.</p><p>Leo was quite surprised the first night they all got into bed together and Shini took off her black clothes and pointy hat, followed by her pale skin and pristine face. That was when Leo discovered that <em>she </em>was <em>they</em>, and they were a creature from a species that the old Japanese had only ever managed to glimpse, the heart of a hundred different fairy tales.</p><p>Surprised, but not repulsed. He was an unholy turtle-beast, after all, watching the performance alongside a snake-woman who liked using her tail and extra tongues in exquisitely obscene ways. "Nice to meet you, <em>mon ami</em>," he'd said, reaching out to kiss her glittering hand, and instantly knew he'd passed the test.</p><p>Shini reaches into the sink, where Leo has yet to rinse away the blood he's just scrubbed off his face, and coats their fingers in slick dark red. "Hold still," they say, their beautiful, inhuman face fixed with concentration. Knowing the routine, Leo obediently puckers out his mouth, letting Shini paint his nonexistent lips red.</p><p>The Leo wears blue who would never wear lipstick, certainly not lipstick made of blood. The Leo who wears black gives his lips an appreciative smack when Shini's done.</p><p>His brothers will only ever get glimpses of the Leo who wears black, flashes of cold steel and dark humor. Shini and Karai are the ones who get the full picture, because they're the only ones Leo trusts to embrace his monstrous side the way he's embraced theirs.</p><p>Case in point, when he and Shini exit the bathroom they find Karai kneeling on the floor, halfway through the corpse left there. She'd gotten used to eating human flesh in the brutal, hungry days after her transformation, and has never quite kicked the habit.</p><p>"Good of you to finally show up," she mutters through a mouthful of blood, rising to her feet.</p><p>"We wouldn't dream of interrupting your snack, sweetheart," Shini says as they tug her to the bed.</p><p>Tonight, they come up with the idea of Leo doing a striptease, and he's happy to oblige. He sheds pieces of armor to the beat of music blaring from Shini's cell phone, his feet light and sure on the motel room's bloody floor as he dances. He touches himself with a sense of casual familiarity, smiling while they cheer him on.</p><p>He isn't wearing his black mask when he finally joins them on the bed. He doesn't need it. The blackness is already buried within him, an entire galaxy inside his soul, deep and wild and full of strange possibilities.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Change</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They're all standing at the base of the building, peering up anxiously, wondering if Leo's going to get back to them okay.</p><p>All except for Donnie. He already <em>knows </em>that Leo isn't going to get back to them okay.</p><p>He knows this because this because Leo couldn't beat Shredder at his peak, which was two years ago. And Donnie is the only one who knows that that was Leo's peak, because he's the only one who knows about Leo's dizzy spells and flashes of pain in his knee, about the way that the crunch of feet on gravel makes him think of breaking bones and how he sometimes feels snow on his shell when there's nothing there, about all the times one eye or another flickers dark and blurry for a few terrible minutes.</p><p>Donnie knows these things, because he's the one who's been getting Leo illegal pills and trying without success to fix his chronic pain. His brother swears that he doesn't blame him for it, but occasionally a bit of bitterness will slip out and hurt them both.</p><p>So Donnie knows exactly what Leo's working with, and he knows it's not enough. He also knows that this Shredder is a hundred times stronger and faster than the one Leo fought so long ago, hopped up on the purest mutagen. Oroku Saki is long gone, burned away in a devastating green storm, reduced to a storm of blades and hate.</p><p>Donnie is the logical one, the one who worships facts and figures. He looks at the data and admits to himself, clearly and calmly, that Leo is not going to get out of this alive. And if they try to help him, they'll all be defeated again, only this time they won't get away alive.</p><p>He accepts this, which is easy since he already knew it was a very strong possibility. Then he starts doing something about it.</p><p>Donnie reaches into his belt and draws out a bit of rubbing alcohol, brought along precisely for this contingency. Nobody sees him dabbing on his neck; not even April, who's pouring all her telepathic power into trying to figure out what's going on up there.</p><p>So nobody's there to stop him when he pulls the needle out of his pocket.</p><p>It's the result of a lifetime of scientific discovery, years of exploring the different forms of mutagen. It contains samples from countless friends and foes and family members (taken against their will, perhaps, but since Donnie will never get a chance to practice medicine professionally he thinks he can play a little loose with the rules). There's even material from the Kraang and Super Shredder.</p><p>It's the apex of mutagen, and it's maybe the only thing that can beat a monster on the Shredder's scale.</p><p>The idea of this serum popped into his head a long time ago, while his brother was comatose in a bathtub and Donnie genuinely wasn't sure if they'd ever see New York again. It scared him then, and it scares him now. He's abandoned and restarted work on it more time than he can count; this is the only time he can say that about any of his projects.</p><p>Mutagen creates monsters, he knows. But the monsters are always better, smarter, <em>stronger</em> than what they were before.</p><p>Nearby, April clutches her head with a grasp. "Sometimes wrong..." she whispers. Raph lets out a snarl and starts climbing the wall again, heading to his death.</p><p>There is no time, no more excuses.</p><p>Donnie closes his eyes and jabs the mutagen into his neck.</p><p>He falls to his knees with a shriek, feeling lightning burn through his brains. It <em>hurts,</em> fuck it hurts, worse than his disintegration, worse than ripping out his own tooth when he was twelve, worse than every broken bone and bruised organ he's ever had. Mutagen isn't meant to be <em>injected</em>, especially not this demon's cocktail he's cooked up. People barely survive being <em>splashed</em> with the stuff.</p><p>But he keeps his finger through the plunger as heat rushes through his body, as his bones click and shift, as his skin starts to harden into something stiff and blocky and colored blackish green with threads of grey.</p><p>The others are spinning to him, rushing to his side. "SHIT!" Raph screams, falling off the wall. Mikey grabs for the needle and Donnie bats his hand away.</p><p>"It's ok--" His words are cut off as his jaw unhinges, massive <em>teeth</em> filling his mouth and scraping against skin that should rightfully be shredded. He can't speak, oh Darwin he can't close his <em>mouth</em>, and the panic burns through him as he rips out the needle before sinking claws into concrete.</p><p>They're gathered around him, yelling at each other, and suddenly he can feel their fear and panic and confusion and <em>betrayal </em>(<strong>why is he doing this to us, why put himself at risk </strong><em><strong>we love him</strong>)</em>. Tesla's fire, is this how April feels all the time?</p><p>He claps his hands to his head, claws tingling on his skin, begging them to <strong>stop stop stop the noise</strong>, and when he sees their shocked faces he suddenly realizes that they <em>heard</em> his silent cry.</p><p>And before he can even begin processing <em>that, </em>his shell unfolds.</p><p>Donnie howls and his brothers scream in sympathetic pain as hard carapace splits into something that's at once softer and so much stronger. They're <em>big</em>, his wings, sending everyone scurrying backward.</p><p>He hurts, he hurts so bad, but if he stays down for too long he won't be able to force himself upright and that's not what Leo needs.</p><p>He staggers upright<em>,</em> swaying, his wings flapping comically as they struggle to keep him upright. The others watch in silence, their faces blank shock and horror. The sight of them looking at him that way makes his heart fracture, but Donnie shoves that away, focuses on <em>Leo Leo Leo.</em></p><p>Donnie gives his wings an experimental flap, then another, shaking off the last of the mutagen. He takes a few steps back and to the side, judging the distance, calculations about wind resistance and angle of entrance buzzing through his head.</p><p>He starts to run, and his legs move faster than they ever have before. He flaps harder and harder, all his calculations breaking under an endless scream of <em>up up up.</em></p><p>When he takes off he lurches upward in an ungainly soar, flapping frantically and bouncing off to the side of the building, claws occasionally scrabbling at the stone to help thrust himself forward. But he's <em>flying</em>, graceless and beautiful. If he wasn't panting for air, he'd scream in triumph.</p><p>Then he lurches over the edge of the roof, and horror almost makes him fall out of the sky.</p><p>Leo's lying at the Shredder, clutching the bloody stump where his right arm used to be, covered in cuts and burns, his legs jutting out at unnatural angles. He hears Donnie's wing flaps and looks up, blue eyes going wide with shock.</p><p>Donnie lets out a howl of rage as he kicks Shredder in the head, sending him toppling. He'll get up in a second, but Donnie's already swooping back down the side of the building, Leo cradled in his arms.</p><p>His brother's thoughts buzz in Donnie's head, confused and wracked with pain: <strong>Donnie no no no no Donnie I made a mistake bad brother bad leader Splinter disappointed no no</strong></p><p><strong>It's okay, </strong>Donnie thinks firmly back at him. <strong>It's not your fault.</strong></p><p>
  <strong>Always my fault always my failure Donnie Donnie Donnie</strong>
</p><p>Donnie lands awkwardly in front of the others, gasping when Leo lets out a squeal of pain because he knows just how much it has to hurt before his brother would reveal it in front of the others.</p><p><b>Use your powers on the arm,</b> he mentally barks. Mikey and Raph are both throwing up while Casey stands stock-still, but April's already dropping by Leo's side, eyes glowing and face tight with concentration.</p><p>There's a <em>shriek </em>from above of metal on stone, sparks falling down around them as the Shredders skitters down the side of the building. "COWARDS!" he screams, which is a bit rich coming for a man who usually has a personal army do all the dirty work for him.</p><p>Donnie growls and hurtles back up to meet him, wings beating and tearing at the air. The Shredder leaps out at him and their bodies crash in midair, sending them both soaring back through a window.</p><p>They hit the floor with a crash and roll to their feet, facing each other with claws and teeth bared.</p><p>"<em>Abomination," </em>Shredder hisses.</p><p><strong>Says the man literally made of spikes</strong>, Donnie replies.</p><p>They charge at each other, ripping off pieces of each other's impossible skin with claws and teeth. There's no precision here, no grace and poise, just pure roaring mutant madness. Shredder lunges for his wings and Donnie snaps them away, tucking them behind his back as blood streams from his other limbs.</p><p>He's a formidable opponent, but Shredder is still the Shredder. Donnie hasn't had enough time to get used to this new body--<em>you should have done it earlier you fucking coward--</em>and he's too off-balance, too disoriented with all the noise in his head, and getting worse with every crushing blow.</p><p>The Shredder pins him to the floor, wrapping his fingers around Donnie's throat, claws grinding nauseatingly against his skin. "I'm going to show your family your corpse," he snarls, tightening his grip. "And then I'm going to kill them <em>slowly, </em>hurt them until they <em>beg </em>for death--"</p><p>
  <strong>SHUT.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>UP.</strong>
</p><p>The words scream between them, because Donnie is so so <em>tired</em> of all this self-righteous macho bullshit, of <em>years</em> of putting up with the demon who destroys everything he touches and he's <em>not going to take it anymore.</em></p><p>He hits Shredder with everything he's got. Not telekinetic power--no, that's April's forte. Instead, he <em>buries </em>the Shredder in perfectly preserved memories, drowns him in four years' worth of trauma.</p><p>Donnie shows the Shredder what it feels like to watch one brother be tossed through a window like a <em>fucking </em>brick, forever damaged. He shows the Shredder what's it like to see another brother's eyes turn blank white, to hear his voice dripping unfiltered hate. He shows the Shredder what's like to watch helplessly as your father dies <em>twice</em>, to see the world literally <em>burn, </em>to live through terrors and heartbreaks big and small.</p><p>The Shredder launches backward, clutching his temples and screaming. Donnie surges upward and brutally snaps his wrists before launching them both back out the window, Shredder thrashing in his arms. Fresh cuts open on Donnie's battered body, but he doesn't care.</p><p>Blood drips from them both as they rise, spattering the streets with crimson rain. Donnie can see the other huddled around April and Leo below and then he's going up, up, up as his muscles scream with effort.</p><p>Shredder's been reduced to incoherent howls, buried under the crushing grinding weight of <em>everything </em>Donnie's been through dumped on him <em>all</em> <em>at once. </em>The noise in his head is a black stream of gibberish, one that Donnie can barely grit his teeth and push away.</p><p>But he can feel the Shredder's <em>hate, </em>like a sword in his head, burning cruel and bright. And that sword drives him ever higher, until the air scrapes thin and painful in his throat.</p><p>Shredder's struggles start to die, a bit of sanity flickering back into his mind as he realizes what's about to happen.</p><p><strong>You've become a freak among freaks,</strong> he whispers. <strong>They'll never let you back in. Never.</strong></p><p><strong>I was always a freak, </strong>Donnie tells him. And it's true--he's always been freakishly smart, always driven to see the world on a different level. If he'd been human, he'd probably still be an outcast.</p><p>Maybe his new form will be too much for his family to take, and maybe it won't be. But he's damned if he's going to let Shredder decide that--decide <em>anything </em>anymore.</p><p>He lets go, and watches the monster fall. From this height, he just looks like a little drop of blood on the city's burning skin.</p><p>Donnie drifts down, watching his family gather around it. Leo sways at April's side, his arm heavily bundled in masks and April's sleeves and Casey's shirt.</p><p>Then they all look up at him, one by one, and he can feel the ripples of confusion and fear pulsing up at him.</p><p>He tenses, starts to pull away, because this is probably one dose of weirdness too far, especially from Donnie, crazy horny Donnie who fucking <em>injected </em>himself with this shit, who knows what he'll do next if we keep him around--</p><p>
  <strong>Don't!</strong>
</p><p>The voice echoes in his head, loud and fierce. Mikey's. His little brother stands on the sidewalk, staring up at him defiantly.</p><p><strong>We don't care what you look like, Donnie, </strong>Mikey promises him firmly.</p><p><strong>You must have used a lot of Karai's mutagen in the serum, </strong>April says. She's right; he always tried to leave himself an out, hopeless as it seems. <strong>She can show you how to shift.</strong> Can she? Now that he collects himself enough to think about it, maybe she can. <strong>And I can help you block out the voices, the feelings. Splinter showed me how.</strong></p><p><em>Splinter. </em>The thought is painful. But his father--his father always wanted him to do the right thing, didn't he? Is going the right thing, or staying?</p><p><strong>You did a stupid fucking thing, but that's over now. </strong>Raph growls. <strong>Now get back down here and fix Leo up before his arm starts rotting off.</strong></p><p><strong>It's...okay,</strong> Leo reminds him. <strong>It's...not...your...fault.</strong></p><p><strong>You did the right thing, Don, </strong>Casey says, his voice tinged with wonder. His next words sound a little hesitant, like a confession: <strong>And you...you look beautiful up there. Like an angel, but stronger.</strong> Donnie blinks at the words, at the wash of surprisingly emotions he suddenly feels from Casey and the ones he feels in return.</p><p>They all looks so small and breakable, down there on the ground. But Donnie is small and breakable up here, too. He's sustained damage, but they all have, and none of them have given up hope.</p><p>Now, for the first time, they have a chance to heal. And Donnie's smart enough to know that one should never waste something so precious.</p><p>He takes a deep breath and sinks back to earth, returning to his family. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Deal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>All versions.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Someone summoned the demon, but it didn't think much of the person who did it. He was too weak a vessel, too pathetic and self-absorbed. His mind offered nothing of interest.</p><p>So it drifted above the city, listening and watching as people talked and fought and fucked and ate and breathed and <em>were. </em>It turned a thousand lives over in its diaphanous fingers, but none them were tempting enough to make itself visible.</p><p>Then its eye fell on a building near the edge of the city. This building was as gray and boring as most of the others the district, tucked discreetly into the shadow of two other buildings. It dawned on the demon that this was a building with something to hide, and it decided to investigate.</p><p>As it drifted through the dim halls, the demon was not surprised to hear screaming.</p><p>It followed the noise as it was choked off to a soft groan, followed by the sound of a body being dragged across the floor. It came to a stop outside a dark door, watching two men in uniforms drag a limp green body inside.</p><p><em>Green? </em>This was very interesting. The body had the vague outline of a human male, but the demon had never seen a green human before. And the demon had seen many, many things, so many it no longer felt capable of being surprised by anything.</p><p>This, though...this was surprising. And because the demon liked surprises, it followed the men into the cell.</p><p>They entered a dark room that smelled of filth and terror, with no windows and a bathroom bucket in the corner. <em>Three</em> more of the strange green creatures--they looked rather like turtles--sat lined up against the wall, chains attached to electric collars around their necks.</p><p>Instead of shrinking away when the door opened, as was natural for creatures in their position, they strained forward, reaching for the new arrival with bound hands and desperate eyes. One man held up a shock button in warning while the other shackled the creature to the wall, giving him a cruel little pat on the head before they both swaggered out.</p><p>The three turtles gathered around the fourth as best they could, exchanging soft, comforting murmurs as one of them checked the new arrival for any new wounds. The demon leaned against the wall and watched them curiously.</p><p>They had been through hell, these turtle-men. The demon could see their scars, some with the rough edges of battle and others with the vicious precision of torture. Their bodies were covered in maps of bruises, revealing how they had been hurt and violated in every way imaginative. Their bodies were stripped by hunger and slimed with grime, their necks and wrists rubbed raw with the endless clinking of chains.</p><p>But there was a fierce defiance in their eyes, in the way they talked and share comforting jokes with their heads held high. Their bodies had the kind of taut muscle that could only come from somehow finding a way to do pushups and situps and other exercises in their chains. They had a fire in them which nothing could put out, and the demon thought that was beautiful.</p><p>It ran a light touch through the minds, weaving past their darker, more recent memories to glimpse heroic battles against vicious foes, terrifying displays of skill. Yes, he thought he could that these beings had quite a bit of potential.</p><p>They all stiffened. "What was that?" one said, clapping a hand to his head. Very sensitive, apparently; most humans never picked up the demon's touch unless it wanted them to. Very intriguing, indeed.</p><p>It stepped out of the shadows, filling the room with its own, deceptively soft light. They all gasped and lurched to their feet, chains jangling as they were caught before they could rise to a standing position. The injured one sagged against the wall, supported by the smallest one while the other two bulled forward as far as they could go.</p><p>"Who the fuck are you?" the brawniest one demanded, eyes glinting bright and fierce in the dark.</p><p>"No one you know," the demon said. It knew that these turtles had encountered many monsters, but it was not one of them. "Just a passing stranger, drawn in by a very interesting sight."</p><p> "We ain't on display," the brawny one snarled.</p><p>"Aren't you?" the demon asked, raising an eyebrow. Cruel, perhaps but it couldn't help itself sometimes.</p><p>The brawny one launched forward with a snarl, letting out a choked gasp as his chains rattled.</p><p>"Stand down," said the injured one, a firm note in his voice. The leader, then? Interesting. He straightened, shoulders shaking, and looked into the demon's silver eyes. "What do you want?"</p><p>"Forthright, are we? Admirable." The demon clasped misty hands. "You four and I just so happen to have inverse needs. I require a new home, while you require an escape from your current one."</p><p>"You wanna...what, crash with us?" said the smallest one, in a voice of someone who knows exactly what you're getting at, but would like to hear you say it out loud just in case they're wrong.</p><p>The demon shook its head. "You have such <em>incredible </em>bodies. Beaten, broken, yet still full of strength and skill. I only require one for a vessel."</p><p>They all gaped at it, and the doctor-one let out a hysterical laugh. "Of course, <em>of course</em> it's us...." He shook his head slowly. "Tell me, why do you even need to ask? In most lore the demon can usually just tear their way in."</p><p>The demon shrugged. "I could do that, but it's quite a hassle, and then the vessel's left in a truly wretched state." They tensed at the words, drawing closer together. "I'm not the type to lock myself into fixer-uppers." It smiled. "I prefer making deals with the broken ones, the desperate ones, the ones who'll <em>choose </em>such a sacrifice."</p><p>It held out a hand, fingers quivering in anticipation of the punchline. "For you see, I only need <em>one</em> of you. And whoever takes me on will be allowed to break the others out."</p><p>"How do we know we can trust you?" the leader said.</p><p>"You don't. But there aren't many other options, are there?" The demon gestured expansively to the wretched cell.</p><p>It didn't actually intend to betray them. Things were always much more fun when people <em>chose </em>to dance to his tune, to follow all his rules to the letter.</p><p>"What will you do, exactly?" the doctor one asked.</p><p>"Kill people," the demon said with a shrug. "I'm not going to fuck them, if that's what you're worried about. Sex doesn't really interest me, and I tried all the styles and everything. And of course, I won't hurt anyone of <em>you, </em>specifically. Wouldn't want to be tied down."</p><p>This would normally be a dealbreaker. No one wants blood on their hands, whether out of morality or fear of the laws...unless they're at a truly desperate place. Unless they've lost all the people they do love, and have been stripped of sympathy for the ones that are left.</p><p>The turtles looked shocked and horrified at its words--but the demon could see the brokenness in their eyes, and the glint of steel. It suspected that they were exactly what it had been looking for.</p><p>"I'll leave you fine gentleman to discuss it in peace for...oh, about a day," the demon said. "I'd give you longer, but you might not be alive or nearly as appealing by the time I go back. If it's any consolation sacrificial lamb you offer up will only to deal with me for a decade, maybe two. That's when I'll probably get bored and head back to Hell sweet Hell, with compliments."</p><p>It bowed and melted back into the dark. It only stayed a minute longer, hidden, to hear them furiously discussing his offer. They all expressed their repulsion...but they're also fighting about who's going to play the role of vessel. </p><p>Only they're not trying to <em>dodge</em> the duty, each turtle was coming up with reasons why <em>he </em>should be the vessel. Why he should take the sacrifice for the others.</p><p><em>Very very very interesting</em>, the demon thought as it flew away. <em>I made a good choice.</em></p><p> </p><p>When it returned, the turtles were even more battered than they were when it left, if that was possible. But their strange, bright eyes were full of determination. "We made our choice," the leader declared.</p><p>"Which one?" said the demon, admiring their bodies with hunger. The <em>power</em> in each one, the pure <em>weight</em>...he couldn't wait to feel that in himself.</p><p>"All of us."</p><p>The demon blinked. "Pardon?"</p><p>"We'll all submit to you," said the doctor one, his voice shaking ever so slightly. "And you can move between us whenever you want. That way you'll never get bored."</p><p>"Twisting my offer like that..." said the demon. "....that's rather <em>insolent."</em> It ran a weightless finger down the smallest one's face, but he didn't flinch away.</p><p>"You struck us as someone who likes insolence," said the small one, staring into its eyes with a strength that the demon suspects is well hidden.</p><p>"So quit fucking around and do it already," barked the brawny one. "'Less you want to spread da rest of your time on Earth as a hologram."</p><p>The demon should have let them rot just for that...but the small one was right. "I <em>do </em>like insolence," it admitted. "We'll have plenty to bond over."</p><p>It studied the small one thoughtfully. "I'll start with you." The small one nodded and closed his eyes, making a visible effort to relax.</p><p>The leader stiffened. "Mikey..."</p><p>"It's okay, Leo," said the small one, pulling on a bright smile.</p><p>"Such beautiful names," the demon mused. It couldn't wait to get to know them all.</p><p>When it stepped through, there was a moment of instinctive resistance, and then he could feel the small one pulling his walls down. The demon shivered as it felt itself side into the warm embrace of a body for the first time, swaying with a blissful groan.</p><p>It opened its--his--eyes and saw the other turtles peering at him anxiously. He knew their names now, knew their strengths and struggles, knew the depths of their wild lovely, and suspected that they would become far more than vessels to him. They'd offered him a <em>new experience,</em> after all, and he could love them just for that.</p><p>"This is going to be <em>fun," </em>he said to his new family.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Encounter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Crossover between TMNT IDW and TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>April O'Neil sits in the dojo and closes her eyes, breathing deep of incense and memories. She <em>reaches, </em>farther than she ever has before, with fingers that are at once less substantial than mist and stronger than iron, fingers built to break barriers.</p><p>When she opens her eyes, she's standing in a garden.</p><p>It's a beautiful garden, full of flowers and trees and a babbling brook. She thinks the style is Japanese, although it's hard to tell because the place looks somewhat overgrown. Everything's bathed in soft golden light, although she can't find the source.</p><p>"Who are you?"</p><p>April spins at the challenge, one hand already on her Tessen, only to jerk to a stop because it's <em>Leo </em>standing there.</p><p>Except it's <em>not </em>Leo, not with a scar over his eye and none on his knee. Not with eyes and swords made of burning blue fire, a heatless inferno.</p><p><em>"April?" </em>he says, then shakes his head. "No, you're too young."</p><p>"Not <em>your </em>April," she says, carefully drawing closer. "I....I think I might have projected out of my own universe." She shuffles her feet. "I was looking for Master Splinter."</p><p>Other-Leo sighs, a look of dejection on his burning face as his swords flicker out of sight. "Me too," he admits.</p><p>April glances around, feeling awkward. "What is this place?"</p><p>"This is my mother's garden," Other-Leo explains. "Was, I think. I can't find her either."</p><p>She stares. "You have a <em>mother?"</em></p><p>Other-Leo blinks. "Your Leo doesn't?"</p><p>"Not that I've ever heard of." April draws closer to his side, and realizes that he's standing before a shining pool.</p><p>"Well, I don't have an April who can astral project, so...." His voice trails off as April looks into the pool.</p><p>Where her reflection should be, there's a girl with burning white eyes and a crystal-shaped scar over her heart. Her red hair flows into purple tendrils as it tumbles down her back.</p><p>Where Leo's reflection should be, there's a boy--a <em>human </em>boy--with dark eyes, traditional Japanese robes in brighter blue, and long black hair tied in a high ponytail. There's a thin red line across his neck.</p><p>"Who's that?" she asks, pointing to the boy.</p><p>"That's me." Other-Leo's shoulder's slump. "Or....it <em>used </em>to be me." April's eyes land on the red line, and a flicker of dread runs through her veins.</p><p>"What's that?" he asks, pointing to the scar.</p><p>April's hand flickers to her own neck, remembering the burning grasp of a necklace. "I ripped something out of myself," she explains. "I didn't have a choice, but...I don't think I've ever been the same since."</p><p>Leo cocks his head at her. "You're not as human as you look, are you?"</p><p>"No." April studies how the reflected boy cocks his head in the exact same way. "And apparently you're more human than you look." She snickers. "Ain't we a pair."</p><p>She glances across the garden, watching a swath of leaves tumble off a nearby tree. "What did you mean about not finding your mother?" she asks. "Is she...."</p><p>Other-Leo shrugs. "For a long time. It was...complicated. But she was around, as much as she could be."</p><p>"Same for my Master Splinter," April says, already suspecting where this is going. "And then he just..."</p><p>"<em>Left</em>," Leo finishes for her, his voice tinged with bitterness. "My father left and I guess she decided to just follow him."</p><p>The reeds at the edge of pool steam slightly, a bit of blue flame flickering in their depths. Other-Leo winces and snaps his fingers, winking the flame out of existence. "Sorry," he mutters. "Harder to control myself out here."</p><p>"It's fine," April reassures him. "Trust me, I'm the last person to judge anyone on losing self-control."</p><p>They both look into the water, studying each other's hidden selves. "What do we do now?" Leo asks finally, sounding very tired. "Now that they're gone?"</p><p>April shrugs. "I don't know, survive? Protect our loved ones?"</p><p>If Leo has any response, she doesn't get to hear it. There's a soft rumble and the water ripples, stirred by something fiercer than wind. When it stills, their reflections have changed.</p><p>Where Other-Leo's was is a turtle wearing a black mask like the one April's Leo wore when he joined Karai, along with red-and-black gear bearing the Foot insignia and a vicious metal claw on one hand. Where April's was, the scar has been filled in with glowing blue and her hair has risen up around her head, streaming the way it did when she was possessed.</p><p>"Something's wrong," she says, stating the obvious because someone has to.</p><p>"The garden's falling apart now that my mother's not here to sustain it," Leo explains, looking around anxiously.</p><p>"And then all sorts of <em>nasty </em>little things can come crawling out of the woodwork and go where they're not wanted," says a voice that's neither his nor hers. Leo curses, burning swords springing to life in his hands as a man walks towards them across the water. "Like vicious little boys and mad little girls."</p><p>He's tall and slender, with a long brown coat and lank hair streaming back his shoulders. His eyes are a dark hungry red and there's a rat on his right shoulder. April blinks. "Falco?"</p><p>"Hmm?" The man cocks his head, then breaks into a burst of laughter. "Oh, you must have me mistaken for my cretinous counterpart. I am the <em>Rat King</em>, nothing less. Unlike you two," he casts a significant look at their reflections, "I am exactly as I appear."</p><p>He comes to a halt and bends down slightly, pinning April with his gaze. "It's very nice to meet you, Miss O'Neil. I've heard such <em>fascinating </em>things about your exploits." The red eyes shift to Leo. "She murdered a version of your brother, you know. I mean, he got <em>better</em>, but..." He clucks his tongue. "Poor little Donatello, he always has a terrible time no matter the universe."</p><p>Leo growls, but it's April who takes a breath and yanks the Rat King's feet out from under him. He performs a flawless backflip and lands in a crouch, grinning up at her with too-sharp teeth. "It's a pity there's nothing like you in my world," he muses. "You would have made such a <em>fascinating </em>pawn."</p><p>"What are you doing here?" Leo demands. The water around the Rat King's feet starts to steam.</p><p>"Same thing you are," the Rat King says, rising to his feet. "Checking out the old dump, looking for people who've long since skipped the proverbial town." He waves a hand and a wave of grey spreads across the land, sending plants folding limply in on themselves as the songs of birds are abruptly cut off.</p><p>"Stop it," Leo hisses, a bit of panic in his eyes.</p><p>"Stop what? I'm just speeding up the inevitable." The water is boiling around the Rat King now, but he just waves a hand and a rock rises up from the depths, lifting him away from the heat.</p><p>April clenches her fist and white-hot cracks run through the rock, splintering it. "He told you to stop," she says, voice firm. She doesn't have to know much about the Rat King to recognize that he's just another bully, and she's <em>so </em>not in the mood to deal with his shit.</p><p>"Two against one. That's not very sportsmanlike, is it?" The Rat King casts a look across the garden and gives an exaggerated sigh. "And it was such a lovely place, you know, back when the owner gave a shit about it." The ground rumbles under their feet and Leo winces.</p><p>"I'm sorry," April murmurs. She can tell that this place is special to him, and April has lost enough special things to know how much it hurts.</p><p>"Everyone's sorry," says the Rat King, shaking his head in mock sorrow "Doesn't really change things, does it? That's why I'm <em>never </em>sorry. Waste of time and effort."</p><p>"Leave us alone," Leo hisses.</p><p>"Leave? Yes, I suppose we'll have to leave this charming little shithole sooner rather than later." Leo bristles at the insult, but the Rat King is already turning back to April. "He really did leave you, you know. Your Master Splinter. Just like <em>his </em>parents." He gestures to Leo. "They're all on the wheel of nirvana or the highway to heaven or the stairway to hell or the Death Star Trash compactor, I don't know. I don't really care about where mortals go when they leave."</p><p>He raises his hands and the ground ripples around them, thorns and trunks ripping out of the ground. Leo spits a curse and he and April immediately go back to back, as if they've done this dozens of times before. Which they have, she supposes, just not with each other.</p><p>"No one to protect you," the Rat King croons, stepping onto the shore. "No one to keep the little monsters safe." A tidal wave of black sprawls out from his feet, sending the grass rippling and crumpling. "No one to keep you out of a rat's trap."</p><p>"We don't need anyone to protect us," April points out, her Tessen and tanto flying into her hands. When she looks down, her weapons are sheathed in yellow-white fire.</p><p>The Rat King groans. "Spoilsports." Leo stamps his foot and the Rat King narrowly leaps aside as a spurt of blue flame jumps out of the ground.</p><p>The thorns draw near, growing back faster every time April or Leo try to slash them away. "On three?" Leo whispers, and April nods, because she has a pretty good idea what he's talking about. Leo is Leo, after all, no matter what universe he's from.</p><p>The Rat King doesn't seem to notice, or maybe he doesn't care. "World shapers, both of you," he muses.</p><p>"One," Leo breathes in her ear. Or maybe he's not saying it, maybe he's just thinking it. The distinction gets a little foggy in places like this.</p><p>"I'm not sure what you're becoming, and I'm almost <em>never </em>unsure. It's dreadfully exciting."</p><p>"Two." April whispers this, or maybe she thinks it. Leo's dark reflection flickers through her mind and she briefly wonders if he's killed people, too, or just thought about it. That he has thought about it, she has no doubt.</p><p>"Do you think you'll save your universes, or set them on fire? Personally, I'm hoping for the latter."</p><p>
  <em>"Three!"</em>
</p><p>They both spin and hit him with a full burst of power, sending the Rat King flying. <em>"Fuck!" </em>he squeaks, vanishing back into the water with a less-than-dramatic <em>plop</em> as the thorns crumble around them.</p><p>"Did we kill him?" April asks hopefully.</p><p>"I cut him in half once and he came back," says Leo, sounding a little sad. "I doubt that did the trick."</p><p>The ground rumbles, and cracks run through earth between their feet. A tree topples with a loud <em>crash.</em></p><p>"We have to leave," April says, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder.</p><p>He nods, straightening with a sigh before turning back to her. "Nice to meet you," he says, and they clasp hands.</p><p>April pulls him into a hug. "It's going to be okay," she whispers in his ear. "And if it's not, we'll make it okay." As the grey rushes toward them, hungry and unstoppable as a tidal wave, she hopes she's telling the truth.</p><p>"Good luck," is all he says before letting go.</p><p>April's eyes snap open and she's back in the dojo, still in lotus position. In the distance she can hear the turtles--<em>her</em> turtles--chatting and arguing as they make dinner. She wonders how they'll react to hearing about her latest bizarre experience.</p><p>She snaps her fingers as she stands up, and the candles are all snuffed out. <em>World shaper, </em>she thinks, and shakes her head with a scoff. Even though she supposes it's partly true.</p><p>April puts the candles and other things away, imagining a blue-banded turtle doing the same on the other side of an impossible divide. Then she pushes open the shoji screens and steps back into her universe.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Falling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hamato Yoshi wakes up outside the ruins of his home with ashes in his hair and smoke in his lungs. He lies in the hospital bed, a tube down his throat, scribbling answers for the police as they ask him questions about his dead father and dead wife and dead daughter and missing brother.</p><p>They promise to bring Oroku Saki to justice, and Yoshi doesn't bother telling them it's hopeless. His brother (after everything, he still sees Saki as his brother) can't be found if he doesn't want to be. As a child, he could hide for hours in the nooks and crannies of their house. As a teenager, he mastered vanishing into the shadows long before Yoshi did. As an adult, he'd walk at Yoshi's side and Yoshi still ran the risk of losing track of him if they weren't careful.</p><p>His father was the only one who ever stood a chance of finding Saki, and his father is dead. Everyone is dead.</p><p>So Yoshi, after he's released from the hospital, decides to be dead too.</p><p>He doesn't bother writing a suicide note. Who would read it? Instead, he just puts a chair in the center of the living room of his father's house, the only place he has left to go. He imagines ghosts watching him from the corner as he strings a noose around a chandelier, tying a perfect knot. He wonders if they're applauding.</p><p>His father would be furious at him for this, he suspects. But his father is dead and besides, Yoshi isn't too keen on his opinion right now. A part of him will always hate his father for bringing Oroku Saki into their lives, for concealing the truth of his origins so sloppily, for not being there to save him from the monster the way he always was before.</p><p>As for the rest of his family...he imagines Miwa misses her daddy. Tang Shen will disappointed, perhaps, but he suspects she will eventually understand.</p><p>Saki, he knows, will read about the suicide and snicker in triumph. Yoshi really doesn't care anymore.</p><p>He tightens the noose around his throat and closes his eyes. "Fuck you, world," he mutters, and steps off the chair. He's falling, falling...</p><p>And then he's still falling when a panicked cry from across through the dim room, followed by the unmistakable <em>whoosh</em> of a kursarigama. The rope breaks with a <em>snap </em>and Hamato Yoshi falls, his neck burned, gasping for air. He hits the ground hard, pain shooting through his knees.</p><p>"Shit shit shit!" He can hear the panicked voice of a young man, an American judging by his accent. "What do we do?"</p><p>"I'm a Time Master, not a doctor!" This comes from a young woman, with an accent Yoshi can't place. "I have no fucking idea!" Yoshi squints in the direction of her voice, vaguely making out...boots? A <em>helmet?</em></p><p>Then there are oddly stubby fingers yanking at his noose, tearing it off his neck. Yoshi tries to sit up, confused and not a little pissed off, but a hand grabs the back of his head and gently forces it back down.</p><p>"Look, I know this is really confusing, but could you please not look at me Ma--Mr. Hamato?" This from the young man, who now seems to be kneeling in front of him. Yoshi reaches out blindly, and feels the unmistakable curve of nunchucks beneath his fingers, along with...some kind of breastplate?</p><p>"Who...?" The word is a painful rasp from a still-smoky, freshly bruised throat. All he can make out of his attacker/rescuer is a pair of kneeling legs, clad in some kind of green material.</p><p>"My name's, uh...David," says the young man. Yoshi hears the distinct <em>smack </em>of a hand on someone's forehead, coming from the direction of the young woman--the <em>Time Master?</em></p><p>"Are you okay?" David asks, running a light finger across Yoshi's neck. "Can you breathe okay?"</p><p>"I..." Yoshi lets out a soft gasp. He can breathe, yes, but his neck hurts and his family's still dead and... "I don't <em>understand,"</em> he forces out. "What's happening?"</p><p>"Um..." David wiggles a little, sounding very anxious. "Well, long story short Mas--Mr. Hamato, is that you were going to hurt yourself, and that's not a good idea. 'Cause, you know, hurting yourself is just a really bad thing, but also because there are some people who're going to need you. Need <em>you</em>, specifically, really badly."</p><p>Yoshi barks a laugh, not caring how much it hurts. "Everyone's <em>dead."</em></p><p>"Well, actually--"</p><p>"No!"</p><p>"Seriously, Renet?"</p><p>"We're messing with the timeline enough as it is, okay? Just...trust me on this, please?"</p><p>"Fine," David lets out a sigh. "<em>Anyway, </em>you're going to meet some <em>new </em>people, some really nice and awesome and cool and cute people--" Renet groans, "--Right, okay, the point is that these new people, they're going to need you to help them. And you'll, like, have a chance to sort of maybe balance out what happened to your family? Not that what happened to them was your fault."</p><p>Yoshi stares at the ground, wondering if he actually died and this is just a bizarre Hell. "Why..." he asks, and coughs, "Why would I want to let anyone into my heart ever again?"</p><p>"Because they'll <em>need</em> you," David says, his voice shaking slightly. "And you'll need them...need <em>us."</em></p><p>Yoshi stiffens. <em>Us. </em>He wants to raise his head, but at the same time he's terrified of what he'll see.</p><p>"Who are you?" he asks quietly.</p><p>"Someone you love," says David. "And someone you're proud of--I hope." He plants a soft kiss on Yoshi's forehead. "We're waiting for you in New York City," he whispers in Yoshi's ear. He smells of sugar and American food.</p><p>"I have to spray him now," Renet says. Yoshi knows he should probably panic at the words, but his mind is whirling with everything that's just happened, everything he's just heard.</p><p>"I know," David says softly, and something cool cover Yoshi's back. Then he's falling again, into the dark, as someone gently lowers his body to the ground. "It's going to be okay...." David murmurs.</p><p>Then, so small and distant Yoshi might be imagining it, "...<em>Dad."</em></p><p>He wakes up on his floor surrounded by the remains of the noose and chair, a rope burn around his neck. Strange flashes of a dream that makes no sense flicker through his mind.</p><p>His soul still feels broken, but...somehow, he doesn't want to die anymore. <em>Need you, </em>a voice whispers in his head, soft and insistent.</p><p>And softer, but even more persistent, <em>New York City.</em></p><p> </p><p>Later, Yoshi will find his new people, in the form of four squally green turtles that he will raise to the best of his ability. The smallest one will have skin in a shade of green that he vaguely recognizes from a distant, near-forgotten dream. The name <em>David </em>drifts into his head, but it's <em>Michelangelo </em>that clicks.</p><p>When he sees the boy hovering near nunchaku and kusarigama, that will click, too. He will offer those weapons to him, even though Yoshi knows how difficult they are to master.</p><p>And the first time he sees his son weave his chains around a ceiling beam and go flying through the air in a perfect arc, Yoshi will know to hold him close and say "I am proud," in a voice that brooks no misunderstanding. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Green</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Green has always been a special color for them. For the obvious reasons, of course--the bright color of mutagen, the uniquely beautiful and uniquely damning color of the skin.</p><p>But there are other reasons, too. Green is the color of their father's cane, a strong and steady presence in their lives. Green is color of leaves that fall through sewer grates, the algae that has kept them alive for so long, the whisper of a stoplight saying <em>go go go. </em>Green is the color of Raph's eyes, so ugly in anger and so exquisitely lovely in peace.</p><p>(And green is the color of Karai's eyes, following her transformation into her mutant self. They won't admit it to each other, but thinking of her inhuman eyes makes them so relieved. Karai was their true sister now, a mutant just like them. They never had to be worry about being replaced by Miwa again).</p><p>Green is also the color of their farmhouse sanctuary, of the grass and the garden and the wild endless forest. When they first see it they're all <em>flabbergasted</em> by the endless waves of green, as if they're on a boat in the middle of a peaceful ocean. Leo almost falls over when he wakes up from his coma and looks outside for the first time.</p><p>Casey and April don't understand, of course. How could they? They don't know what it's like to be raised underground, in a hole where almost <em>everything </em>was black and brown and grey. Green is a precious color to them precisely because there was so, relatively, little of it.</p><p>Being surrounded by green means that they can run for as long and far as they want, letting the sun shine on their shoulders without fear of being seen. They melt naturally into the forest, instead of having to work at it the way they do in the city. There are no cameras in the forest, no Kraang, no ninja, and best of all, no normal innocent passerby who would have the turtles hauled away to be experimented on more often than not.</p><p>Sure, sometimes monsters enter their green paradise, but <em>they </em>are the interlopers here, the strangers. Back in the city it's the turtles who are out of place, the ones who wreak havoc and tip things out of balance. Here, it's different.</p><p>They are safer in this soft green corner of the world than they ever were back home, and deep down they all know it.</p><p>It's Mikey who first confronts the issue, as is his way. They're sitting on the porch, the four of them, out of earshot of the humans, sipping their drinks. Leo has tea, Mikey has cocoa, Donnie has coffee (which he's not supposed to be drinking at this point in the evening) and Raph has booze (which he's not supposed to drink, ever).</p><p>Mikey looks out at the green and says, "What if we never went back?"</p><p>There's an awkward silence that's punctuated by Raph, as is <em>his</em> way. "The fuck are ya talking about, dumbass?" he asks.</p><p>"Language," Leo says automatically.</p><p>"Screw you, Steve Rogers." Raph rounds back on Mikey. "You think we should just leave Master Splinter and Karai in the lurch?"</p><p>"No, just..." Mikey squirms. "We could bring them out <em>here</em>, and Slash and Leatherhead and everybody, 'stead of staying in the city. I mean..." He gestures out at the woods. "I love New York and all, but there's so much <em>space</em> out here. And it's dangerous, but no one's ever really <em>afraid </em>of us. We don't have to hide."</p><p>Donnie sighs, looking sad, and shakes his head. "It wouldn't be tenable, Mikey. We're stretching April's resources enough as it is."</p><p>"Yeah, but we could learn to, I don't know, live off the land? I bet Donnie could find all the good plants to eat and we could hunt with our bows, or we could just do that skimming-off-bank-accounts thing Donnie's been working on."</p><p>"Oh, really?" Leo raises an eye ridge and Donnie takes a determined sip of coffee.</p><p>"I mean, we <em>could </em>make it work," Mikey admits, looking down at his feet. "We've made a lot of stuff work. We could do this, too. And we could visit New York whenever we missed it."</p><p>"What about protecting New York?" Leo points out. "Who's going to keep away the Kraang if we're not there?"</p><p>"Couldn't the government do that?" Mikey asks. "I mean, they've got to know about the Kraang by now."</p><p>"And they haven't done jack shit about it since," Raph points out. "Face it, Mikey, the government got no clue how to handle the Kraang."</p><p>"Much as I hate to admit it, Raph has a point," Leo says. Mikey's face falls and Leo leans over to take his hand. "But I get it, you know? This place..." he waves at the green. "It's special. And we'll be able to visit whenever we want."</p><p>Mikey blinks. "Really?"</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>"Did ya think April only gave us a one-time offer, numbnuts?" Leo gives Raph a look and he lets out an exaggerated groan.</p><p>They stay up late that night, talking and laughing and sipping their drinks. The forest stretches out around them, a jade wall to keep them safe as often and as long as they need.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Hunger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Casey's sitting in the pit fighting with Raph about who has the superior tits, Jennifer Lawrence or Jennifer Lopez, when Leo walks in with a dog. Not on a leash or in his arms, no, this dog is sticking out of a giant sack slung over his shoulder. It looks skinny and filthy and very, very dead.</p><p>As for Leo, he's wearing some grey hoodie-thing that Casey will later learn is called a cloak, with blood staining the hem. More blood adorns the arrows in his quiver, and he's got a bow in his hand. He looks a lot like the lovechild of Shrek and the guy from Assassin's Creed.</p><p>"Casey!" Leo yelps, jerking to a halt as he enters the room. "I, uh....I didn't know you would be here." Raph stops talking and goes extremely still, pointedly refusing to turn around.</p><p>"That's a dog," Casey says, pointing to the dog.</p><p>"Is it?" Leo shifts a little as if he can somehow hide the dog behind his shell.</p><p>"Whatcha doing with it?" Casey blinks a few times, trying to decide if he's hallucinating or asleep.</p><p>"It's a stray," Leo says, making what Casey thinks his English teacher would call a non sequitur. He squints at the dog from where it pokes up behind Leo's back and sees that, yes, there's no collar. Also, it has a hole in its head.</p><p>The sight makes him a little nauseous, but he doesn't feel anything else to suggest that this isn't happening. Okay.</p><p>"Whatcha doing with it?" Casey repeats, hoping against hope that this is just some weird science experiment of Donnie's to see if he can bring dogs back from the dead.</p><p>Leo looks up, looks down, looks left, looks right, looks out, and finally decides to bite the bullet. "Taking it to the kitchen," he says resignedly, and heads out of the room. Raph drops his face in his palms and mutters something that sounds like, "Fucking coward."</p><p>Then there's a bit of a silence as Raph and Casey both regard the blank TV. "So," Casey says eventually.</p><p>"So," Raph replies.</p><p>"Dogs."</p><p>"Yes, dogs."</p><p>There's a muffled sound of music echoing from the kitchen, combined with a bunch of faint grinding and ripping noises Casey doesn't feel like thinking too hard about.</p><p>"Is he...playing New Age?"</p><p>"Says it puts him in the proper atmosphere to pray for the dog's spirits," Raph says, wearing the blank expression of a condemned man. "Don't ask me why, or why he has to dress up like motherfucking Link before he goes out. Leo's a fucking freak."</p><p>Casey cocks his head. "So, he prays for the dogs while he...."</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>There's some more silence, punctuated by New Age and a series of <em>thumps </em>from the kitchen.</p><p>"It's not like we <em>want </em>to do it!" Raph bursts out. "It's just--look, we live in the fucking sewers, okay? There ain't a KFC down here or anything. And it's gotten better since we met you and April, but it's not like we can just treat you guys like piggy banks. It's..." He scrubs his eyes. "Leo and Splinter, they're really good shots. They know how to do it quick."</p><p>"I thought you guys lived off algae," Casey says, feeling more confused than anything.</p><p>Raph scoffs. "We're <em>ninja</em>, not fucking monks. We need protein."</p><p>Casey nods slowly. "Does April know?"</p><p>"I don't <em>think </em>so?" Raph shrugs. "You know what she's like, all that psychic shit. We put a really big effort into making sure she never figured it out while she was with us, told her that we'd swiped the meat from a butcher's or something. Donnie was terrified that she'd bolt if she found out."</p><p>"So she ate..."</p><p>"Which is precisely why we didn't want to tell her." Raph sighs. "Look, we know how to make it safe, how to not waste the meat. If there was a real chance of her gettin' sick we never woulda given it to her."</p><p>Casey studies Raph, notching how tense he is, how he looks almost <em>frightened</em>, ridiculous as that seems. "Are you...are you scared of me boltin'?" he asks carefully.</p><p>Raph looks right at him for the first time since Leo brought the dog in. "I don't know, man. <em>Are </em>you gonna bolt?"</p><p>Before Casey can answer a string of <em>cracks </em>echo out of the kitchen, making him jump. Raph mutter something that sounds like <em>"You gotta be shitting me"</em> and storms out of the room.</p><p>The walls of the Hamato household are rather thin in places, so thin Casey starts to suspect that April already knows all about the Having Lassie For Dinner routine. So thin, in fact, that he can hear the ensuring scream fest very clearly from where he sits on the couch, thinking.</p><p><em>"What the </em>fuck<em>, Leo?! I'm trying to talk to him and you're in here breakin' its bones like a fucking serial killer?"</em></p><p>
  <em>"I'm not going to let the marrow spoil, Raph--</em>
</p><p><em>"Fuck the marrow and fuck you too. What were you thinkin', coming in here like that? Do you </em>want <em>him to know that we're psycho dog-eaters?!"</em></p><p><em>"Well, if </em>someone<em> had decided to call me and let me know this was an issue, I might have been more discreet!"</em></p><p>
  <em>"Like you woulda brought your fuckin' phone. And that's how a friendship works, numbnuts, we don't needta set up goddamn spreadsheets before we meet up!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I--look, Raph, calm down, he walks around in facepaint and you beat the crap out of each other the night you met, he's not going to leave over this!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You don't know that! We look like a buncha crazy underground hillbillies, he must think--"</em>
</p><p>"Uh, guys?"</p><p>They both spin to look at him. Leo's standing next to a table Casey refuses to look at; he's traded the cloak for a blood-spattered I WOK THEREFORE I YAM apron that Casey's seen Master Splinter wear (oh my <em>god </em>no wonder the thing's always so washed out). Raph is red-faced and blinking frantically; Casey has enough big-sibling skills to recognize approaching tears when he sees them.</p><p>He shuffles his feet. "Can I, um, stay for dinner?"</p><p>Their jaws fall open in perfect synchronicity, which is impressive.</p><p>"You want to stay," Leo says slowly.</p><p>"Yeah. I mean, it's not like you guys are cooking people, right?"</p><p>"No," Raph says, shaking his head as the tension seems to physically drain out of his body. "No people."</p><p>"Cool. So, can I stay?"</p><p>"Yeah," Raph tells him, heading back to his side. "Of <em>course</em> you can stay, dumbass."</p><p>They settle back in the living room as the sound of New Age and marrow being extracted starts up again.</p><p>"You're--you're okay with this?" Raph asks, still seeming a little shocked. His big green eyes are filled with wonder and relief.</p><p>"Hey, people eat weird shit all the time," Casey points out. "I went to a camp once where they fed us crickets. Pretty tasty, too." He sprawls back on the couch, and Raph does too. "So, what's the biggest thing you guys ever bagged?"</p><p>"German Shepard, when we were ten. Mikey wanted to take pictures--Sensei said no, but we took 'em anyway. Fucker was <em>huge</em>, we thought he was part wolf. I can show you the snaps if ya want..."</p><p>"That'd be <em>sick."</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That "crickets at camp" thing happened to my sister once. She didn't mind at all, but my mom was a little pissed that she wasn't asked to give her permission for someone to give my sister bugs.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Instinct</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT IDW.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes Sally Pride will have dreams of her old life, the one before Null Industries came for her. She remembers the blur of grass beneath her feet, the barks and roars of her old pride, the endless stretch of sunlight on her back.</p><p>It's not just dreams, though. There's are times when she's awake and the urge to <em>hunt</em> sings through her veins, calling her to sprint down the street with her claws unsheathed and teeth bared. Her instincts show her how to be a predator, to bring down her enemies in a spray of blood and bone.</p><p>And she.</p><p>Hates.</p><p>It.</p><p>Sally doesn't <em>want</em> to chase anyone, not when she has a perfectly good car to drive instead. She doesn't want to kill anyone, even though she enjoys smacking a dickhead in the face as much as the next girl. And she <em>never</em> wants to use her claws; she files them down regularly, and her teeth, too.</p><p>She doesn't try to weaponize her lion side, the way Mondo and Ray do their animal skills. Instead, she hones the driving skills she got from Null, spends long hours reading driving guides and mechanical manuals, breaks her nails and gets her fur sticky in the garage. She doesn't want to be the lioness of the group, she wants to be the <em>driver.</em></p><p>In a sick way, she's grateful that Null Industries never tried to exploit her brutal side like they did with Ray. Instead, she was sent off into the simulators, given a few tempting glimpses of wild roads that she only learned later were pale reflections of the real thing.</p><p>"We know that they can kill," Null had said, staring down at Sally like she wasn't awake, couldn't hear her. "I want to know what else they can do." <em>Yeah, well, fuck you too, Mom.</em></p><p>(That psychotic cunt had created her, created her and Ray both, and if doing that for Mondo had made Hob his father then by all rights Null is their mother. Sally has sort of learned to live with this, even though Ray hasn't)</p><p>When Sally first met Slash, she was terrified. She thought he was someone who let his instincts control him all the time, who had become precisely what they were trying to turn Ray into despite being free for so long.</p><p>It was only later that she met the <em>real</em> Slash, the conscientious, intelligent young man who had <em>chosen </em>to let his wild side run free in order to save them, and chosen to bring them back under control afterwards. That was when Sally realized Slash was one of the bravest people she'd ever met, an impression that remains after <strike>she sent him to his death</strike> his sacrifice.</p><p>So, killer instincts. Sometimes irritating, sometimes terrifying....but not nearly as terrifying as the urge to <em>submit.</em></p><p>She'll feel it sometimes, while arguing with Ray or Hob. The urge to bow, verbally or physically, to a strong, assertive male. It doesn't matter if she <em>knows </em>they're wrong; the feeling will haunt her anyways. The fact that she knows that they're not purposely trying to affect her brain, might even be horrified to know she was struggling with this, somehow makes it worse.</p><p>Lindsey is the only one who knows. They're not lovers, exactly--Lindsey isn't ready for that after the disasters of her past relationships, and Sally will never be able to completely erase Lindsey's lab-coat origins from her mind. But they're good friends, and Sally's glad to have <em>someone </em>who can teach her the ways of lesbian sex.</p><p>"Can you fix it?" Sally asks her one night, as they lie curled up in bed together. "Like you fixed Slash?"</p><p>"That was about amplifying Slash's potential, not suppressing some aspect of him," Lindsey explains, running her fingers through Sally's fur. "Besides, you are managing to control these feelings, aren't you?"</p><p>"Control them?" Sally barks out a harsh laugh. "I wanted to rip out Pete's throat this morning. He didn't even <em>do </em>anything and I wanted to <em>eat</em> him. I could see the <em>blood</em> in my head."</p><p>"But you didn't," Lindsey points out. "You've been keeping yourself under control for <em>years</em>, Sally. I'm not sure there's anything I could do for you that you could do better for yourself. If I introduced chemicals into the mix I might just throw everything out of whack."</p><p>"Am I suppressing it, though?" Sally asks the ceiling. "I don't know...sometimes, all the shit Hob's pulled, I wonder if I'm only sticking around because of some goddamn loyalty-to-the-pride code. I mean, I don't know how <em>this </em>works."</p><p>"You don't," Lindsey agrees. "Which means there aren't any rules you have to play by." She gently turns Sally's cheek so that their eyes lock. "And if I know anything about you, Sally Pride, you don't let <em>anyone</em> make you do anything you don't want to." Their lips meet, and Sally silently hopes she's right.</p><p>Sally Pride. That was the name given to her by Null's technicians; maybe it even ended up on some of her files. Sally understand the joke, of course: Sally Ride and a lion's pride. But that's not why she kept the name.</p><p>To her, the name represents pride in herself as a <em>woman</em>, not just a mutant, who can drive anything. A woman who's capable of doing the right thing while also being loyal to her friends. A woman who will not let some as small and outdated as animal instinct turn her into a mindless killer.</p><p>And of course, it stands for the kind of pride celebrated in the parade that Mikey drags her and some other Mutanimals to. He drapes a pansexual flag over himself and an asexual flag over Seymour, cutting out eye and mouth holes for them both so they look like a pair of colorful ghosts. Mondo holds Seymour's hand while sporting a purple-black-grey hoodie with a Guy Fawkes mask. Lindsey is the only one who doesn't need a disguise and is allowed to get away with a rainbow dress.</p><p>As for Sally, she stands on a street covered in <em>people,</em> real people, with rainbow decals adorning her jacket and a Hello Kitty mask that Mondo gave her as a supposed joke, feeling more at home than she ever would if she was returned the land where she was born. It suddenly becomes very clear to her who she is, and how hard she will fight to keep it.</p><p>So she fights, even as her life starts changing more than she ever thought possible. Then Hob's suddenly leading a very different group of Mutanimals, and Sally's human side is horrified at what he's done while her instincts are telling her to obey her pride leader, her alpha leader.</p><p>And for the first time, her human side can't really come up with a good alternative for not following her instincts. Lindsey and Seymour and Mondo and Mikey are all gone, her beautiful mask was lost at one point or another, and there are no pride parades in Mutant Town.</p><p>For months, her mind wages war with itself, making excuses for Hob's behavior and tearing them down at blinding speed. Until she's standing on another street, with snow in her hair and a pack of frightened children at her heels, every particle of her soul screaming <em>this is going too far</em>.</p><p>So she says <em>fuck </em><em>you </em>to her animal instincts, to the huntress that says children should grow up brutal and the lioness that insists she should obey her male. She punches Hob in the face, breaking the ties between them, and her ties with Man Ray, the closest thing she'll ever have with a father.</p><p>She walks away, ignoring the voices in her head that beg her to apologize, claim she won't survive on her own, because Sally Pride is <em>more</em> than her wild impulses, damn it, and besides, she already has a new family.</p><p>Her old instincts will never leave her, not completely. But Sally doesn't have to listen to them ever again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>When I first encountered Sally Pride in the IDW comics, there was a brief period when I legitimately thought that her last name referred to gay pride.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Jester</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Raph's going to That Place again. Mikey can see it in the way he moves, the way he stomps around, the way his words come short and tense.</p><p>Leo and Donnie never see it when Raph's in That Place. Mikey doesn't blame them; they've got enough on their plates being the Leader and the Genius. They don't have the time to analyze someone's every movement and facial expression, and they can't do it as quickly and easily as Mikey can. Besides, more often than not they're busy trying to stay out of That Place themselves.</p><p>Mikey doesn't know if April and Casey can pick on Raph being in That Place. April's psychic, sure, but to her Raph probably feels angry <em>all </em>the time. She doesn't know that they are different levels of angry in their family, and that sometimes those levels can lead to That Place.</p><p>When you're in That Place, you're mad at Shredder for killing Splinter and you're mad at Splinter for dying. You're mad at your subconscious for peppering you with bad dreams and painful feelings. You're mad at the Kraang for being the Kraang, and the Triceratons for literally destroying your world. You're mad at your brothers for being your brothers, for all the times they've ever been needlessly reckless or stupid or just plain cruel.</p><p>And of course, you're mad at yourself for feeling all these things, for all the times you've ever fucked up or said something you shouldn't have. It just boils and boils in you until you just have to do <em>something</em>, and often that something is bad.</p><p>When Leo goes to That Place, he usually disappears into the training room for hours upon hours, ignoring Mikey's calls for dinner. He'll train until his muscles are shaking and his skin is bloody and bruised, and then he'll train some more.</p><p>Sometimes, if he screws up, he'll give himself a nerve pinch or burn himself with a candle.</p><p>Donnie is kind of the same, although instead of training he'll work in the lab. He'll work for for too long and hard, his movements growing sloppier and angrier with every mishap. He's burnt himself, cut himself, made himself sick brewing chemicals.</p><p>Sometimes, if he screws up, he'll hit himself in the head and insult himself in a bunch of different languages.</p><p>Mikey tried to talk to them about this, but they never listen. Why should he? He's the baby brother, after all, the one who can't possibly know them better than they know themselves. So he has to use other, more creative, techniques for shaking them out of That Place.</p><p>With Leo, it's usually enough to break or lose something, screw something up, (occasionally give himself a booboo, although that's rarely necessary) and then call him in for help. Leo will grumble and lecture, but he'll help, and by the time he's solved Mikey's problem he'll usually be out of That Place, at least for a while.</p><p>With Donnie, Mikey just has to screw around in his lab a little more than usual, be a little more annoying. Donnie will wear himself out yelling and fixing whatever Mikey messed up, until he's safely out That Place.</p><p>(Sometimes it backfires, like the time Donnie briefly lost his intelligence. Mikey will never completely forgive himself for that, and he's not sure if Donnie has completely forgiven him).</p><p>Raph is the hardest, because he's in That Place so often and he'll express it in so many different ways. Mikey has to keep a constant eye on him, to the point that he can sometimes stop Raph before he even begins to do something stupid.</p><p>When Raph's in That Place, he might leave his hands bloody and half-broken from punching walls, then lose his shit when someone tries to lecture him. He might break half the stuff in his room, go steal new stuff, and then break that stuff. He might get in long, exhausting fights with Leo, where they both say terrible things. If April and Casey are around he might hit on April and pick fights with Casey, or hit on Casey and pick fights with April.</p><p>Worst of all are the times where he disappears for hours or days, only to wander back in badly bruised and half-starved. Mikey is terrified there'll be a day when his brother just doesn't come back.</p><p>(Mikey has overheard Donnie and Leo discussing Raph, saying things like <em>mood swings </em>and <em>bipolar </em>and <em>even if we had medication, what about the side effects? </em>One or both of them will usually go to That Place afterwards.</p><p>Raph caught them talking about him, once, and there was a huge screaming fight. Mikey knew not to come out of his room for two days).</p><p>So now, Raph's knee-deep in That Place, sitting on the couch and staring at the TV like he might break it. Mikey knows that if he breaks the TV, he and Leo will fight, and they might not even think to clean up the broken glass before they're rolling around on the floor.</p><p>"Heeeeey, Raphie," he says, pitching his voice in that way he knows his brothers hate. "Play Go Fish with me?"</p><p>"Fuck off, Mikey," Raph grumbles. "And don't call me Raphie."</p><p>"Sure thing, Raphie," Mikey replies. A fist soars at his head and Mikey sees it coming, dodging out of the way. "Miss me, miss me," he croons. "Now you gotta kiss me....<em>Raphie.</em>"</p><p>It never fails. Raph lets out a growl and lunges toward him. Mikey darts away with a squeal, letting Raph chase him all around the Lair.</p><p>Mikey's fast, faster than anyone in his family. Over the years he's learned how to stay just out of Raph's reach, letting him wear himself without getting discouraged and finding something else to hit. He tosses insults over his shoulder, both to keep Raph angry and to check on his emotional state.</p><p>When he decides that Raph's worn himself out enough, Mikey lets himself be cornered. "Whoa, there, tiger," he says, raising his hands, "I'm sure we can settle this like civilized--"</p><p>Raph hits him one, two, three, four times. Mikey lets himself roll with the punches, careful not to let Raph hurt himself.</p><p>When Raph's done he staggers away, blinking like he's coming out of a trance, the way he always looks. "I...." He glances down at the blood on his fist, "...Sorry," he mutters.</p><p>"It's good, dude," Mikey says, smiling, because it is. His face may hurt like hell, but one glance at Raph's body language tells Mikey that he's safely out of That Place.</p><p>He's not angry that he has to do this for Raph so many times. It's not his brother's fault that he's sick, the same way it isn't Leo's fault that he's damaged or Donnie's fault that he's obsessive.</p><p>Raph turns and heads back to the Pit, while Mikey goes to the fridge. "Hey, Kitty," he says. "Wanna help me with something?" He lets out a blissful sigh as he pulls his best friend out of the fridge and rubs her over his face. "Thanks, bud," he says, pushing the fridge door closed with his shoulder.</p><p>He'll only have a little while before he has to trade her in for a conventional icepack, but Ice Cream Kitty always does this the best. She knows how to push her whole body against Mikey's face, holding on tight like the world's friendliest xenomorph, as if she understands how much he needs her right now.</p><p><em>Four punches</em>, Mikey thinks. Wow. Raph usually hits him only once or twice. He must have been about to do something really bad, maybe even worse than breaking the TV. Maybe he was going to throw it into the dojo or Donnie's lab, or even slam it into his own head.</p><p>But luckily they'll never have to know, because Mikey was able to take care of him. That's what he does; takes care of his brothers when they can't take of themselves, the way they take care of him.</p><p>He carries Ice Cream Kitty back to the pit, and they watch <em>Lucy The Werewolf Hunter </em>with Raph in companionable silence.</p><p> </p><p>(Mikey rarely goes to That Place, and he always recognizes the symptoms in himself. He'll go back to his room and pull out a heap of stuffed animals from under his bed, animals that have been collected or stolen just for that purpose.</p><p>He'll yank and cut and rip at the animals, hit them over and over. He'll whisper all the things to them that he can't say to anyone else: angry things, hateful things, strange and vicious things. Things that would break their world apart if Mikey said them out loud.</p><p>When he's done, he carefully collects the stuffing and sews each animal back together, the way he taught himself to do on Youtube. Sometimes he pricks himself accidentally-on-purpose, but the animals are left looking almost good as new.</p><p>That's what he does, after all: Leo leads, Raph fights, Donnie creates, and Mikey fixes.</p><p>He's good at it, and most days he wouldn't take any other role in the world).</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Kindling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A different ending to the Foot Splinter storyline. Sort of a backstory for IDW 2020's Leo.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Their father never trades his humble robe for armor, or grows to love power more than life itself. From the day he takes the throne to the end, he refuses to be called by any name other than Splinter or Yoshi.</p><p>He becomes the Shredder anyway.</p><p>Once, Splinter hoped to rule the Foot Clan with more mercy than Shredder had. But then Slash was kidnapped, proving that no mutants are safe. His sons rebelled against him, waging war with their own father and endangering themselves unnecessarily in the matter of the Triceratons. Raphael was imprisoned and tortured, leaving him scarred in every way imaginable.</p><p>Then Splinter starts worrying a little less about peace, and a little more about protecting his family by any means necessary.</p><p>It starts with such small things, really. A blown up building that may not have been completely clear of civilians, a warehouse slaughter where a few prostitutes are caught in the crossfire. Things that Jennika doesn't want to happen, but Splinter's new Foot Elite are increasingly more brutal, more desperate to impress their master. And he does not punish them for overstepping as often as he used to.</p><p>His sons hear rumors of what is happening, but try to ignore them. After all, Splinter may have lost his way, but he is still their <em>father, </em>still their Sensei who loves soap operas and taught them all how to cook. They convince each other that the stories are blown out of proportion.</p><p>And then there are the children. Always, it comes down to the children.</p><p>Splinter doesn't think there's anything wrong with weaponizing children for the Foot Clan. They need soldiers, after all, and the children owe the clan for providing food and shelter.</p><p>(He tried to train the last set of his children in his care to simply defend themselves, and it ended with a heap of corpses in a blood-splattered field)</p><p>By the time Mikey stands up to him, Splinter has gotten far too used to people obeying his orders without question. The sight of his son rebelling triggers all the old rage, everything that he buried for years before unleashing to fight Saki, and never quite chaining back up again.</p><p>He hits Mikey. But in this universe, he does not stop. Not until his son's face is a mess of blood and bruises, until his nunchucks are broken on the ground, until Leo rushes in screaming <em>please stop, please, you can have the children, just please stop hurting him.</em></p><p>Then Splinter stops. He cries, he apologizes, he is genuinely sorry....but he does not let the children go. He watches his sons carry Michelangelo away, seeing something dull and damaged in his son's eyes, and he is so guilty.</p><p>But when he guides the children back to the Foot Clan, he is already making plans about how to start indoctrinating them in the morning, about instructing them in the use of edged weapons.</p><p>He hires an expensive, very discreet doctor to care for Michelangelo, as an apology. The doctor arrives at the lair and is unceremoniously kicked out.</p><p>"He already has a doctor," Donnie snarls, bodily shoving the man out the door. "If Father wants to say sorry, he can come down and say it himself."</p><p>When the boys hear new rumors about the Foot Clan slaughtering its enemies, about innocents caught in the crossfire, they are no longer as hasty to dismiss them.</p><p> </p><p>They decide that Splinter is under foreign influence. Leo meditates for two days straight, refusing food or water, and Donnie is considering breaking down the door to his room when his brother emerges and tells them where to find Kitsune.</p><p>She's dead when they get there. Blood splatters the walls, the kind of blood that can only come from a beheading. A small corpse lies curled up on the floor, burned and broken beyond repair.</p><p>"How....?" Donnie claps a hand to his mouth. "She was an <em>immortal."</em></p><p>Leo takes a breath. "The Rat King...he said that he made a deal with Splinter. Splinter wanted to get rid of an enemy, get revenge for what she'd done to Alopex and me. The Rat King wanted to get rid of a sister, keep her from bringing the Dragon back." He shakes his head. "I didn't believe him."</p><p>"What was the deal?" Mikey asks.</p><p>His brother doesn't answer.</p><p>"Leo, what was the deal?" This comes from Raph, pinning him with a glare.</p><p>"The children," Leo says. "The children we took from him for a sword that could kill an immortal, a sword that only a mortal could wield."</p><p>"He wouldn't do that," Mikey breathes. "It must be the Rat King, someone....he <em>wouldn't."</em></p><p>The others don't say anything, because they don't know what to say. They know their father, know how kind and loving he is. This, this is <em>insane.</em></p><p>And yet...</p><p>And yet, Mikey saw the darkness in him the day Splinter took over the Foot Clan. And yet, Raph grew up without Splinter, and as much as he loved him he could never truly trust him. And yet, Donnie catalogues every time their father hurt them unnecessarily or messed with their heads, every time he played them off against each other. And yet, Leo has a few vivid, quiet memories of Tang Shen dabbing at bruises on her cheek, when she thought he couldn't see.</p><p>They know that their father loves them, that Splinter will always try to do the right thing. They are just not sure how solid Splinter's grasp on <em>the right thing</em> is, and whether that grasp is getting weaker.</p><p> </p><p>Leo goes to talk to their father, creeping into Foot headquarters while everyone is distracted by reinterring Saki's corpse. "You have to stop," he begs.</p><p>"Stop what?" Splinter asks, raising a brow with an expression of genuine confusion. "Fighting our enemies? Protecting our clan? Did you really not want that whore dead, after all she did?"</p><p>Leo looks down, because he really did want Kitsune dead, not that he'd ever admit to his brothers, but... "Not like this," he says. "Not at the cost of children, innocent children just like us. Not because you let the Rat King <em>play </em>with you--"</p><p>"<em>Enough</em>," Splinter growls. "I have spent two lifetimes trying to do what others call the <em>right thing, </em>Leonardo, and all I have ever gotten for it is pain and loss and the suffering of my loved ones."</p><p>He pins Leo with his gaze, the kind that once made Leo bow his head without question, before the Shredder taught him what happens if you bow without question for too long. "If you refuse to understand this, to do what is necessary to protect yourselves, then there are clearly some gaps in your training that I need to correct. And until then, you will need to stay <em>here</em>, where it is safe."</p><p>He turns away, no doubt considering the conversation over. "I expect to see you and your brothers back at Foot headquarters within the week."</p><p>"And what if we say no?" Leo asks.</p><p>His father turns back to him. "Why would you say no? Would you rather let yourself be hunted like dogs by Bishop and his ilk? Would you risk what happened to Raphael happening again?"</p><p>Leo flinches at that, but his voice is firm. "We won't kill for you, father. And we won't risk what happened to <em>Mikey </em>happening again."</p><p>His father's shoulders slump. "My son, you do not know how sorry I am for that--"</p><p>"Sorry? You're <em>sorry?"</em> Some of the passing Foot soldiers glare at Leo and he glares back. "Sorry doesn't make it better, father. Neither does throwing a bunch of money at the problem, or telling a total <em>stranger</em> where we live."</p><p>He steps closer to his father and they're both struck by how tall he's gotten. "Mikey has nightmares about what you did to him. And it's only gotten worse after what you did to those <em>children. </em>He blames himself for what happened to them, you know. Himself and me, maybe. I don't fucking <em>know</em>."</p><p>Splinter sighs. "I...the children they were a painful sacrifice, but now the shadow of Kitsune is gone from our lives." He places a gentle hand on Leo's shoulder, and Leo wants so badly to relax at the touch. "I only want what is best for you, my son. I only want to protect you."</p><p>Leo forces him to twist away from his father's hand. "Saki used to hurt me, you know," he says. "He beat me, choked me, gave me nerve pinches, held my head underwater. He'd make me train or fight until I literally thought I was going to die. He'd make me watch while people died, or order me to kill them--I did it, you know, you were wrong when you said I was a sword that didn't draw blood."</p><p>He stares hard into Splinter's eyes. "Every time he did it, he told me that he was doing it for me, because he wanted to help me, because he wanted me to be a better warrior, to learn the consequences of failure and the value of loyalty. Every time he said that, I believed him."</p><p>"I am not Saki," Splinter says, a bit of desperation in his voice. "I <em>love </em>you."</p><p>"I know," Leo replies. "That's the worst part."</p><p>He straightens his back, tries to turn his voice as cold as possible. "Do you still have the Rat King's sword? You could trade it back."</p><p>His father shakes his head. "It disintegrated after Kitsune died."</p><p>"Then you'll have to find some other way of saving those children," Leo tells him, "Or there's no way in hell the others will even <em>think </em>of coming back."</p><p>"The children are not our family, Leonardo," Splinter points out. "I will not risk staring a war with <em>another</em> immortal for them. And...they are probably already dead."</p><p>"You took them in," Leo insists. "That makes them family." His father just shakes his head.</p><p>Leo could give a thousand other arguments, but none of them would be heard, so he just says "Goodbye, Father," and walks away. Miracle of miracles, he manages to make it out of the Foot Clan building before breaking down in tears.</p><p>He doesn't acknowledge what he and Splinter both know is true; the children are probably already dead. </p><p> </p><p>His brothers all laugh at the idea of going back to Splinter and go back to what they are doing: squabbling about how to fix their father, which really boils down to fixing <em>everything </em>that has gone wrong during the miserable saga of the Hamato clan.</p><p>They even float the idea of consulting Renet, a ridiculous and extremely idea that they would all try in a heartbeat if they could somehow find a way to pin her down.</p><p>Five days after his last conversation with his father, Leo gets the first new text from Jennika in weeks. He has to go throw up after reading it, and so does Donnie after Leo passes the phone around.</p><p>
  <strong>The Master has decided that you will return to the Foot Clan by force if necessary. We're coming for you tonight.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>I'm sorry.</strong>
</p><p>(Jennika loves her master with all her heart. She has stood by his side through everything, even when he starts going against the lessons he once taught her.</p><p>But she knows all too well what it's like to have a father who loves you and is still willing to hurt you for stepping out of line).</p><p>The turtles stuff everything they can't leave behind into the van and tear out of there, leaving an empty lair for the Foot clan to arrive.</p><p>Donnie leaves a note, hastily scribbled on a piece full of paper: <em>Please stop this. Please don't make us fight you. </em>Splinter reads it, but he's too busy trying to identify the traitor in his ranks to really process it.</p><p>He's not mad at his children. They're confused, rebellious boys who need a firm hand to guide them. It's Splinter's fault for letting them go in the first place, really.</p><p>For a while all the turtles can do is drive around in a panic, not knowing where to go. They don't want to risk going to April's, Casey's, Harold's, Angel's, the Second Time Around, the Mutanimals', or the old Lair, suspecting that all those places are already being watched.</p><p>"We could leave the city," Donnie suggests.</p><p>"Splinter knows the farmhouse," Leo points out. "He'd find us--"</p><p>"I'm not talking about the farmhouse."</p><p>There's a beat of silence.</p><p>"We could steal what we needed," Donnie says quietly, not looking up. "It'd be hard, but we could do it. We could go...anywhere, really. Wherever we want. We could break into Disneyland, like we always talked about."</p><p>"New York is our <em>home," </em>Mikey points out. "All our friends are here, and our...our <em>father."</em></p><p>"If we stay, we're going to have to go to war with him," Donnie says quietly. "Are you ready for that?"</p><p>There's more silence, broken only by Leo's ring tone. Jennika wants to meet, to discuss all this away from the Foot's prying ears. She promises to work out a solution, and the others dare to hope she can pull this off.</p><p>Raph and Leo go to meet with her while Donnie and Mikey wait in the car, just in case...just in case. So they're the only ones who see Jennika step out of the shadows to meet them, and Splinter step out of the shadows to run her through.</p><p>"I was hoping it wasn't her," Splinter tell them sadly, as Jennika thrashes and gurgles on the ground. He looks like he's about to say something more, but Leo's already charging him with a howl. Raph snatches Jennika up, sprints away with her dying in his arms while Leo yells at him to <em>go go go.</em></p><p>It never occurs to Raph that Leo would stay behind. Not until later, when he's calmed down enough to realize that Leo could never have done anything else.</p><p>The father and son fight as Leo's brothers squeal away, as Donnie does everything he can to keep Jenny alive. Leo uses every ounce of his skill and experience and incredible will, even though he knows from the beginning that this is a fight he will lose.</p><p>He doesn't talk, and neither does his father. If they don't talk they can almost pretend this isn't happening, that this is just a particularly aggressive sparring session. Then someone shoots Leo with a tranquilizer dart, sending him spiraling into the dark, and the illusion is over.</p><p> </p><p>Leo wakes up strapped to a chair, and immediately he's drowning in memories of Kitsune and the Shredder, of an ice-cold voice raping his mind. Splinter stops mid-lecture to realize that his son is hyperventilating and kneels by Leo's side, holding him tightly through the throes of the panic attack. He promises Leo that he is safe, he is loved, he will not be harmed.</p><p>He does not undo Leo's restraints.</p><p>Leo slips inside himself, escaping from the terror and heartbreak, the realization that every enemy he's ever defeated, every horror he and his family have ever survived, have all been leading up to this. It suddenly becomes too <em>much</em>, all of it, and his father's betrayal is the straw that breaks the camel's back.</p><p>He shoves away his father's presence and a few sly nudges from the Rat King. He sinks deeper, deeper, deeper into the heart of the astral plane.</p><p>His mother's ghost knows what he is doing, but does nothing to stop it.</p><p>At last he stands before a searing blue fire, one that Leo has only used a few times before and with caution. This fire represents a power that renders Leo unique, even among mutants, a power that he has always feared would separate him from his brothers.</p><p>But now his family is facing the greatest enemy they have ever encountered, an enemy that intends to crush their spirits out of <em>love</em> instead of hate. And the time for doubt is long past.</p><p>Leo steps into the fire, and does not come out for a long while.</p><p> </p><p>Back in the material world the turtles break into a garage--the hospitals aren't safe, friends aren't safe, their father has always been too good at predicting their movements. Raph agrees to a blood transfusion, and Jennika wakes up screaming as her hair falls out and a shell sprouts from her back. Mikey holds her as she sobs and vomits, shaking so hard it takes a while before she can speak.</p><p>Meanwhile, Splinter is trying to convince the Purple Dragons to search for his wayward children. Casey tells him to go fuck himself. Splinter just stands there, reminding him over and over again about what happened to Slash, what almost happened to Raphael, reminding him of all the ways his mutant friends could be hurt or killed if left to survive on their own.</p><p>"Raph saved me from gettin' slapped around by my dad," Casey snarls. "I'm not gonna sit here and lt him get slapped around by his. And I'll tell you something; Jennika's not gonna stand for this shit much longer, either." (He doesn't know, poor boy, none of the turtles have had the strength to call him).</p><p>At the mention of Jenny's name, Splinter's eyes well up with real sadness. "It is too late for Jennika, I am afraid."</p><p>"What does that mean?" Casey asks, even though he already has an inkling of what it means. "What does that mean, you <em>fucking bastard?" </em>Splinter turns away, and the sight summons all the vicious rage Casey inherited from his father.</p><p>"Answer me, you--" Casey swings a bat at Splinter's head, recognizing far too late that he's made a deadly mistake, and the place explodes in blood.</p><p>Out of pure, brutal coincidence, the turtles eventually decide to seek refuge with Casey and his heavily armed friends. They find Hun in the middle of a shuriken-studded slaughterhouse, surrounded by the mutilated corpses of his friends, clutching his son's dead body to his chest. Raph and Jenny collapse in each other's arms, wailing.</p><p>"I'm going to kill all of you," Hun inform them. "But first I'm gonna to help you kill that dipshit daddy of yours." They agree, if only because they know there's no real chance of Hun killing Splinter. But he will be an efficient ally in the fight to rescue Leo--and that's all they're doing, they assure themselves.</p><p>When they draw out rough blueprints of the Foot headquarters, when they analyze the attack patterns of Splinter and his Elite, when they combine all the information Jennika gives them with what they know to build a halfway-decent battle plan...their only goal is rescuing Leo. Not getting revenge, not confronting their father, none of that ugly stuff.</p><p>The brothers assure themselves of this over and over, more than they would need to if they were sure of it.</p><p>Jenny doesn't say anything at all.</p><p> </p><p>In Foot quarters, Splinter sits in the dark and spills the soul to his essentially catatonic son. He confesses all the sins he's committed in the past and present, and expresses his fear of the sins he will undoubtably commit in the future.</p><p>"I...I know that I am changing," he admits. "That I have changed. The things we've all suffered...for a while I tried to forget them, to not let them alter me. But the horrors keep piling <em>up</em><em> and up, </em>until you just get so <em>tired </em>of fighting."</p><p>He brushes a finger along Leo's limp wrist, squeezing his hand. "You and your brothers are changing too, I think, but the changes are different than mine. What they are becoming, what <em>you </em>are becoming...I do not know what it is. But all I ever truly wanted is the right to see what you become, to watch you grow. Would you deny me that?"</p><p>In the distance, he can hear the faint rumble of gunfire, an insane roar that he recognizes as Hun's. "Distraction from the main attack, no doubt," he murmurs. The main attack being the one he has spent the last few days carefully planning for, awaiting for a strange mix of dread and anticipation.</p><p>He leans forward, planting a kiss on Leo's brow. "I'm going to go get your brothers, and then we will all be a happy family again," he promises. "Everything is going to be all right, Leonardo." He turns and slips out the door.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later Leo feels someone slapping him on the cheek, yelling his name, and obediently opens his eyes. He blinks at the sight of three--no, four, turtles gathered around him, bloodied and bruised, panting with exhaustion.</p><p>"Jenny?" he asks, peering at a set of familiar eyes through an unfamiliar yellow mask.</p><p>"Long story," Jenny says, already undoing the restraints.</p><p>"Blood transfusion," Raph mutters, tugging Leo to his feet. "Not really that long. Can you walk?"</p><p>"Yeah," Leo mutters, gazing somewhere to the left of Raph's head.</p><p>"What did they do?" Mikey asks, peering into his brother's eyes anxiously.</p><p>"Nothing. I did this to myself." There's no time to figure out that statement, so they just haul Leo out of the cell and down the hall.</p><p>"Angel, Alopex, and Hun are causing a distraction," Donnie whispers into Leo's ear while the others take down one of the Elite. "April's waiting for us in the ca--" They stumble into the throne room and Donnie freezes mid word.</p><p>Their father is waiting for them. Their father and a crowd of way, far more than they expected. The Foot has been recruiting, apparently.</p><p>"Stop this <em>now</em>," Splinter orders. "It has gone too far."</p><p>"Yeah," Jenny says, nocking an arrow. "It has."</p><p>"Jennika?" Splinter's mouth drops open.</p><p>"Surprise, bitch," she tells him. "I bet you'd thought you'd seen the last of me." Her words are flippant, but her voice is harsh with choked-back tears.</p><p>Leo stands tall, shaking the last of exhaustion away. "Tell your soldiers to drop their weapons and never pick them up again, and we will <em>consider</em> dropping ours."</p><p>"I can't do that, Leonardo," Splinter says sadly. Jenny fires her arrow and he plucks it out of the air. "Foot Clan, do not permanently damage or kill my sons. As for Jennika..."</p><p>"Kill me," Jenny finishes, blinking back tears. "I know." She raises her claws, and they charge into battle.</p><p>It's a strange kind of battle where no one really <em>wants </em>to hurt anyone; even Jennika's old clanmates aren't wild about killing her. But there is no choice; maybe there hasn't been a choice for a long time.</p><p>The ninja have been trained by the best, but so have the turtles, and they've had far more time to hone their skills. None of it really matters, though, because as hard as they fight they don't have a hope in <em>hell</em> of defeating the man who killed Oroku Saki. Even if they attacked him all at once, even if Angel and Alopex had been able to reach them through the crowd, even if Hun hadn't gone down under a hailstorm of ninja blades, screaming his son's name.</p><p>He disarms them all with brutal efficiency, pleading with them to surrender. Instead, they push through the pain and fear the way he taught them, forcing him to hit them again and again.</p><p>In the end, it's just Leo left facing his father, about to begin another doomed duel. "You will grow to understand the proper way of things, in time," Splinter tells him, readying his stick.</p><p>Leo looks into his father's eyes and nows that if he and his brothers were locked up here long enough, with only his voice in his ears, they would indeed come to understand his way of thinking. Either that, or lose their minds. And neither option is feasible.</p><p>So Leo closes his eyes, centers himself, and <em>screams</em><em>.</em></p><p>And from where they're all bleeding on their knees, his siblings look up and find themselves staring into the astral plane. They see Leo's eyes burning an impossible blue, see a fire in that same color run up the back of their father's robe.</p><p>Nothing seems to touch Splinter in the material world, but he still lets out a piercing cry and clutches his head. The psychic inferno consumes him, hot and hungry.</p><p>He growls and gathers his own white fire, reading to tear Leo asunder. But then there are the hands of a dead woman weaving through his astral form, taming his blaze while letting Leo's build and build. <em>Enough, my love, </em>Tang Shen's long-ignored voice whispers. <em>Let him end this.</em></p><p>Leo walks towards his father, letting out one piercing scream after another. His eyes are now glowing on both planes of existence as blood drips from his nose. He doesn't look quite like a mutant anymore, although he certainly doesn't look human.</p><p>The Foot soldiers go for their weapons, ready to cut this new threat, but Leo's siblings jump back to their feet and race to defend him. The few conscious children cower away at the sight of Leo's, youthful terror overwhelming the warrior's hardness Splinter tried to drill into them.</p><p>Splinter grits his teeth and tries to rally, but Leo's fire is pouring down on him. He trembles under the weight of emotion, of <em>pain fear loss hate betrayal grief sadness confusion pain pain pain hate hate hate enough enough <strong>enough.</strong></em></p><p>They're both screaming as white and blue tear at each, as Leo draws closer and closer. <em>I love you, </em>they silently howl at each other. <em>I love you. I understand why you're doing this, but I can't stop and neither can you.</em></p><p>They are both so alike, in the end. So desperate to protect the ones they love, no matter the cost.</p><p>Leo snaps his father's neck, and it sounds like a crack of thunder. </p><p>Everyone freezes. Everyone watches as Leo lowers his father to the ground gently, oh so gently.</p><p>He stands back up and faces the crowd, wiping blood off his face. "I am now the Master of the Foot Clan," he tells them somberly. "As Master, as I have only one request: Leave. Become guns for hire, start a new clan and fight about who rules it, go to Japan or California or Maryland, I don't care. But the Foot is no more. If I see anyone wearing its symbol or hear of anyone using its name, I will kill you. Do you understand?"</p><p>The other ninja stare up at him. Some of look like they might protest--the clan has been their <em>lives</em>, after all, for so long. But they look at Leo's family with their weapons raised high, look at blood pouring from the nose of the boy who took down Master Splinter in a way they never thought possible.</p><p>They would have sacrificed themselves anyway, if they thought there was a hope of changing things. But they don't think there is.</p><p>So they slink away from Foot quarters one by one, taking their injured with them. In the end, there's just five turtles gathered around the body of their fallen sensei. They weep for him, and for what he took from them.</p><p>Eventually, Leo collects himself enough to say: "Burn it."</p><p> </p><p>The throne, the armor, the weaponry, the first Shredder's tomb...it all goes up like so much kindling. The turtles stand and watch alongside Angel, Alopex, and April. Everybody reeks of smoke and gasoline.</p><p>Eventually, they have to leave before someone calls the fire brigade. They climb back into the van and drive away, their father's body bundled into the trunk. The sky behind them burns, red and yellow as a dragon's flame.</p><p>Leo curls up into a ball and starts to cry. He doesn't stop for a long time.</p><p> </p><p>The story goes on, as all proper stories do. They take their father back to Northampton and bury him, not daring to say anything at his funeral. Jennika and Raph don't attend, preferring to get drunk back at the house instead.</p><p>A few days later, Leo is wandering the woods when he is ambushed by Koya. He doesn't kill her, but he does defeat her brutally, ripping out her charm and crushing it in his hands. She's in a state of shock by the time Karai finds them.</p><p>"The Foot is over," Leo tells Karai, not flinching as her blood red sword flashes hungrily. "You can pick up the pieces if you want, but that wretched clan is going to die the way Father should have let it." She swings the blade at his head and he catches it, the metal hissing at his touch. Red fire meets blue, and blue fire burns hotter.</p><p>Karai leaves. Maybe she'll come back, to harry them as Metalhead and Bishop and the Rat King and the Utroms no doubt will, and maybe she won't. Leo doesn't really care right now.</p><p>He heads back to the house, and his siblings find him sitting on the steps, wearing the long grey cloak he got from somewhere. They gather around him, watching the sun shine together.</p><p>"What do we do now?" someone asks, after Leo explains what happened with Karai. Leo doesn't answer, just stares into nothing. He's ripped out his soul and his mind doesn't feel anything like it used to and he feels too tired for plans. To be honest, he's getting a little sick of planning, considering what his plans have led to.</p><p>But Mikey fills the silence before it can stretch too long. "We live," he says. "We live the way Sensei wanted us to before...before he lost his way. We figure things out. We survive."</p><p>"Exactly," Leo says, reaching out to squeeze his brother's hand as they watch the butterflies dance.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Legend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ninja must never be seen, as required by their code. Mutants must never be seen, as is necessarily for survival. That is what Splinter taught them, and that is what the turtles hold themselves to every day of their lives.</p><p>But...let's be realistic (as much as we can): this is New York. City that never sleeps, city of eight million, home to veterans who have to check the roofs and night people who keep their eyes on everything and retirees with nothing better to look at and children who don't need to have the impossible explained away.</p><p>Flickers of green can be caught in the dark. Shurikens can come whistling out of nowhere. A voice can be heard, a glimmer of eye spotted where none should be. And even if there's never enough evidence to <em>prove</em> their existence, any Bigfoot historian can tell you it doesn't take much to spin a tale.</p><p>"Angels are green," Esperanza Delgado solemnly informs her kindergarten classmates the day after she and her abuela are rescued from a mugging. "They carry big forks so they can feed the hungry, and to hit people who take more than their share. They talk like Hank the superintendent and they wear red, 'cause it's the prettiest color. If you're really good you get to be a skeleton after you die, and fight evil with them."</p><p>"I <em>swear</em> that cop was gonna shoot me," Alexander Colebury informs his mother, after stumbling home in a not-unconsiderable state of shock. "And then this crazy little metal thing came out of <em>nowhere</em>, hit his <em>gun</em>, like...I don't even fucking <em>know </em>what. And then we both just stood there, 'cause our brains were <em>fried</em>, 'til his partner showed up and calmed him down."</p><p>"Some crazy john got the drop on me, took my spray," Sassafras Green tells a friend over the phone. "Carmelita, relax, I'm <em>fine.</em> Yeah, some fucking kid in...I don't know, a green suit, some punk shit, showed up and hit the guy with a stick, knocked him cold. What? No, I did not offer him <em>anything</em>, the little fucker sounded fifteen..."</p><p>"The frogmen are real," Benjamin Fisher whispers to his pet squirrel. "One of them saved me from gettin' beat up, and then he went and got me some food. He was in blue and white, <em>American </em> colors. Do you know what this means, Richard? The frogmen are real and <em>they are on our side."</em></p><p>"Mr. Turtle got me a new tea cup cause he had to break the last one to save me from the mutagen," Chloe Redwood tells her father, holding up a cup. "You didn't get to see him 'cause he was here while the other turtles were fighting in my room."</p><p>"I am not hallucinating <em>shit</em>, young lady," Lavender Fleming stiffly informs her nurse. "I saw a fox making out with some girl in a witch's hat, did you think I could make that up? Now pass me those pills, and stop turning up your nose at your elders before you get into real trouble."</p><p>"My dad threw me up out of the apartment a few months ago," Derek Wilson tells his boyfriend. "I was just waiting around outside, praying for him to let me in, and then someone dropped the keys on my head. Thought he'd let me in, went back inside, and I found him hiding under the bed. Said some....lizard or something had broken in, threatened to break his legs or something if he ever hurt me again. Fucking weird...but for the most part it's actually stuck."</p><p>"Some boys took my hijab and threw it in a puddle," Amira Mezin tells her parents. "And then they got scared off by....I don't know, it was so <em>fast</em>, and it had a bunch of sticks on chains. After they ran off I was trying to wring out my hijab and someone tossed me..this." She gestures to a makeshift hijab roughly woven out of white wrappings and what looks like a bright orange mask.</p><p>"The white snake saved me," Lucy Garcia quietly informs the cops. "She came out of nowhere. If she hadn't, that guy would have....I asked her why she helped, afterwards, and she said she knew it's like to be a trapped girl. I don't care if you don't believe me. It's the truth."</p><p>"I fell through a sewer grate and an huge fucking spiky <em>turtle</em>picked me up," Douglas Bird informs his pot dealer. "Don't look at me like that, okay, I was <em>not </em>smoking the hallucinogenic stuff. He told me not to be a fucking idiot, and I <em>will, </em>I'm never getting high outside again, ever."</p><p>"My heater was broken, and this was <em>winter</em>, mind you," John Gbeho tells a friend over cards. "I was banging at it, couldn't get it to work, superintendent wouldn't answer....I went to get a wreck and when I turned back around it was <em>fixed</em>, swear on my mother's grave. I saw a flicker of...<em>purple </em>out the window, and it was gone before I could lok."</p><p>"Jesus didn't save me," Harriet Chang tells the paramedics, holding out what was very recently a badly bleeding leg as firemen spray hoses at his apartment building. "The people who carried me out of there were <em>green. </em>And one of them was talking to himself in...syllables and then everything was glowing blue, and then I woke up here. My guess is aliens. <em>Nicer</em> aliens than the last ones."</p><p>"An alligator got Mittens down for me," Tommy Nightingale informs his mother. "He was so <em>big, </em>and I was <em>scared</em>, but I couldn't even <em>scream, </em>and then he reached up and pulled her out of the tree and set her down and then he <em>smiled</em>, like a really nice smile! And then he walked away."</p><p><strong>Jean Grey lives! </strong>Todd Rickerson texts his friends after his car is prevented from falling off the bridge during <em>another</em> alien invasion by a redhead girl in yellow and black. <strong>Jean Grey is real, Jean Grey is moving shit with her mind, Jean Grey is REAL, people!</strong></p><p>"Mutants aren't all mean," Gabrielle Jones tells her friends. "My brother's <em>dating </em>amutant, and he's really nice! I'm not supposed to see him, but I have a few times and he's never tried to eat me or anything."</p><p>"I don't <em>know</em>, okay!" Christina Bianchi tells her doctor. "I jumped, I <em>fell, </em>and then someone caught me. I <em>saw...orange,</em> I passed out, and when I woke up the ambulance was there. I don't <em>know </em>who called them. I don't..." She looks down at her folded hands. "I don't know who's looking out for me."</p><p>This could be said for much of the city. They don't know who's looking out for them, but here and there you can find a nagging suspicion that maybe <em>someone </em>is, someone who's more honorable than the politicians, gentler than the cops, and perhaps even more badass than the firemen.</p><p>People make comparisons to Daredevil or Spiderman or even Batman, all quiet glimpsers of a larger truth. They spread these stories, letting them change and grow with every telling. The ones who believe listen to their politicians talk about the "mutant threat" facing New York and wonder if the politicians are wrong.</p><p>New York will never have a statue for its most stalwart defenders, or a day in their honor. But there will be something else, something stronger: a story. An urban legend, if you will, one that might last as long as the city does.</p><p>
  <em>(As Keven Eastman and Peter Laird taught us so long ago, some stories can endure for a very long time, in many new and beautiful forms. Happy thirty-six years, everybody).</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Mourning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Donnie wakes up and the first thing he thinks is that he's hungover again. He's only experienced this splitting pain once before, with April, and it left him genuinely confused as to how alcoholism became such a big problem in this country.</p><p>Then he remembers laser fire, screaming aliens, a bright green light in the sky, Leo's tears, falling and falling....He sits up with a gasp. "No!"</p><p>"Shhh, it's okay...." His eldest brother is standing by the laboratory pullout, blue eyes full of exhaustion and concern. But except for a few scrapes and bruises, he's <em>okay</em>, and so are the other turtles gathered anxiously around him.</p><p>"Wha...what happened?" Donnie blinks, rubbing his head. He must have screwed up the landing from the roof again. There's a bit of sticking plaster on his head and his arm is in a cast, but otherwise he's fine. "There was a bomb...the Kraang...." He shoots the others a panicked look. "We stopped it, right? It was so loud..."</p><p>Before the others can answer, a familiar voice calls, "He up?" and Casey sticks his head into the room. Only Donnie has to take a few seconds just recognize him, because 1. He looks like he's been crying, which Casey Jones doesn't <em>do</em>, not even when the earth exploded... and 2. He has the bushy tail, pointy ears, and jutting muzzle of a--holy shit he's a<em> raccoon.</em></p><p>Donnie gapes at him, trying to remember where Casey was when the bomb goes off. "You...you got hit?" he asks carefully.</p><p>"Everyone got hit, dude," Casey mutters, his head bobbing with the unmistakable sway of a drunk. "New York's a fucking war zone. My dad n' sis barricaded themselves in their apartment. And...and..." He lets out a sniffle and staggers away.</p><p>Donnie looks to the others for explanation. "The bombs went off?" he asked. "That can't, that shouldn't--Darwin's beard, the world must be on <em>fire..."</em></p><p>"It's okay," Raph says, taking Donnie's hand, even though his expression is that of someone who knows things will never be okay again. "It's....she....April, she contained all the blasts to New York, put up a shield so the effects here wouldn't be as bad."</p><p>"She <em>what?"</em> Donnie stares. "Why didn't you bring her here?" He glances around the lab, like they might have tucked April in a corner or under a table. "She's got to be exhausted, this would have taxed her even while she had the crystal. This is the safest place for her now, I'm going to have to monitor her vitals--"</p><p>Mikey lets out a sob, head dropping into his hands. Donnie jerks to a stop, staring at him. "What is it? What's wrong?"</p><p>He looks at his brothers again, and suddenly sees the faint tear tracks under all their eyes. Mikey's leaning against Raph now, shoulders shaking with massive sobs. Leo's taking deep breaths, as if working himself up to something. Casey's crying, New York has gone mad, and April...there's no April.</p><p>
  <em>April on the night they met, terrified and confused and scared out of her mind, but still looking up at him with that desperate courage, so so beautiful.</em>
</p><p>"Where's April?"</p><p><em>April as he dabbed at the bruises on her face, after the assassination attempt. He wanted to </em>kill <em>Karai, he wanted to take her apart, and he didn't say it aloud, but she somehow </em>knew, <em>squeezed his hand and told </em>him<em> it was going to be okay.</em></p><p>They're looking at him now, their faces melting and spinning together into an ugly mishmash. Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, only Leo didn't get the message because he's opening his mouth to say, "Donnie...she..."</p><p><em>On his knees at the farmhouse, sobbing and slamming his fists into his head under the crushing grinding weight of </em>everything<em>, under being leader and doctor and guardian when he was a </em>child <em>who'd never even been to </em>kindergarten<em>, and April holding him, rocking him back and forth, asking him to breathe with her.</em></p><p>He needs to do something, needs to hurt Leo before he can say the terrible words.</p><p>
  <em>April curled in on herself on a rooftop, gasping under the weight of New York's collective thoughts, the concrete cracking underneath them while Donnie held her tight and tried to fill their minds with soothing, simple, quiet equations, the only thing he could think of.</em>
</p><p>"It was too much for her."</p><p><em>April standing tall on a city street, performing </em>miracles <em>with her powers, eyes glowing so white, unique even among mutants, something wonderful and terrifying, harbinger of an impossible future. Nothing was too much for her.</em></p><p>"Her heart gave out."</p><p>
  <em>April in his arms, red hair sliding through his fingers, moaning and shivering and making him shiver and moan, the things they'd been able to do to each other...</em>
</p><p>"We...we found her...."</p><p>
  <em>He could dance, and none of his brothers knew. He'd taught himself so many styles before they ever went topside, so many more after they met her. He loved dancing, so much more elegant and safe than the random madness of fighting.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was the only one he ever dared to dance with, and they both loved it. He wanted to dance with her forever.</em>
</p><p>"I'm so sorry."</p><p>
  <em>There were scars on her wrist, under her uniform. Penance given to herself, after what she'd done to him. She'd only made a few before she stopped, and she swore to him on her mother's soul that she would never do it again.</em>
</p><p>....</p><p><em>She'd been in love with Irma Langstein. The day she told Donnie, he'd found her kneeling in the woods, in a shattered circle of trees. "I don't even know if she was ever real," she whispered. "Would it be worse that it was all a lie, or worse if she was replaced and I didn't notice?" All he could do</em> <em> was hold her.</em></p><p>....</p><p>
  <em>The first time he woke up in bed with her, he was so scared of being kicked out, but she just pulled him close and asked him if he was ready to go again.</em>
</p><p>....</p><p>
  <em>Her lips tasted of rose petals and her breasts tasted of spun sugar and her cunt tasted of sunshine and he told her all that when he was drunk and she didn't even laugh.</em>
</p><p>"Donnie?"</p><p>
  <em>He used to sneak onto her college campus and run the rooftops with her. "They must think I'm such a prude," she said about her classmates, and the very thought reduced him to giggles.</em>
</p><p><em>"Liar."</em> The words are harsh and brutal in his throat.</p><p>
  <em>She didn't go to prom, didn't see the need. Instead she put on a beautiful dress and danced with him in the pit, with his brothers and the people they loved. Mikey had put up streamers and everything, along with a worrying amount of Star Wars decoration.</em>
</p><p>"Donnie..."</p><p>
  <em>There were scars under her hair from the Kraang's machines, and Donnie was the only one who knew about them, the one who held her when she woke up screaming from nightmares.</em>
</p><p>"Fucking liar fucking bullshit fucking <em>hate you..."</em> They're on the floor now and the others are trying to hold him back, but Leo's not defending themselves or even trying to avoid Donnie's fists, just looking up at him with those eyes <em>those eyes those fucking eyes.</em></p><p>
  <em>Once, a government soldier stunned her with a psychic disabler and tried to force himself on her, so Donnie broke his neck, reduced him to a quadriplegic. Once a group of Foot soldiers tied him up and tried to burn out his eyes, so April made them all stab themselves. They never told anyone about these things.</em>
</p><p>Screaming howling sobbing bloody fists sensory impressions drowning him <em>no no no</em> his family is holding him and trying their best, trying so hard, but it's not enough because he wants <em>her</em>.</p><p><em>She liked to laugh at racist and sexist old movies. Her favorite color was yellow, the color of sunlight and her mother's hair, the color of burning lightning and a cat's cunning eyes. She put daylilies on her mother's grave every year. She knew what it was like to suffer and run for her life, she knew was it was like to see the stars and fly under her own power. She loved the Tessen because most people didn't think it was a weapon until it was too late. She loved the tanto because people would look at it and know exactly what it was, know to </em>fear <em>her.</em></p><p>There is a world where they spent a lifetime together. There is a world where they died together. There are worlds where she chooses Casey, chooses Raph, chooses Karai, chooses Shini. There is a world where civilization ended and they still found each other in the ruins (and a world where they didn't). There is a world where she killed him, and a world where he killed her. There is a world where they had their last dance at age seventy.</p><p>This is none of those worlds.</p><p>
  <em>He told her that he loved purple, because it was the color of so many rare things, like UV lights and nearly instinct birds. He told about her how happy he'd felt when he'd briefly lost his intelligence, and how simultaneously relived and crushed he'd been to get it back. He told her about how many sleep cycles in space he'd spent endlessly playing memories of home in the holodeck, just to keep from going crazy. He told her what it was like to die and come back, what it was like to create and then lose artificial life, told her things he'd never tell anyone else.</em>
</p><p>Eventually, there comes silence. He lies curled up in a ball on the couch, in someone's arms, too tired to even consider pushing them away.</p><p><em>It was her idea to talk Shini into hypnotizing the judges of a scientific competition into accepting one of his designs. She held his shaking hand the whole way through, because she understood his desperate need for acceptance, to not be another </em>freak<em>. When he won he broke down sobbing in her arms.</em></p><p>He knows even before they tell him that they've got her body in cold storage in his lab, with poor stupid Timothy, because where else could they put it?</p><p>
  <em>She was sobbing in the bathroom after she killed the thing wearing her mother's face. He sat with her, feeling helpless and stupid and full of rage for the monster that made her cry. Afterwards he asked if she wanted to play Chinese Checkers, immediately kicking himself for the suggestion, and was shocked when she said yes.</em>
</p><p>Kirby O'Neil died in the riots, and Donnie is quietly jealous.</p><p>
  <em>April didn't believe in God, but she'd seen enough ghosts to believe in them. On the very worst days and nights, she prayed to her mother's spirit. She never got an answer, but she never stopped hoping, either.</em>
</p><p>It hurts more than it did when he was disintegrated, more than it did when his father died, more than he ever imagined it was possible to hurt. He can't speak, can't eat, can barely <em>breathe.</em> The pain is too much. Long after his brothers have sniffled off to sleep he's still awake staring at the ceiling.</p><p>
  <em>For her birthday, he grew some buttercups in his lab and wove them into a crown. For his mutation day, she broke into a military base and stole some precious tech just for him. She went alone, so as not spoil the surprise.</em>
</p><p>If he stays in this broken, ruined brain, he will go crazy. He might not mind that so much, but suspects that April would. And he always hated to make her mad.</p><p>
  <em>"If I ever have kids, I think I might continue the artist thing," she admits to him sleepily, hair brushing over his face. "There were a lot of cool lady artists we could use, for daughters." Then her eyes flicker closed, and he doesn't even know if she remember it the next morning. But he does. He remembers everything.</em>
</p><p>He has to do something. That has always been his survival mechanism: to do something, <em>anything</em>, whether or not it makes the problem worse.</p><p>
  <em>She could do many things after she broke the crystal, but she couldn't fly again. Not until he built new wings for them both, beautiful wings. They soared over the skies of New York together, feeling like gods.</em>
</p><p>So he slowly rises to his feet and shuffles to his lab, trying not topple over under the weight of endless memories and freshly boiling tears.</p><p>
  <em>They were young and beautiful and in love, and after everything they had been through they still believed they might get to stay that way forever.</em>
</p><p>Donnie settles in a chair, straps a device over his head, pressing the buttons that boots up Metalhead 2.0 in the corner. He'd been working on the robot on and off for years, always scared to tell his brothers, for fear of their reaction--a fear that seems so silly, now.</p><p>
  <em>April knew, the way she knew so much. She worked with him on his projects sometimes, closing her eyes and letting pieces of glass and metal drift into the air. He'd take video of her at work, and she'd teasingly accuse him of just wanting jack-off material. "I'd never jack off to art," he said, not even joking.</em>
</p><p>He leans back and takes a deep, slow, breath, closing his eyes. He lets himself melt back into the wonderful, agonizing past.</p><p>
  <em>"This isn't Beauty and the Beast," she told him once, when she was feeling loquacious and maybe a little tipsy. "This isn't even the Princess and the Frog. This is a new fairy tale, with new characters. And just because we're new doesn't make us any less magical." He agreed.</em>
</p><p>In another world, dangerous growths were rushing over Donnie's skin while he did this, giving him no other option. His amnesiac brother was staggering around in the Pit, anxious to go before New York crumbled in on itself, but not anxious enough to leave him, despite not even knowing his name.</p><p>
  <em>On the last day they were both startled awake by April gasping and shaking, awoken by a psychic pulse calling the Kraang soldiers to action. They didn't have time to share a kiss goodbye, barely had time to talk.</em>
</p><p>In that world, he still had a faint hope of putting his life back together, if nothing else. Here he has...he doesn't know what he has. But he has to believe there's something, because April would believe that in his place.</p><p>
  <em>During the battle he caught a flash of her standing tall, red hair blazing like an inferno as she sent her Tessen flying through one Kraang's head and thrust her sword through another's chest, eyes narrowed in concentration as a third Kraang's head exploded off its body. She looked even more beautiful than she had the night they met, if that was possible.</em>
</p><p>DOWNLOAD COMPLETE, the screen beeps, and Donnie doesn't hesitate before downing a handful of sleeping pills.</p><p><em>As he fell, he heard April's voice in his head. </em><strong>I love you,</strong> <em>she whispered, and Donnie didn't have time to ask what was going on, didn't have time to do anything except whisper it back before the world went green, and then black.</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The pain follows him into his new shell, but he can build electronic walls to hold it back, to tame it. His heart is made of sharp shards in his chest, but at least his mind is working again.</p><p>He breaks into a funeral home to cremate himself, watches his old body burn and wishes he could tell April how profoundly fucking weird it all feels. He thinks there should be a helpful Latin term for it, but he can't think of any</p><p>He knows his brothers will be very ticked off and very confused, perhaps even hurt, to find their flesh-and-blood brother replaced with a robot. He'll have to cope with that as best he can, he supposes. It might be hard, but he has faith that they'll adapt to this as they have to so much else.</p><p>For now, Donnie goes back to his lab and sits in the dark, thinking. He needs a new project....and it isn't long before one comes to mind. A crazy one, probably, but one that fits him perfectly.</p><p>He goes to where April's body is stored and sets about slowly, gently collecting samples. He brushes a soft metal finger over her forehead before putting her away. "I hope you're not pissed about this," he mutters to her ghost, wherever it is.</p><p>He's not cruel enough to try and revive her. There's no force to raise the dead, certainly no force that can reverse brain and organ decay. Whatever he got wouldn't be April, probably wouldn't even be a real person.</p><p>But just because Donnie can't bring back the past doesn't mean he can't do something for the future. He gets to work on the samples, already making lists of the supplies he'll need to get in the coming days and weeks and months. This is a long-term project, after all, one with consequences that will last a lifetime.</p><p>He glances down at his fingers and reminds himself to add touch sensors in the near future. He'll need all his senses functioning at full capacity for when he needs to hold the end results of this project: something very delicate, very precious...</p><p>...And very <em>alive</em>.</p><p>He mixes his and April's DNA into Petri dishes, already dreaming up the designs for the more elaborate glass receptacles. He uses six dishes in all, even though he knows that there is a 99.9% chance that not all of the specimens will survive, and a 75% chance that less than half will.</p><p>There is more pain waiting for him, more loss, but Donnie can take it. He can take anything in the name of preserving April's legacy, of giving himself a reason to live. He'll do whatever it takes to give these tiny souls a chance to experience this weird, dangerous, absolutely magnificent world that April left for him.</p><p>When his brothers wake up the next morning they find Donnie sitting in his lab, electric eyes fixed on the cellular forms of his future children, processor whirring as he contemplates potential names.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Noise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT IDW.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>No one really <em>talks </em>to Slash these days. It's all nice and quiet in his head, whether he's riding in the back of the truck or resting in his cold steel room. Even when Bishop flicks the button that fills his head with raging burning fire, the fire is muted, like a TV with the sound off.</p><p>(Watching TV with the Mutanimals, getting sick over <em>Game of Thrones</em> and being reduced to tears by <em>This is Us</em>. They all bonded over <em>Saturday Night Live</em>, although it took a while for them to figure out that the people onscreen weren't really politicians, and Pete never completely got it)</p><p>He grabs at the memories, but they flicker away in his fingers. He screams in frustration, but the screams don't really mean anything.</p><p>He roars, but he barely notices the roaring.</p><p>Things are even quieter when it's Bishop filling up his head, speaking through his mouth and operating his body. Slash doesn't really know if he's actually <em>there</em>, if there is still something called Slash left behind in this big lumbering shell.</p><p>(He remembers Sally's head snapping back under his fists, remembers a man reduced to blood and bone beneath his feet, and sometimes he wonders if he really <em>wants</em> to stay in this body, in any body).</p><p>So, quiet. Quiet now, quiet then as far as he can remember, quiet as far as he can see into the future.</p><p>That is, until he finds the little turtle in orange.</p><p>The turtle isn't supposed to be anyone special. He's just one more target on a list, one more filthy mutant to wipe from existence. Except...except he <em>makes</em> himself special, by virtue of being so very <em>noisy.</em></p><p>He never. Stops. Talking. He talks as he leaps and dodges around Slash's swinging fists, twisting and flipping in a way that Slash will find hypnotic if he's not careful. He'll talk as he leads Slash on merry dashes through the city streets, sending him punching walls and tripping over garbage cans. He'll shout to Slash from the backseat of a speeding van, orange tails snapping in the wind.</p><p>Occasionally the cat will talk too, roaring things about family and loyalty and brotherhood, but he doesn't talk <em>nearly </em>as often the little turtle. Slash is surprised that turtle hasn't collapsed into a heap of words, the way they're always so anxious to escape from him.</p><p>He talks over Slash's roars, somehow managing to outyell him despite his much smaller lungs. Bishop will fill Slash's mouth with cold words about how <strong>your friend is gone, mutant</strong> and I <strong>will make him eat you <em>alive</em></strong>, but the turtle doesn't seem to listen. Sometimes his own brothers and allies will scream at him to shut up, that he's wasting time they can't spare.</p><p>The turtle ignores them all. He keeps babbling away, displaying a capacity for breath that Slash finds simply astounding.</p><p>And the things he says....</p><p>"Your name is Slash. You love books, chocolate, and comfy pillows, and you can't put them in a specific order. You think that Stephen King is overrated and you think that Nick Cutter is underrated. I've got video evidence of you dancing to Demi Lovato. You like to read books to pigeons. Your favorite superhero is Black Widow, because people tried to turn her into a monster and she wouldn't let them. Your second favorite suerphero is the Hulk, because he's big and smart like you."</p><p>Those things--they shatter the quiet, which Slash thinks is supposed to be <em>bad</em>, but it doesn't feel bad. Those things seem to fit, somehow, and no matter how many times the scientists wipe his memory the little turtle will always say more things that fit the next time they meet.</p><p>Slash calls him the little turtle, but that's not his name. The name he repeats, over and over, is...</p><p>"Mikey, short for Michelangelo. He made this really cool statue of a naked guy that everybody loves and that's what I want to do, you know? I want to create something that everybody loves."</p><p>"I asked you once if you wanted an artist name, like Vincent or Titus or Verner or something, but you said you didn't mind Slash. You said you'd grown comfortable with it, that it had grounded you in your worst moments."</p><p>Grounded. Slash doesn't <em>feel </em>grounded, not with this little turtle bobbing just out reach and saying such things. He growls, tries to silence him with a slice of his claw, but the turtle just dodges out of the way.</p><p>"Do you know where you got that claw, and that band? Leo gave it to you. He's my brother, and he stabbed you, and later he gave the claw and the mask to you 'cause he was sorry. Which is kind of weird, but that's Leo for ya."</p><p>"He's like you, you know. A bad guy tried to make him do a bunch of bad stuff, too, but we saved him. He came back to us, and so will you."</p><p>That's the strangest thing: the idea that Slash isn't supposed to be here, isn't supposed to belong to Bishop. But that just doesn't make <em>sense, </em>because there wasn't <em>anything</em> before Bishop.</p><p>Right?</p><p>"You were in the middle of <em>The Grapes of Wrath</em> when they took you, and I've got it in my room so you can finish it when you get back.</p><p>"This isn't the first time you've lost yourself, but you always come back, because that's the kind of badass you are."</p><p>The noisy words slither into Slash's brain, sending what was once quiet into a soft buzz. He starts paying more attention to what the scientists and soldiers say, even though he doesn't feel compelled to do anything about it. Yet.</p><p>Slash has dreams about this strange, mad little turtle. Dreams where beautiful music plays in the background and Mikey writhes on his lap, small face turned up in ecstasy. They churr together, Slash's deeper churrs making the turtle's little body vibrate all over.</p><p>Sometimes, when he wakes up, he's still churring, maybe even hard over his shell. He'll have to turn away from the cameras to take care of his needs, feeling waves of pleasure even after the turtle's face has faded from his mind. Feelings of shame, feelings of lust...he can't remember the last time he's felt them.</p><p>But he's not sure he wants to stop feeling.</p><p>They try to twist the dreams, turn them wrong. Slash doesn't know why, but he <em>knows </em>they're doing this. He knows it in the way he suddenly finds himself dreaming about <em>hurting </em>the little turtle, yanking his legs apart until they snap and forcing himself between them.</p><p>These dreams aren't <em>his </em>dreams. Slash knows this because the little turtle screams hateful words and tries to hurt him, really <em>hurt </em>him, in a way he never has in real life. And because...because <em>Slash </em>is not the person who would do these things.</p><p>It's been so long since he had any kind of realization about who <em>he</em> is, since he drew a line on what his masters can make it do. He finds he doesn't really mind it.</p><p>This revelation has consequences. Slash starts keeping himself awake rather than risk the not-dreams, until he's either gassed or simply collapses into a blank exhaustion. Either way, he doesn't dream, which is better than dreaming a lie.</p><p>"The orange one is proving to be an unhealthy influence," a scientist tells Bishop. "I would suggest targeting it during your next mission."</p><p><em>He's not unhealthy, </em>Slash wants to say. The words actually form in his brain before they're blocked by...by something. Slash frowns, pushing at the something, only to wince in pain when it pushes back.</p><p>The next time they fight, Mikey is so busy leaping and bouncing and making endless chattering <em>noise </em>that he doesn't see the dart whistling out of the shadows until it's far too late. Slash watches him fall, and something in him screams <em>no no no, </em>but his arms hang limply at his sides for reasons he can't quite put together.</p><p>The other turtles race to their brothers' side, and Slash is told to <em>stop them. </em>So he does, fending them off with his fists while the men in black take Mikey away.</p><p>The turtles scream his name, beg him to stop, but their voices don't dig into his head the way the little turtle's does. He sees tears streaming from under the blue mask of their leader, and the words <em>Leo's like you </em>flicker into his head before melting back into nothing.</p><p>At the facility, Bishop pats Slash on the arm and says, "I have a reward for you." There's something in his voice that Slash doesn't like, not that there's much <em>to </em>like about Bishop's voice.</p><p>"Are you sure about this?" Slash hears a scientists whisper to Bishop as he's led down back to his <strike>cell room</strike> cell? "The breeding program would work much better with artificial fertilization--"</p><p>"It's not about <em>breeding," </em>Bishop snaps. "It's about teaching a lesson to all parties involved."</p><p>And before Slash can process that, he's guided back into his cell, where the turtle...Mikey...is waiting for him. He's lying propped up against the wall, hands shackled behind his back, stripped of everything except that orange mask. There's a bruise swelling on the right side of his face, and a voice whispers <em>ice pack </em>in Slash's head.</p><p>They're alone together, only they're not, because there are cameras are on them and Bishop's fingers are weaving through Slash's nerves, operating him like a puppet.</p><p>"Slash?" Mikey raises his head, peering at him and blinking stiffly. "You...you okay, buddy?"</p><p>No, Slash is not okay. He realizes this as Bishop makes him walk towards Mikey, his tread heavy and dull. Mikey doesn't shrink away the way people are supposed to do in these situations, just looks up with those big blue eyes.</p><p>And then Slash's mouth opens and Bishop says, <strong>"You're going to get fucked now, little mutant."</strong></p><p>Slash and Mikey both freeze at the words. Slash's foot claws <em>screech</em> across the floor, everything else drowned out by a screaming roar of <em>no, not like this. </em>Not with the little orange turtle looking so frightened and scared, not the way it goes in his hateful false dreams.</p><p>A pulse of pain shoots through his head and he lurches forward with a groan.</p><p>"Stop it," Mikey whispers. He tries to rise to his feet, but his chemical-wracked muscles tremble uselessly. "He doesn't want to...<em>stop it."</em> The words echo in Slash's head.</p><p><strong>"Are you so sure?" </strong>asks Bishop. He drops to his knees in front of Mikey with a booming <em>thud. </em><strong>"That is the purpose of animals, isn't it? To rut?"</strong></p><p>"You don't know <em>anything</em> about us," Mikey spits. "You're just a sad, lonely, stupid <em>jerk</em> and you need to <em>let us go</em> before my brothers show up and beat the <em>shit </em>out of you."</p><p><strong>"And here I was going to offer you some lubricant," </strong>says Bishop, digging Slash's fingers into Mikey's legs. The little turtle whimpers, and Slash wants to whimper back. <strong>"I wonder, do beasts like you even need such things? Only one way to find out."</strong></p><p><em>No, </em>Slash thinks, fingers shaking. No, he can't...that's <em>wrong.</em> He doesn't know why, none of the scientists ever told him otherwise, but he <em>knows </em>that having sex with Mikey unprepared is a risk he can't take.</p><p>Bishop slowly, carefully drags Mikey's legs apart, taking his time. The little turtle whimpers and squirms, but doesn't have a hope of getting free, not in his state.</p><p>"Please," he begs, tears glittering in his eyes. "Slash, <em>please....</em>"</p><p><strong>"Slash is gone, you imbecilic</strong> <strong>abomination</strong>," Bishop snarls, yanking Mikey's legs painfully wide. <strong>"What's with the sniveling? Haven't your brothers already taken you six ways to Sunday? Isn't that why you little whores all run around naked?"</strong></p><p>"We're not <em>like </em>that," Mikey says fiercely.</p><p><em>They're not like that, </em>Slash thinks. He remembers, he remembers...talking, laughing, fighting, eating, forgiving him and each other for his mistakes, and Mikey, Mikey always making his beautiful <em>noise...</em></p><p>A bolt of pain blasts through his head and he hisses, letting go of Mikey to clutch his skull.</p><p>"Stop it!" Mikey tries, letting out a grunt of effort as he starts to drag his legs back to his chest. "You're hurting him, <em>stop--"</em></p><p><strong>"He doesn't feel anything," </strong>Bishop growls. <strong>"All he knows how to do is kill and fuck. That's what it means to be an <em>animal."</em></strong></p><p>A firm signal is sent to Slash's cock, ordering it to twitch and bulge against his will.<strong> "That's all you freaks are, and I would have made you mine, too, if I thought you had any value beyond a heap of organs and a convenient message to your fellow terrorists."</strong></p><p><em>"Shut up,"</em> Mikey says fiercely. "You're <em>not </em>his, Slash, do you hear me? You don't have to do anything for him."</p><p>"Does<strong> it matter? He's already beyond redemption," </strong>Bishop snarls, jamming Slash's knees between Mikey's legs so they can't close again. Slash groans, drowning under fresh memories of his sins, of pain and betrayal and carnage and death.</p><p>"That wasn't you, Slash," Mikey insists. "You couldn't do anything else because you were alone with Bishop<em>, </em>and you didn't have anyone on your side. But you do know, okay? I can help you, <em>we</em> can help you, and you...you recognize me when I talk, don't you? I <em>know </em>you do."</p><p>And maybe Slash does, but that doesn't stop Bishop from <em>thwacking </em>his finger against Mikey's face, which coming from Slash is like a full-on slap. <strong>"If he recognizes you at all, it's just as a wet hole to fill."</strong></p><p>Mikey lets out a soft whimper, blood spilling from his lip, as Slash's hand knocks him on his shell and leaves him even more exposed than before. <strong>"Now, do yourself a favor and move your tail before I have him rip it off and eat it whole."</strong></p><p>Slash's fingers are twitching against Mikey's plastron, trying so hard to move them <em>away</em> as he pushes, pushes at the thing in his head. But it <em>hurts</em>, it hurts so bad and now he's crying, too.</p><p>"Slash..." Mikey looks up at him, shaking. "You...you don't have to hurt yourself like that. If you...if you have to do this, it's okay. I <em>forgive </em>you. I..." He takes a breath. "I <em>love you</em>, Slash, and I should have told you that before."</p><p>Slash's hand stills, because while Bishop is filling his head with agonizing impulses to <em>hurry up and </em><em>fuck him already</em>, Mikey is looking up at him with something strange and deep in his eyes. And Slash can't look away.</p><p><em>Power of love, huh? </em>a gruff cat's voice growls in his head. <em>Some bullshit</em>. But it's <em>not </em>the power of love, is it? It's the power to <em>keep</em> loving, to keep believing, to keep talking to and fighting to reach someone after they have done terrible things, to <em>forgive </em>someone when they're about to do the unspeakable.</p><p>It takes a kind of strength that Slash didn't know existed until now, a <em>hero's </em>strength, the kind of strength he once dreamed of. And if Mikey can be that strong...maybe Slash can be, too.</p><p>He yanks his hands away from Mikey and slams his fingers into the back of his own head. <strong>"No, you'll kill yourself you stupid fucking--"</strong> Bishop's words through Slash's mouth are cut off with Slash's scream of pain. He shoves his claws <em>deep</em>, past skin and flesh, blood spewing past his hand as waves of lightning shoot through his head.</p><p>Mikey's is talking, his lips still moving even though he's drowned out by Slash's screaming. Slash focuses on his lips as his claws scrape the back of his skull, catching on the vicious little chip embedded there.</p><p>Bishop's voice is a howl in his head. <strong>DON'T YOU DARE THEY'LL NEVER TAKE YOU BACK I'LL MAKE YOU WATCH WHILE I</strong></p><p>Slash rips the chip free, crushing it between his fingers. His screams rise higher, building to an ecstatic keen as Bishop's voice flickers out.</p><p>Blood is pouring down his shell and all his buried memories are burning through his brain and Slash would really like to pass out now, please, but he can't. There are feet pounding towards his cell and Mikey can't walk, even after Slash yanks his bonds off. He can't crumble now, not when he's <em>needed.</em></p><p>He pulls Mikey to his chest, keeping him safe in a circle of muscular arms as he puts a massive foot through the wall of his cell and breaks it with a magnificent <em>crash. </em>Slash sprints through the halls as bullets bounce off his shell, Mikey whooping and howling at the top of his lungs in his arms.</p><p>Bishop emerges from a room, drawing a gun, and Slash doesn't hesitate before kicking him in the centers of the exoskeleton, sending him flying. Then they're crashing through more walls until they finally emerge onto the streets, vanishing into the sewers before the soldiers can even start up their cars.</p><p>Slash's head is killing him and tears are spilling down his cheeks, but they're tears of joy now. He lets his keen nose lead him through the dark, towards the church, towards <em>home.</em></p><p>"I love you," Mikey whispers, holding him tight. It's the most beautiful noise Slash has ever heard.</p><p>"I love you, too," he whispers, and his voice is entirely his own.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Orphans</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> About a month after Sensei died, Leo had reached the "get fed up and break into the lab" stage of the "living with Donnie" cycle. He found his brother sprawled at his desk, snoring softly, face pillowed on a piece of drool-soaked paper. Leo combined rolled eyes with a fond smile as he reached down and started to gather his brother into his arms, ready to haul him off into the bed.</p><p>Then he noticed the title of the paper, written in the painstakingly neat scrawl that Leo recognized as coming from Donnie right before a crash. It read:</p><p>
  <em> <strong>or·phan</strong> </em><br/>
<em>/ˈôrfən/</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>noun: <strong>orphan</strong>; plural noun: <strong>orphans</strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em>a child whose parents are dead</em>
</p><p>Curious, Leo lifted the paper free and gently set Donnie's head down before starting to read:</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Being an </em><strong>orphan</strong> <em>is a condition that, once achieved, shapes the people involved for a lifetime. It affects an incredible amount of the population, with a wide array of factors shaping everyone's experiences.</em></p><p><em>In the case of my family, we have certain preexisting conditions that will shape our experience as <strong>orphans</strong>, both for better or worse. A</em><em>fter a month of studying I have come up with a list of "cons" and "pros" related to being an <strong>orphan</strong></em> <em>based on my comparisons of life before and after the events that made us <strong>orphans.</strong></em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Cons Of Being An <strong>O</strong><strong>rphan</strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to look after the lair while we're gone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to make us special tea when we're sick (Leo's doesn't taste the same, may might have been using something rare and/or illegal)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- More work required to hunt and gather food now that Splinter can no longer fulfill that role</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- The gaps in all our training, especially April's</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Unresolved emotions tensions (shit we'll never be able to say)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to calm Raph down when he goes completely off the rails, not the way Splinter could</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to give us advice when we need it</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Leo having to serve as both leader and sensei, with a resulting increase in stress.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Guilt/animosity/trauma surrounding the events of Splinter's death</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Blaming ourselves for everything, including Splinter not being around anymore</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Trying not break down in sniffles at random moments</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Wanting to smash that stupid shrine and then hating myself for wanting to smash it</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Having to remove the food Leo leaves from said shrine so we don't get an infestation of rats and than fight with him about it</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Increased paranoia for pretty much everyone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Leo practicing his healing hands far too often and exhausting himself because he's scared he won't be able to do it all of a sudden</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to tell us stories about Japan and human life</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Mikey having crazy nightmares about the Kraang taking us away to an orphanage (and nightmares about everything else, of course)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No longer having access to a very powerful fighter</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pros Of Being An <strong>O</strong><strong>rphan</strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Casey doesn't have to pretend to hit on April so Sensei doesn't suspect he's with Raph</em>
</p><p><em>- April can stop suggesting that Splinter might be okay if Raph comes out, so we don't have to risk her finding out about what happened when Splinter found Raph's </em>Muscle Majesty <em>magazine when we were thirteen and how Raph's plastron actually got cracked</em></p><p>
  <em>- Mikey doesn't have to pretend to have a crush on Renet or Shinigami (or get the two confused) when he's really with Leatherhead, for reasons seen above</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Leo doesn't have to take cold showers as punishment for almost blowing me up, even though I got over it, and then exercise for twenty minutes straight to ward off hypothermia while reminding himself that he's not at the construction site</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to whip us with his tail when we screw up</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Raph doesn't have to worry about being locked in a closet with a bunch of bugs to "conquer his fear"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Leo isn't made to do katas that favor his bad knee because Splinter thought Leo could out-ninja a permanent physical disability</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to criticize Mikey so that he binge eats and then throws up</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Our nerves are no longer subject to actual torture techniques</em>
</p><p>
  <em> - There's one to offer us oblique, cliched advice and than get mad when we don't get it </em>
</p><p>
  <em> - No one to go on and on about how much Karai looks like Tang Shen until everybody is deeply uncomfortable </em>
</p><p>
  <em> - We're not reminded to be grateful we weren't left to die in the gutter </em>
</p><p>
  <em> - No one to compare us to Miwa, and no one to make us feel guilty about getting Miwa mutated</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- I don't have to wonder if this is the day Splinter knocks another tooth out</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- We don't have to spar nonstop and compete to be the best and be each other's enemies at home, and then be expected to work as a perfect team when we leave</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to blatantly favor Leo in a way that only Leo can't see</em>
</p><p>
  <em> - No one to get in really bad fights with Karai about Shini's presence in our lives and call Shini terrible names </em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to smack us around because it makes him feel better about losing his wife and his daughter and his old body</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to make us train until we're on the verge of collapse and then I need to fake an injury or get a real one and then go kill the power to the dojo or cause a similar crisis just to make him stop (And no recruiting Mikey to do the same so Splinter doesn't gets suspicious and then having nightmares of him screwing up)</em>
</p><p>
  <em> - We're not expected to strain for impossible limits (except for the ones we've been trained to give ourselves) </em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to tell Mikey he's stupid and incompetent</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to tell Raph he's unstable and disloyal</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to tell Leo he's a failure and damaged beyond repair</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- No one to tell me that my work is a waste of time and I need to work harder if I want to help my brothers <strike>work harder work harder I saved their lives more than he did that narrow-minded fuck</strike></em>
</p><p>
  <em>- I don't have dreams of committing patricide and then wake up feeling like a monster</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Permanent X Factors</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Whether Splinter only let April into our lives because she reminded him of Miwa</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Whether Splinter would have kept us around if Karai stayed human</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Whether Splinter would have treated Miwa and Tang Shen like this if his family had stayed together</em>
</p><p>
  <em> - Whether there was a reason that Splinter mostly left the lair for Karai-related reasons and made us face everything else on our own </em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Whether we deserved it when he hurt us (Logic suggests we didn't, but the man who raised us suggested we did)</em>
</p><p>
  <em> - Whether the way Splinter looked at Karai sometimes means he could have been as big a danger to her as Shredder </em>
</p><p>
  <em> - Why Splinter's ghost left us behind </em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Whether it would have been better for Splinter to be bad all the time, or bad sometimes and good others until we couldn't always tell the difference</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>To Be Resolved:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- If our relationships with each other are permanently fucked up by Splinter playing us off each other all the time</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- If Raph is going keep hurting people for no reason the way Splinter did sometimes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- If Raph and Leo are going to keep fighting all the time</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- If Leo is going to keep using Splinter's worst techniques to enforce obedience</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- If Mikey is going to keep throwing up his food</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- If it's a good thing that Splinter's ghost is gone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- If I'm going to keep obsessing over all this shit when I should be taking the opportunity to actually live my life</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>God.</em>
</p><p><em>This is so stupid. Why did I write all this? I sound like a fucking freak, even worse than usual. Why is</em> <strong>orphan</strong> <em> in bold? What's wrong with me?</em></p><p>
  <em>Why am I crying?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Writing this shit down doesn't solve anything. Or does it? What the fuck do I know? I'm a doctor and an engineer, not a therapist. And I don't even want to be a doctor, really. I want to build new things, not stitch people back together.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm so tired. Tired in the biological sense, and tired of thinking about being an <strong>orphan</strong>, and tired of not knowing what's going to happen next.</em>
</p><p><em>Maybe if I just rest my eyes it'll be all a dream and I'll wake up in the real world, where my father is alive and he's a good person </em>all<em> the time, not some of it.</em></p><p>
  <em>Or maybe I'll wake up in a land of lollipops and unicorns ruled by King Bobert the Fluffy. There's undoubtably more statistically probable.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Donnie woke up the next morning to find the list folded neatly on his nightstand, with a few sentences added in a different handwriting at the bottom. Each word was carefully rounded and precise in a way that suggested a lot of time and thought:was </p><p>
  <em>I've never thought about it this way. Never seen it so...clearly, before. It hurts, but maybe it's necessary. I don't know.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to talk to you about your ideas for making things better. I don't want to hurt you guys the way he did. I really don't.</em>
</p><p><em>Maybe we can't be perfect, but we can </em>try<em> to be good people all the time.</em></p><p>
  <em>Love,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Leo</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Pink</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT IDW.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lita hated the color of her eyes when she was little.</p><p>"You look so <em>freaky</em>, like a supervillain," a little lion-girl with big blue eyes told her once, because even a group of mutant children like them could find reasons to be cruel.</p><p>"It's like your eyes are <em>bleeding,"</em> said an elephant boy, waving his trunk at her. "<em>My</em> eyes are the same. Did yours fall out or something?"</p><p>Her eyes didn't fall out--at least, she didn't <em>think </em>they'd fallen out, although the possibility was enough to terrify her. Her memories of her mutation and the life she'd before it were milky and fractured even then, as if her subconscious was trying (and failing) to protect her from the worst parts:</p><p>Hiding under the table, crying and cowering while her parents screamed at each other, holding pieces of what had once been beautiful golden hair in her hands. Her father roaring: "It's not fucking human, Ellie! Look at it, look at its eyes! Our daughter's gone, and we'll never get past the barricades if we take that thing with us!"</p><p>Her mother had cried. Her mother had complained. And her mother had left her behind anyway. That hurt worst than anything her father had said.</p><p>She had another memory about her eyes, too, a memory of a mutant man kneeling before in the snow and telling her what curious eyes she'd had. There'd been something dark and hungry in his face, something Lita hadn't liked, but this was before she even had a name and he promised her such wonderful things if she'd just come home with him and do what she was told.</p><p>Then a green-black blur had fallen out of the sky, knives flashing in his hands. Raph had driven the man off, but Lita hadn't known him then, and she'd fled into the night, terrified. (It would be years before the courage to discuss the incident with Raph. "It was nothing," was all he said when she tried to finally thank him, not looking at her).</p><p>She was sure that it wouldn't have happened if her eyes were just <em>normal. </em>When the turtles had taken her in, she'd hoped that such things wouldn't matter anymore, until her fellow students dashed her hopes.</p><p>Jennika found Lita weeping in the bathroom, frantically scrubbing at her eyes. "Couldn't Donnie make them <em>normal</em>, like yours?" she'd sobbed.</p><p>"Maybe, but he wouldn't be very happy about it," Jennika had said, gathering Lita into her lap. "He doesn't not the kind of guy to mess with things that are already beautiful."</p><p>"They're not <em>beautiful," </em>Lita had moaned, tears spilling from said eyes to soak Jennika's fingers. "They're ugly. They're <em>weird. </em>Eyes shouldn't be <em>pink.</em>"</p><p>"Really?" Jennika asked. "Do you know what else is pink?"</p><p>Lita shrugged. "Barbie's stuff?" she asked. "But Barbie's so <em>creepy."</em> Barbie didn't look like anyone she knew, not even April or Casey, and it had always freaked her out.</p><p>"Not just Barbie," Jennika had told her. "Pink is the color of a rose that keeps blooming over and over again, big and tough, no matter how many times the winter comes. Pink is the color of the sky when the sun rises--you can see it happening. It's the sign of something <em>new</em>, and everything new has the potential to be <em>awesome."</em></p><p>"Really?" Lita sniffled, peering up at her.</p><p>"Really," Jennika had said, in the voice that brooked no question.</p><p>A day would come when Lita forgot her mother's voice, and the sensation of hair on her own head, and the name of the lion-girl who'd called her ugly. But she'd never forget Jennika's words.</p><p>So whenever people told her that her eyes looked creepy, Lita reminded herself that there was nothing creepy about blossoming roses, and that those same roses could hide dangerous thorns. Later, when people told her that pink was a silly little girl's color, she'd remind herself that pink was the color of a sunrise, and the sun was big and fierce and took no crap from anyone.</p><p>She was twelve when she followed Leo into the astral plane for the first time. He created a lake for her to look at herself, at the hot pink fire blazing from her eyes, fierce and uncompromising. When he taught her to project images of her Tessens, they would blaze with the same color fire.</p><p>When she was fifteen, she sat in a tattooist's chair and showed the raccoon the outline of the tattoos she'd planned out for her arms. She'd wanted a strange and wild pattern, the kind that would usually come in purple and black. Later, she'd add a sunburst to stretch across her skull.</p><p>Leo wasn't happy about her marking herself permanently, but Mikey thought the pattern was "sick" and Jennika's eyes had shown with pride.</p><p>Lita didn't tell them why she'd chosen tattoos instead of a mask: tattoos couldn't be stolen or torn the way a mask could. Someone could take a mask away, or she'd find herself giving up, but she'd never be able to give up her tattoos.</p><p>She'd never be able to hide the special place pink held in her heart, the way the other turtles had started to hide the special meanings blue and red and purple and orange and yellow held for them. She would not let her light be smothered by the dark forces rocking their world, shaking the precious lives they'd built to be the core.</p><p>People never suspected pink to be a dangerous color. And more often than not, they never suspected that Lita could be a dangerous girl.</p><p>Case in point: the day Lita found herself peering into a bathroom mirror with a Time Staff leaning against the sink, staring into her own inhuman eyes. Right now, she was more dangerous than she'd ever been. The power to rewrite reality, to bring back everyone's light or smother it for good, was quite literally in her hands.</p><p>She looked at those pink eyes and wondered: supervillain or sunrise?</p><p>There was only one way to find out.</p><p>"Please don't fuck this up," she whispered to herself. Her muscular hands tightened on the porcelain sink as she took deep, slow, breaths to center herself, the way Leo had taught her. She would not let herself cry or crumble, not today. She had work to do.</p><p>She grabbed the staff and headed outside, eyes narrowed in concentration as she called a portal for existence. A wind from another time whipped through clothing, as she pulled up a mask, saying a prayer to Kame and all her ghosts that this would work.</p><p>When she stepped into the breach her head was held high, sunburst bright with defiance.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Quick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mikey is <em>fast, </em>faster than any of his brothers. He beats them in all their races; when they chase him, he only gets caught if he wants to get caught.</p><p>His father is always telling him to be quiet 'like the forest' or something, but Mikey's <em>been</em> in forests and they're not quiet at all. Everything's always scurrying and rustling and constantly looking for something to eat, just like him. Besides, being <em>quick</em> has helped him a lot more than being <em>quiet </em>ever has.</p><p>The only thing quicker than his feet are his thoughts. If he concentrates, he can see the twist and bunch of his opponents' muscles, and that acts as a map that shows him where they're going to strike next. He can twist past any blow, dodge as long as it takes until he sees the perfect opening to get in a hit of his own.</p><p>They key word, of course, is <em>concentrate.</em> Mikey <em>tries</em>, he really does, but then his mind will wander to the latest issue of his favorite comic book or how he'll convince his siblings to let him pick the move tonight or the glorious, endless distracting quagmire that is <em>food.</em></p><p>Donnie compared him to a hummingbird once: "Super fast, loves sugar, short attention span." Of course Mikey had begged Donnie to make him colorful hummingbird wings with an engine and everything, but Donnie had said that Mikey would probably just crash through the Empire State Building.</p><p>Donnie has another word for Mikey, too: ADHD. He first used it when they were twelve and Mikey kept speaking too fast for anyone else to understand.</p><p>"He's doesn't have a <em>disorder</em>, he's just <em>nuts,"</em> Raph had said, and Donnie had starting going on about how "nuts" was no longer correct terminology for <em>anyone</em> and Mikey had done his level best to pay attention, but he kept thinking about how great Raph would look with a mustache next morning.</p><p>So maybe he does have a disorder. Or maybe... "Maybe <em>you're </em>just slow," he suggested to Donnie once. "Maybe you should worry more about speeding up instead of me slowing down."</p><p>"Maybe," Donnie had said, not looking convinced.</p><p>But his brothers <em>are</em> slow, too slow for him. It's how he was able to beat them both times they were possessed, because Mikey really <em>can </em>concentrate if he needs to, at least for short periods of time. And in most fights, all he needs is a little bit of time.</p><p>It's because he's so fast that he's the only one who sees it when they're on a supply run to the dump and a Foot soldier just explodes out <em>nowhere</em> (they figured out we use the dump, of <em>course </em>they did) and throws a grenade. Mikey's the only one fast enough to jump clear--he screams a warning as he does, but his brothers respond <em>too slow</em>, always too slow.</p><p>The blast sends the others flying. Donnie crashes into a heap of garbage and slides to earth, blood streaming from his forehead as his eyes slide closed. Raph slams into the hood of a car and tumbles to the ground, limp and still.</p><p>Leo's the only one left conscious (let them be unconscious, let them be unconscious and not dead) but he's screaming in pain and clutching his bad knee, frantically trying to jam it back into place. The Foot soldiers swarm him, laughing and joking, their faces contorted with glee. One of them shackles Leo's arms behind his back while another toss his swords away.</p><p>From Mikey's place on top of another garbage pile--overlooked once again--he hears one of them say, "Do you think it sucks cock?"</p><p>And Leo fights harder, his face going wild with terror, but Mikey's already leaping down to join them, weapons blurring in his hands. Their eyes shift to him, and the Foot soldiers look almost <em>happy.</em></p><p>Then a knife is gleaming in the hands of the man who spoke before and he's pulling back Leo's head by the mask tails, exposing his throat.</p><p>Because Mikey is fast, and because he is concentrating as he almost never does, he knows exactly what is going to happen. The man will hold that knife to Leo's throat and order Mikey to surrender, and Mikey <em>will</em>, no matter how much Leo begs him to run.</p><p>He will surrender and these men will <em>hurt </em>him and his brothers, hurt them and break them and force them to degrade themselves. Then they will be taken by to Shredder, to be hurt even worse, and if they ever escape it will only be as shadows of what they once were.</p><p>Mikey understands all this in the space between seconds, and he knows what he must do to stop it: <em>everything.</em></p><p>He drops a nunchuck and goes for a shuriken, sending it spinning across the clearing. Mikey has snatched his 'chuck back out of the air before the shuriken enters the Foot soldier's eye and passes into his brain. He falls backward, knife falling from his spasming fingers, and in his head Mikey can hear Donnie talking about the nervous system as he triggers his blades, turning the nunchucks into kusarigama.</p><p>The other Foot soldiers aren't smiling now, they're charging with their weapons drawn, but they move so sloooooowly<em>. </em>Mikey's blades snap, and snap again as arrows fall to pieces around his feet. He leaps and ducks and dodges, little puffs of air skidding across his skin as they miss over and over again.</p><p>He doesn't have time to hesitate before he's dragging a kusarigama blade across two throats in one blow. Then he's bracing his foot against a man's chest to rip his other blade out his his head, spattering himself with fragments of bone and brain.</p><p>Mikey whirls through the crowd like a razor-edged top, streamers of blood flowing in the air around his head. He's laughing or screaming or <em>something,</em> a mad babble of noise spilling from his mouth.</p><p>His enemies are fierce and desperate, older and bigger than him, but they're all doomed because Mikey isn't a hummingbird anymore, he's a <em>falcon:</em> blindingly rapid, made of sharp edges, and without mercy.</p><p>It's over in less than three minutes. All of a sudden Mikey's standing on top of a heap of corpses, soaked with blood as the smell of shit fills the air. Leo is similarly drenched, staring up at him from his knees, blue eyes blank with shock.</p><p>Mikey looks down at his brother. He looks at his other brothers, staggering to their feet with twin groans. He looks around at the bodies around his feet, many of whom would reasonably fit the description "sliced and diced." He looks at the blood turning his green skin red, until he looks like a Christmas tree. He looks down at his weapons, drenched with blood and skin and bits of oozing flesh.</p><p>Mikey throws his weapons away and falls to his knees, clutching his head. He lets out a thunderous howl before going very, very still.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?</em>
</p><p>Mikey is sitting in the tub, curled up in Leo's lap. Warm water is running, pooling around them both, and Leo is singing. They are both covered in blood.</p><p>
  <em>Sonnez les matines, Sonnez les matines,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.</em>
</p><p>Mikey can't remember the return home. He knows Donnie fixed Leo's leg, and he thinks he was carried. He must have been, because he can't remember walking. </p><p>
  <em>Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?</em>
</p><p>Mikey thinks he can hear the others in the main room, talking to Splinter. He wonders if his father will be disappointed when he hears about what Mikey did, what he became. He wonders if the others are horrified now.</p><p>
  <em>Sonnez les matines, Sonnez les matines,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.</em>
</p><p>Leo is scrubbing him clean now, still singing. Hearing his soft, strong voice sing lullabies can relax Mikey in a way few things do. He's lost count of the number of nights he's fallen asleep to Leo singing.</p><p>Leo is always the one to sing the lullabies, tell the stories, bully everyone into eating their vegetables and check under the bed for monsters. He once carved a circle into the floor of Mikey's room, a place where all the monsters would be lured and trapped.</p><p>
  <em>Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?</em>
</p><p>Mikey made Leo a Mother's Day card once. He realized too late how it would be misinterpreted when he saw the flash of hurt in his brother's eyes, and had to reassure him that this wasn't a prank, that he just wanted to show how grateful he was for everything Leo did. He hopes that Leo believed him.</p><p>
  <em>Sonnez les matines, Sonnez les matines,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.</em>
</p><p>Mikey's thoughts are wandering again, his mind speeding away from him. If he's not careful, he'll find himself returning to <em>bright light spurting red the give of blades in flesh scrape of metal and bone</em></p><p>He throws up, cutting Leo off mid-lyric. "Sorry," Mikey mutters, but Leo just flicks on the shower and lifts Mikey to his feet, letting the filth run off them both as he keeps scrubbing and singing. <em>Like Cinderella, </em>Mikey thinks, and bites back a spurt of hysterical laughter.</p><p>
  <em>Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?</em>
</p><p>Mikey watches a stream of blood and pizza flow around their feet, melting into the drain. Leo lifts one foot after another, letting a few particularly big chunks flow by unobstructed, and Mikey copies him. It's a dance: the Shower Dance, the Puke Dance, the Murder Dance.</p><p>
  <em>Sonnez les matines, Sonnez les matines,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.</em>
</p><p>Leo's rubbing blood off his face now, using what Mikey now realizes is one of several cloths. Most of the others are folded neatly in the corner, stained a bright red.</p><p>Mikey sometimes likes to sit and watch the wash go by in the machine. He doesn't think he'll want to watch this particular load.</p><p>
  <em>Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?</em>
</p><p>Leo's turning him around and wow, some of the blood actually got on his shell. Maybe if Mikey closes his eyes and doesn't think of anything, it'll just be another shell-scrubbing day.</p><p>Then Leo's brush catches in something and a tooth pops out of a crease in Mikey's carapace. He retches again, although thankfully nothing comes up, and Leo's rubbing his shell. "Easy," he says. "It's okay."</p><p>(Raph says that Leo is too much of a goody two-shoes to lie, one of many reasons why Raph is an idiot)</p><p>
  <em>Sonnez les matines, Sonnez les matines,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.</em>
</p><p>Mikey usually squirms or leans into the sensation when his shell is being scrubbed, but now all he can do is stand still, staring at his feet.</p><p>If he moves his body too fast, he's afraid that his thoughts will speed up again, too, and lead him back into the dark.</p><p>
  <em>Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?</em>
</p><p>It seems to take hours before Leo's done with Mikey and starts scrubbing himself. Mikey just stands there, staring like a lump as fresh water trickles down his head.</p><p>"Can...can I help?" he forces himself to ask when Leo's done with his own front. His brother obediently <strike>exposes his back to the killer </strike>turns around, and Mikey scrubs him. Blood melts away beneath his fingers, blood that he shed.</p><p>Leo keeps singing and Mikey focuses on that, rather on his hands and what they've just done.</p><p>
  <em>Sonnez les matines, Sonnez les matines,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.</em>
</p><p>When Leo finally helps him out of the shower, there's no sound from the Pit. Mikey holds still as Leo rubs them both down, the way Splinter used to do when they were small.</p><p>Mikey rubs the steamed-up mirror and gazes at his reflection. The turtle looking back has something dead in his big blue eyes.</p><p>"I'm a monster," he says quietly. Leo hears it anyway, because Leo has a mom's super-hearing.</p><p>"You're a <em>hero,"</em> he replies firmly, voice a little hoarse from all that singing. "You saved me, you saved <em>all </em>of us." He gently takes Mikey by the shoulder and turns him so that their eyes meet. "You took on an entire troop of Foot Ninja by yourself--that's amazing."</p><p>"<em>Amazing?! </em>I <em>killed </em>them," Mikey says, gaping at him. "I was <em>laughing..."</em></p><p>"That doesn't mean you enjoyed it," Leo tells him, face filled with absolute faith. "Those men--they were <em>monsters</em>, Mikey. If you didn't stop them, stop them for <em>good, </em>they would have..."</p><p>His face goes dark, and Mikey knows they're both thinking of the same words: <em>Do you think it sucks cock</em><em>?</em></p><p>Mikey bows his head. "They were monsters," he admits, "But I...I don't want to be a monster, too."</p><p>"We're <em>all</em> monsters, remember?" Leo says, lifting Mikey's hand so he can see their intertwined green fingers. "We're not human, we're not normal...we're not <em>safe</em> the way that people are. But you're a <em>good</em> monster, Mikey. You fought to protect the ones you loved, to stop something terrible from happening. Bad guys don't do that."</p><p><em>A good monster. </em>He's never considered the possibility before, same way he never imagined that he could kill a bunch of people and then have his brother clean him up in the bathroom afterwards.</p><p>If he's a good monster...is it okay for him to do these things? Is that why he was born so quick, so he could do them? He doesn't know the answer to that, and doesn't want to ask the question out loud for fear of how Leo will answer.</p><p>"Master Splinter will be mad," he says instead, fingers drumming nervously on his thigh.</p><p>"He'll understand," Leo says. "The others understand why you did what you did, and so will he. And if he doesn't, I'll <em>make </em>him understand."</p><p>Mikey raises an eye ridge. "No one can <em>make </em>Master Splinter do anything."</p><p>"Are you sure?" Leo asks. "We got him to let us go topside, didn't we?"</p><p>Mikey glances down at their hands. "Do you think that was a good idea?" he asks quietly.</p><p>"Of course it was," Leo says. "If we hadn't, the Kraang would have destroyed the world and April and Karai would never have gotten free."</p><p>"But everything that's happened..." Mikey shivers.</p><p>"Was worth it," Leo says firmly. <em>"Living </em>is worth it. Getting to see you run free, getting to <em>live</em>, all of us, that's worth it."</p><p>Mikey looks up at his brothers and decides to believe him, as best he can. "Okay," he says, suddenly feeling very tired. "Can we go to bed now?" he yawns.</p><p>Leo smiles. "Of course."</p><p>He leads Mikey through the silent Pit and curls up under the covers with him, wrapping his arms around Mikey's shell and tugging him to his chest. "In the morning we'll make pancakes," he promises.</p><p>"M'kay," Mikey mumbles, feeling Leo's heartbeat vibrate through his ear slits. "Leo? Can you sing for me some more?"</p><p>"Always." And Leo does exactly that, his chest vibrating with the words:</p><p>
  <em>Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sonnez les matines, Sonnez les matines,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.</em>
</p><p>Mikey drifts off and dreams of dancing in red streamers, feet moving faster than lightning. He's joined by a partner, a Foot ninja with a silver star for an eye, who hums dirty songs as they whirl around the dance floor.</p><p>Mikey wakes up whimpering, but Leo's there to soothe him and sing him back to sleep. This time, he dreams of nothing at all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Rescue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Takes place during the IDW "City Fall" arc.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tang Shen steps into her son's mind and is not surprised to find herself on a battlefield.</p><p>Wherever she is, it's not Earth--the words <em>Dimension </em><em>X</em> flicker through her mind. Laser fire screams across the oddly colored sky, while rumbles tear through the bare stone ground. Stone soldiers and elf-eared warriors exchange fire, their curses and battle cries ringing in her ears.</p><p>Her eldest child kneels before a blazing inferno, bloody swords hanging limply in his hands as he stares at nothing. As Shen approaches, she can make out three scorched corpses among the fire, their nauseating smell burning the air. Tears scream down his cheeks, his jaw hanging limp from the force of a world-shattering scream, and Shen's heart wrenches at the sight.</p><p>"Leonardo," she whispers, placing a hand on his shoulder. "My son, I am so sorry...." Sorry she wasn't here to prevent this, sorry she took so long to worm through the defenses Kitsune put up around his mind, sorry her beautiful boys have to live in a world where these things have even the potential to happen.</p><p>"It's not <em>real,"</em> she says firmly. "They are <em>alive</em>, all of them, and your father has not betrayed--"</p><p>"He can't hear you."</p><p>Shen turns to see Kitsune standing behind her, a mischievous grin on her exquisite face. "He only hears what I want him to hear, only sees what I want him to see, only <em>thinks</em> what I want him to think. It's quite efficient, really."</p><p>"Let him go," Shen growls, hand curling into a fist. Her fingers quiver with the kind of fury she never experienced when she was alive, the kind that makes the landscape around them vibrate slightly.</p><p>"And ruin all my hard work?" Kitsune waves a hand at the inferno where the other turtles burn. "You should just run along, little girl, before you end up breaking what little mind he has left."</p><p>There's a booming rumble in the distance, and shrapnel whizzes over their heads. Kitsune sighs. "Although I suppose that if you <em>are</em> going to throw a temper tantrum, we could stand for a more...intimate setting."</p><p>And just like that, they're standing in a dark, cramped bedroom. Leonardo lies strapped to the bed, struggling to get free as his terrified pants echo through the room. A monstrous rat looms over him, naked and hard, running clawed hands up his thighs.</p><p>Kitsune smirks. "Titillating, isn't it?"</p><p>Shen wants to vomit, but she forces herself to take deep, slow breaths and <em>concentrate.</em> "Two can play at that game," she reminds Kitsune, as the scene warps around them once again.</p><p>They're standing in a temple in Hell, a room made of vicious reds and whites. A Dragon is suspended from the ceiling, letting low groans of pain as towering shadows drag hooks through his scales, slowly peeling off his flesh. Fountains of flaming blood spill from the stumps of his feet, making the floor steam.</p><p>Kitsune staggers backward, eyes wide with shock. "This isn't real," she says firmly. "My father is not being <em>tortured."</em></p><p>"Did you think you were the only one who could weave illusions?" Shen asks, raising an eyebrow. "I spent three hundred years on the astral plane--that may be a heartbeat to you, but for a little mortal like me it's more than enough time to teach myself a thing or two."</p><p>"Ah, yes." Kitsune curls her lip, trying to regain herself. "All those years, <em>waiting</em> like a good little girl to be reunited with the spirits of your family, only for them to get shiny <em>new </em>bodies while you were left behind." She snickers. "The kindness of the Dreamer is <em>legendary</em>, after all."</p><p>"She has her flaws," Shen admits, "But even she understands that you are going too far." She snaps her fingers and the Dragon's tail cracks, triggering a resounding howl--Kitsune's face blanches before she quickly regains herself.</p><p>"Who do you think told me what you had done?" Shen asks. "Your mother is <em>worried</em> about you, Kitsune."</p><p>"My <em>aunt</em>, not my mother," Kitsune spits. "And she barely has the right to be called <em>that."</em></p><p>"She is <em>both</em>,"Shen reminds her. "And she loves you more than <em>he</em> ever did." The Dragon's tail twists off his body, dropping to the floor with a fresh, burning spray. "But <em>I</em> don't love you in the slightest, and I have no reason to offer you mercy."</p><p>"Enough." Kitsune waves her hand and they're back in the bedroom. The monster-rat moves between Leonardo's legs, letting off loud grunts as blood spills across the creaking mattress. Leonardo stares blankly at the ceiling, his eyes dead and lost. Shen's knees buckles at the sight, and she wraps her arms around her chest, fighting the urge to rush to his side.</p><p>"Pretty little thing, isn't he?" Kitsune muses, brushes a finger along his forehead. "Even in his current...unfortunate state. And he must have been so much more <em>handsome</em> when he was actually a <em>person--</em>it makes one wonder...."</p><p>The scene changes a little, so that in Leonardo's place there's a boy with long black hair and similarly blank expression. The rat raping him transforms into a man--Hamato Yoshi, his face twisted with an expression of demonic glee that Shen never saw in real life.</p><p>"Your son's memories of that time are scattered enough that I truly can't tell if your husband ever...indulged," Kitsune says, with a tone of mocking curiosity. "He was without <em>you </em>for so long, at least in mortal terms, and a red-blooded man has <em>needs..." </em>She cocks his head. "You know, your son looked quite a bit like you, in his first life. I bet in certain lights Yoshi could barely tell the difference...."</p><p>Shen grinds her fingers into her palms, fighting to ground herself. "We are discussing loneliness, then?" she asks, her voice shaking ever so slightly.</p><p>She sucks in a breath and the scene changes to the battered scape of the afterlife. Oroku Saki writhes in the arms of three soldier ghosts, his hair spilling out from under his helmet and his eyes blown out in an expression of insane debauchery.</p><p>Kitsune's face works, but when she speaks it's with a tone of light chiding. "Why, Tang Shen! I never knew a good little wife and mother like you had such a <em>filthy </em>imagination."</p><p>"I didn't," Shen admits. "But, well....<em>centuries</em> of isolation can change you." A man in a grey uniform jabs his gun down Saki's throat, making it twitch and pulse. "Being butchered like a pig can change you." Saki laps and sucks at the barrel, eyes rolling wildly. "Your husband and children getting beheaded can change you." The man tosses the gun to one of his fellows, who doesn't hesitate before sticking it between Saki's legs. "Hearing that your son was enslaved by a vicious <em>brat</em> who doesn't know to leave well enough alone can change you."</p><p>Kitsune growls, low and animalistic, and the scene melts once again. But instead of creating something new, Kitsune leaves them standing in a void as a noose falls down from nowhere and wraps around Shen's neck.</p><p>Shen summons a knife to cut it, but the knife just breaks against the rope as it tightens, hauling her off her her feet. She lets out a choked gasp, frantically clawing at the noose. <em>It's not real, </em>she chants to herself, but it <em>feels </em>real, the burn of the rope and the strain on her lungs feels as real as the swords in her gut did so long ago.</p><p>In a blink Kitsune is standing before her, her face flickering between pristine beauty and animalistic snarling. "Who do you think you <em>are</em>, you stupid broodmare?" she hisses. "Do you think we are <em>equals? </em>That we can just tell each other nasty stories all day long like a pray of gossiping fishwives?"</p><p><em>Focus, </em>Shen tells herself firmly. <em>Focus. You are dead, no matter how you pretend otherwise. The dead do not need to breathe. Think. </em></p><p>"I was old before you humans had learned not to shit all over yourselves," Kitsune hisses. "I am a <em>goddess, </em>and you are a sad little creature who will only ever be remembered for dying."</p><p>Shen grits her teeth and shoves herself against the rope, breaking her own neck with a <em>snap.</em> Then she reaches up and grabs her head, yanking it free of the noose. She slips to the ground, landing lightly, eyes narrowed in concentration as she grinds her own head back into place.</p><p>"You're right," she agrees. "I am dead...and that means I have no limits. Not like you."</p><p>She reaches out and wraps her fingers around Kitsune's throat, digging into skin that is smooth and cold as snow. "While you and your wretched husband were sleeping, I was <em>waiting. </em>I was <em>learning." </em>Kitsune's claws tear at her skin, cutting deep, but Shen doesn't flinch at the pain. "I am dead, and the dead are <em>relentless.</em> Now let <em>me speak to Leonardo."</em></p><p>Kitsune roars and the void dissolves into a series of nightmarish images--Shen closes her eyes, but she sees them anyway.</p><p>Raphael kneeling in an alley, filthy and starved, before a man with a hand in his pants and a hungry look on his face. Donatello writhing in Saki's armored grip, blood and shit trickling down his legs. Leonardo, his eyes blank behind his black mask, chopping off Michelangelo's head with a single blow.</p><p><em>I could leave you here forever,</em> Kitsune hisses, eyes glittering even as she shakes and chokes. <em>I could make you watch--</em> Shen squeezes harder, pouring more power into her fingers, and Kitsune's struggles become more frantic.</p><p>The trail of images shakes and shutters, as different nightmares are crowded in on each other. Michelangelo's bloody corpse melts into the Dragon falling from the sky into Yoshi screaming into Saki being strangled by rotting fingers.</p><p>And then there's a blade swinging at Shen's head, and she has to let go before Leonardo can chop off her arms.</p><p>"Leonardo," she whispers, staggering backwards. It <em>is </em>her son, not a memory or an illusion; he's looking directly at her, his eyes clouded with rage. He's wearing Foot regalia, a black mask tied far too tightly around his head.</p><p>He moves to stand before Kitsune, sword in a defensive stance. Kitsune is readjusting her robes and hair, a calm smile slithering back onto her face.</p><p>"Do you see?" she says quietly. "Your son is <em>dead</em>. I broke his mind open and rearranged his soul. Even if you <em>could</em> bring him back, he would be inhabiting a ruin. Would you be so cruel as to make him live that way?"</p><p>"Leonardo..." Shen repeats. He can't kill her, but he can drive her out of his mind, and to lose him now would be worse than dying.</p><p>"You're not real," her son says, a note of desperation in his voice. "You're not real, you're not-I am not <em>crazy." </em>He draws closer, the sword shaking in his hands. "You're just another one of the rat's illusions<em>."</em></p><p>"I couldn't have said it better myself," Kitsune says, smirking.</p><p>Leonardo doesn't respond to that, just swings his blade at Shen's neck, lips moving in a silent cry.</p><p>"<em>T</em><em>akeo, stop!"</em></p><p>The sword jerks to a halt in midair, and Leonardo and Kitsune both gape at her.</p><p>Kitsune didn't know Leonardo's old name, because Leonardo didn't know it--not until now, anyway. It was Shen's last card to play, the one she feared might make everything worse.</p><p>"Stop," she repeats, reaching out. He stiffens at her touch, but he lets her gently pull the mask from his head. Shen tosses it aside, and it dissolves into sparks in midair. Leonardo-Takeo doesn't seem to notice, doesn't do anything except stand there and gaze at nothing.</p><p>The sword falls from his hands and Shen snatches it out of the air. She moves to stand between him and Kitsune, sword held in a ready stance the way she's seen her husband do a hundred times. "Leave us," she whispers.</p><p>Kitsune raises an eyebrow, even as her hands slightly. "What are you going to do?" she asks. "I'm not a monster in the night to be banished. You can't set him free on your own."</p><p>"I know," Shen replies. "But I can show him the way out. And <em>you </em>will not stop me."</p><p>She thrusts the blade at Kitsune's stomach and the fox dissolves at contact, racing towards Shen in a tidal wave of flame. Shen has only a second to brace herself before her soul is engulfed in an immortal's pure burning crushing screaming <em>fury.</em></p><p>It would be enough to kill any mortal woman--except ghosts don't have to worry about little things like mortality. Shen sways, she trembles, she shrieks at the sight of one terrible image after another--but she does not fall.</p><p>And then Kitsune is gone, banished to another corner of the astral plane, at least for now. And the void is changing around them, the shape of the garden that Shen built for herself emerging out of nothing.</p><p>Leonardo--Takeo--looks around, blinking. He's not wearing Foot gear anymore, although there's still something blank and lost in his eyes. Kitsune was right: Shen may have won the battle, but Takeo's mind is still in pieces. It will take a lot of care and patience to put them back together, to show him the light.</p><p>"Mother...?" he asks, peering up at her. "I don't--my head hurts. Was there a....fight?"</p><p>"There was, but it's over for now," Shen reassures him, taking his hand.</p><p>She considers telling him that Kitsune is lying, that his brothers are still alive, but she doesn't want to risk scaring him off. "Would you like to walk to me?" she asks instead.</p><p>"Okay," Takeo mumbles, glancing around. "It's pretty," he says thoughtfully, brushing his hand across the leaves of a bush.</p><p>"It is," Shen agrees, leading him up the path, towards one of her favorite trees. "I love this garden. A delight to the eyes and the nose, is it not?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Snowfall</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They found him again.</p><p>He shouldn't be surprised.</p><p>Leo draws his swords as the Footbots slink out of the shadows, eyes glittering bright and hungry. He can feel Shredder's eyes peering down on him for above, icy and relentless as the snow. The wind howls in his ears, a dull constant roar. His blades shake in his hands, and he tells himself it's just the cold.</p><p>He lunges before they've even reached for their weapons, aiming a mighty blow at the biggest one's head. Another bot tackles him out of the way--<em>weird, are they malfunctioning?--</em>and then there are chains wrapped around one of Leo's blades. It moves fast, faster than most of the other Footbots, and the sword is tugged free before Leo can get a good grip, tearing his fingers.</p><p>No matter. Leo dashes at the bot while it's flinging his sword away and raises the other one overhead, ready to take it down in one swift stroke. Then something kicks him in the stomach--<em>blindsided again, fucking moron--</em>sending him flying.</p><p>He lands hard, letting out a cry as the impact reverberates through his bad knee. But then he forces himself up, because that what he does--<em>even if it doesn't matter in the end--</em>and charges the Bot. It's wielding a pair of sai, and their blades clash once, twice, three before Leo lands a decent cut across its chest. It staggers backward, and Leo's about to cut it in half completely when the third one's staff slams into his hand, sending the sword tumbling from numb fingers.</p><p><em>Shit shit shit.</em> Leo backs away from then, the snow leaving mocking little kisses on his skin. He <em>failed, </em>he screwed up even worse than last time, and he has to get over of here, <em>now.</em></p><p>He throws a knife at the nearest bot and it twists away--<em>are these new models? I'll have to tell Donnie--</em>but Leo's already charging through the gap it left. He whirls his swords around his head, hearing the familiar <em>whoosh </em>and <em>snap</em> of arrows breaking in midair. Then he's dashing out of the alley and up onto the roofs, gone.</p><p>But not free--he can hear Shredder roaring orders behind him, hearing the whine of approaching bots and the bark of TIger Claw's pistol. He needs to get away from them, needs to lead them away from the others. He needs to <em>run.</em></p><p> </p><p>"SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT!"</p><p>"I don't understand--the weatherman said there wouldn't be snow for another hour, I thought--"</p><p>"Fuck the weatherman and fuck you, Donnie! MIKEY! Stop sniveling and get after him!"</p><p>"Mikey's already gone--and hold <em>still, </em>okay? You're only making it worse."</p><p>"It's just a <em>cut</em>, asshole. Gimme a bandaid and move your ass!"</p><p> </p><p>Tiger Claw's hard on his heels, his breath stinging the back of Leo's neck <strike>the way Shredder's did. </strike> He's saying something, but Leo can't hear it over the snow.</p><p> </p><p>"LEO! Leo, stop! It's me, dude, it's Mikey! It's okay, you're safe...."</p><p> </p><p>Leo's nearing a rooftop's edge when he spins and grabs Tiger Claw by the paw, flipping him over the edge--<em>why is he so light?</em>--into a dumpster. He keeps running, teeth chattering as blood dries on his fingers.</p><p> </p><p>"Mikey?"</p><p>"<em>Ummf, </em>he flipped me...I'm sorry."</p><p>"Fuck, I'm calling the cheese phone. You two get Casey and April."</p><p> </p><p>There are eyes on him, eyes everywhere. He can see them crawling out of the shadows, can feel metal claws rushing past his feet and arrows whizzing endlessly over his head. He is so, so <em>cold</em> and his leg hurts<em> so </em>bad</p><p>Breathe. Focus. Think. He needs to find a good hiding place, a way to wait out the hunt or at least ambush his pursuers. Only there's snow <em>everywhere </em>and everything's melting into grey and white and he can't see a thing and....fucking <em>focus.</em></p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Do--"</p><p>"Leo had a panic attack when the snow started and now he's running around in the middle of one of the worst flashbacks I've ever seen and we have no idea where he is and he's attacking anything that moves."</p><p>"....shit."</p><p>"Exactly."<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Leo's hiding behind a chimney, taking deep, slow breaths. He can hear voices in the distance, slowly drawing near. He draws knives from the folds of his wrappings and holds them tight, plotting out cuts and stabs in his mind.</p><p>He can the low, rumbling voice of <em>him</em>, the monster from his nightmares, the one that shattered his world and said <em>scream for me, you little bitch. </em> Claws scraping, armor rustling, a voice that almost <em>slithers </em>into your ear. The Shredder could be quiet if he wants to, but he doesn't want to.</p><p>He wants a fight, and Leo is happy to give him one.</p><p> </p><p>"Why the fuck didn't I put a tracker on him? What the fuck is wrong with me?"</p><p>"Donnie, calm down, you couldn't have known--"</p><p>"Of course I could have, I could have researched more, I could have--SHIT!"</p><p>
  <em>Clang! Scrape! Screech!</em>
</p><p>"Leo, Leo, stop, <em>stop</em>, calm down, it's us, just <em>breathe--"</em></p><p>"Boys, drop your weapons!"</p><p> </p><p>They've stopped fighting, they're backing away, and at first he can't understand why. Then the Shredder looms out of the shadows, claws raised and gleaming, and Leo gets it. He wants the honor of the killing blow, just like last time.</p><p>The Shredder's lips are moving, but Leo can't hear anything over the wind and his own roar of terror and fury. He flings the remaining knife with everything he has.</p><p> </p><p>"AARGH!"</p><p>"FATHER!"</p><p> </p><p>One of them tackles him and then they're following him over the side, down into the dark. Leo hears his arm crack as he hits the ground and lets out a piercing shriek.</p><p>He's up in an instant, running as fast as he can, panting as he frantically recites the healing mantra. He can hardly see for all the snow, but ahead he thinks he can make out...</p><p> </p><p>"He's heading for the river!"</p><p> </p><p>It's a risk, he knows it's a risk, but the monsters are all at his heels now and if he turns he'll be broken all over again. Only this time they won't give him even a chance at survival; they'll just kill him, slowly and painfully. And then there'll be no one to stop them from killing everyone he loves.</p><p>So he slides from the bank to the ice, feet light and quick. They wouldn't dare follow across the river, certainly the demon won't in his heavy metal armor. He's lighter than all of them, he can make it, he can survive. He <em>will</em> survive.</p><p> </p><p>"LEO! Get the fuck back here!"</p><p>"Raph, wait!"</p><p> </p><p>The demon's breath is on his skin; the beast is coming to eat him up. Shredder is following him, of <em>course </em>Shredder is following him, Shredder will follow him to the ends of the earth.</p><p>The mantra's not working, not when he's terrified and cold and exhausted and struggling to draw in breaths. His arm jounces painfully with every step, but Leo keeps running because he knows, oh how knows that the Shredder can hurt him so much worse.</p><p>The ice cracks beneath his feet. Wicked claws scrape across his shell, and Leo uses the last of his strength to hold back a whimper.</p><p> </p><p>"STOP YOU FUCKING MORON!"</p><p> </p><p>The ice opens into a vicious grey maw, and Leo is swallowed by the Hudson for the second time in his life.</p><p>The snow follows him all the way down.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>SPLASH!</em>
</p><p>"FUCK!"</p><p>
  <em>SPLASH!</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Screeeeech!</em>
</p><p>"Jesus <em>Christ..."</em></p><p>"Give us your jackets, both of you. We must get them warm."</p><p>"D-d-d-d-dumb f-f-f-uc-king b-ba-bas-t-tard f-f-fell I-i-i-in d-d-d-da ri-ri-riv-riv-er. H-h-had t-t-t-ta f-f-fish 'i-im o-out."</p><p>"April, turn on the car heaters. Casey, help me with Leo. Splinter, come here, I'm going to need your body heat."</p><p>"He'll, he'll be okay, right? He'll remember us?"</p><p>"He will. He's <em>got </em>to."</p><p>"Please be okay, Leo. <em>Please."</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Leo wakes up and for a second he thinks he's dead. There's bright white lights everywhere and he feels very warm and soft. He glances around curiously, wondering if he'll meet Tang Shen or God or something.</p><p>Then he refocuses enough to see the cast, and the IV, and the glinting lines of the heating blankets. He can see Raph sitting besides him, snoozing in a chair under his own blanket.</p><p>Leo frowns at the sight of the taped-up cut on his brother's chest. He was <em>alone </em>when he was ambushed, right? Did his brother get that fighting off the Foot soldiers? But...but how could his family have possibly fought off <em>Shredder</em> and still gotten Leo out of the river in time?</p><p>Unless...</p><p>Unless.</p><p>It takes a while to put the pieces back together, to reach into his memory and peel away the ugly fantasy so he can find an uglier reality beneath it.</p><p>Raph doesn't wake up until Leo starts to cry.</p><p> </p><p>"Why...why didn't you let me die?"</p><p>"Why the fuck would you say stupid shit like that?"</p><p>"I...you almost <em>died</em> because of me, Raph."</p><p>"But I <em>didn't</em>, dipshit, so stop bitching and drink your soup."</p><p>"I'm a <em>monster</em>. I hurt you. I-I hurt <em>Sensei."</em></p><p>"Donatello did an excellent job of repairing my shoulder and stitching up your brother's cut. We know that you did not mean it."</p><p>"I'm <em>crazy</em>. I'm <em>broken. </em>I...I'm going to have to <em>leave."</em></p><p>"Did I give you too many painkillers? You're not going <em>anywhere</em>, Leo. There's no shame in having a PTSD episode; now that we're sure snow is one of your triggers, we'll be extra careful next time."</p><p>"And we <em>definitely</em> won't let any stupid cunts on the Weather Channel make our plans for us."</p><p>"Language, Raphael."</p><p>"Sor--ree."</p><p>"You...you're really not scared of me? You should be terrified<em>."</em></p><p>"We'd never be scared of you, big bro."</p><p>"All that matters to us is that you are safe, and you <em>are</em> safe, even if you are sometimes made to forget it."</p><p>"But what if it happens again?"</p><p>"Then we'll deal with it, like we deal with all the other shi--<em>stuff, </em>I said stuff."</p><p>"Now, come on, April's setting up <em>Space Heroes</em> in the Pit. We're gonna watch the one where they all get super high."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Tree</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Their Christmas celebrations usually came a few weeks after everyone else's, when all the trees and wrapping paper had been relegated to the dump. Sensei would bring home one of the smaller trees, and they'd decorate it with tinfoil streamers, shreds of paper, lights with only a few bulbs out, and particularly pretty garbage.</p><p>They'd live their gifts piled under the tree: drawings or poems or bits of scavenged treasure. Then they would watch <em>A Charlie Brown Christmas </em>and Sensei would have them all pray for the souls of his father, Miwa, and Tang Shen. They went to bed piled in a heap, the way they always did during cold months, whispering about what presents they would get before finally drifting off to sleep.</p><p>That was what Mikey told Casey when the other boy found him sobbing under a kitchen table a few weeks into Leo's coma. "It....it's stupid," he sniffled, snot running down his face. "But it's just...after everything...I <em>hate</em> losing that, too."</p><p>Casey may not have been Leo, but he was still a big brother (and he'd learned more about losing things in the past weeks than he'd thought he'd discover in a lifetime). So he cuddled Mikey to his chest and stroked his head, telling him that he wasn't stupid in the least.</p><p>And then he came up with a plan.</p><p>They set out the next morning while everybody else was asleep, loaded down with a buzzsaw, ropes, snacks, and a few energy drinks. Mikey was bundled up in some of Mr. O'Neil's winter clothes, with duct tape and belts to hold it all in place. They left a note saying: <strong>Gone to get tree for Christmas 2.0.</strong></p><p>As they walked, Casey told Mikey stories about his father and sister, and Mikey racked his brain for embarrassing stories about Raph. "I <em>know </em>you have a crush on him," he teased, even as Casey repeated his denial. "You flirt with April, but you're always looking at <em>him."</em> Casey threw a snowball at his head and Mikey ran off giggling.</p><p>The first pine tree they found they was far too big, and so was the second one. The next three were too small, and they spent some time squabbling over what constituted a proper size for a tree. Then Mikey's eyes fell on what he <em>knew</em> was the perfect tree, cutting him off mid-sentence, and even before Casey turned around he knew that he would agree to bring it home.</p><p>They quickly discovered that cutting down a tree is harder than it looks. They kept having to stop to pick splinters out of their skin, and Casey ended up drowning half the energy drinks just to "power through." Then they misjudged where they judged which way the tree would fall and Mikey had to tackle Casey out of the way, nearly decapitating them both with the chainsaw in the process.</p><p>For a moment they just lay there, panting. Then Casey threw his head back and let out a shriek of pure joy, voice ringing through the trees and up into the cold grey sky. Mikey joined in, and they yipped and howled like wolves, shaking with the pure joy of being alive.</p><p>Then they lashed ropes around the tree, Mikey knotting them in place with the same and skill he showed with his chucks. Next came the long slog home, where they consumed the rest of the energy drinks and sang to keep each other's spirit's up. Mikey did a pretty good "Chandelier," and Casey responded with "A Sky Full of Stars," not realizing until he was done that he probably could have sung something a lot more macho.</p><p>They took plenty of breaks along the way, of course, sitting in the snow and chatting as their breaths puffed into the air. The farther they walked, the harder it got to keep the conversation on light topics.</p><p>"I just...I tried so <em>hard</em> to find them," Casey admitted once, staring at his gloved hands. "I looked and looked, and it was so fucking crazy...and I wonder if I could have found them if I didn't have Leo slowing me down...and then I hate myself for that." He ran his hands through his hair. "And I don't know if they're suffering, if they're unconscious like Leo, if the Kraang mutated them or <em>what</em>, if they're d--gone." He sighed. "It's...."</p><p>"Torture," Mikey finished, not looking at him. "When I was in Dimension X, I didn't...I didn't know if the others were <em>dead</em> or or just didn't <em>care</em>, and I honestly didn't know which was worse..." Then he turns, forcing hope back into his eyes. "But I got back to them. And they were <em>okay</em>, and they <em>hadn't </em>forgotten me."</p><p>He leaned forward, pulling Casey into a hug. "They're going to be okay," he whispered firmly. "You're gonna get back to your family, and Leo's gonna get back to us, just like I got back. Everything gonna's be <em>great.</em> You believe me?"</p><p>"I do," Casey said, and hoped that wasn't a lie.</p><p>"Good. Now let's get back to work."</p><p>It was getting dark by the time they finally approached the farmhouse. Donnie and April saw them coming and rushed out to help, although Donnie also took the opportunity to lecture them nonstop about how <em>we were worried </em>and <em>you could have been seen</em> and you <em>two better not have gotten colds I've got enough on my plate already.</em></p><p>"Bite me, Slenderman," Casey muttered as they shoved the tree through the door.</p><p>"Oh, what a truly <em>erudite</em> comeback, I've never heard <em>that</em> before..."</p><p>In the end, there were pine needles all over the place and Donnie had had to saw off a few branches, but there was a <em>tree</em> and it was <em>theirs </em>and Casey and Mikey felt they could quite rightfully be termed heroes of the hour. April gave them both hugs as they warmed up by the fire, and then gave Donnie a hug in order to cut him off mid-lecture.</p><p>"But you two are definitely grounded," she tossed over her shoulder as she headed up to the attic on a hunt for lights and ornaments. "I'm just going to wait until tomorrow to yell."</p><p>Raph refused to leave Leo alone until Casey promised him a bottle of Mr. O'Neil's booze, and even then Mikey had to practically drag him downstairs. "Why the fuck are we making such a big fuss about a guy who's gonna die next year anyway?" he muttered.</p><p>"And comes back as a zombie," Mikey reminded him. "Don't forget the zombie part, the zombies are <em>sick."</em></p><p>Donnie smacked his forehead. "That is not even remotely--you know what? Never mind."</p><p>They played carols and made a fire as they decorated the tree, piling on far too many ornaments and tinsel until it was almost sagging. "It's so <em>pretty,"</em> Mikey said, eyes sparkling in the reflected light.</p><p>Mikey set up the creche, making the shepherds kiss while giving Raph and Casey significant looks. They ignored him, concentrating on trying to share a bottle of whiskey behind April and Donnie's backs (they only got in a few sips before they were caught).</p><p>They weren't exactly prepared for a Christmas dinner, but April and Donnie did their best, while Raph and Casey sulked about the confiscated beer. Meanwhile, Mikey had snuck upstairs to decorate Leo's room with more Christmas decorations, so in case he woke up he'd been greeted by a ton of sparkles.</p><p>As they ate, they shared stories about Christmases in the past. April told them about how she'd once almost knocked the tree over putting on the star when she was little, and disaster had only been averted by her aunt's quick reflexes. Casey told them about the time he'd accidentally set the Christmas tree on fire while messing with the lights and had had to throw it out the window. "The yard was empty!" he said to everyone's horrified expressions.</p><p>Mikey told the others what he'd told Casey about his family's Christmas traditions. Donnie grudgingly admitting that there was a time when they'd all believed that <em>Alvin and the Chipmunks</em> was based on reality, and had been extremely disappointed to learn that chipmunks were neither capable of speech nor musically inclined. Raph brought up the time that Mikey had gotten tangled in Christmas lights, face going sad as he remembered how careful and gentle Splinter and Leo had been fishing him out.</p><p>"Once there was a really bad storm, and Splinter couldn't get any trees from the dump," Mikey said. "So he decorated himself in our old garlands and pinned some pretty paper to his robes and told us he'd be the tree for the day. He did lessons like that and everything." Everyone giggled at the idea or the memory of that, their laughter flickering as bright and fierce as the fire.</p><p>After dinner, they gathered around the TV and watched <em>A Charlie Brown Christmas</em>. Mikey started singing along with "Hark, The Harold Angels Sing" at the end, and everyone else found themselves joining in. They sounded absolutely terrible, and they loved it.</p><p>Casey fell asleep during <em>It's Christmas Again, Charlie Brown</em>, and when it was over April tucked a blanket over him before shuffling upstairs, yawning. When Raph went to join Leo in the bathroom, he was nonplussed by all the decorations, and even more nonplussed when Mikey and Donnie followed him in, dragging blankets.</p><p>"I'm sorry we don't have presents," Donnie muttered as they piled on the floor.</p><p>"You guys are my presents," Mikey said firmly, giving them each a kiss on the cheek.</p><p>"That's so fucking corny," Raph muttered, tugging him close.</p><p>They lay curled up there, talking about their day as the fire died downstairs, before finally following their eldest brother off into dreamland.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Underwater</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Set during IDW TMNT #31.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Leo stands by the side of the river, looking down at a blue mask and wondering if he should hang himself with it. It flutters in the breeze, waggling like a taunting wave.</p><p>It's not his old mask; that one was burned by Kitsune before his unprotesting eyes. He pictures his father making this new one, cutting the holes with love and care, absolutely certain that things could be fixed so easily. Leo has thought many things about his father, but he's never considered him naive before.</p><p>He plops down with a sigh and swings the pack he stole from the O'Neill farmhouse off his shoulder. He can hear Raph and Alopex sparring in the distance--their voices ring through the trees, flirtatious and carefree. Things have apparently done quite a 180 since twelve hours ago, when Raph tried to put a knife through her throat.</p><p><em>You're one to talk about 180s, </em>he thinks morosely.</p><p>The voices start to die down, and then Raph's drifts off completely. Leo turns his head and isn't surprised to see Alopex slink out of the trees, her paws soundless on the grass.</p><p>"Hey," she says, sitting down besides him.</p><p>"Hey." Leo stares down at their warped reflections in the river, not able to meet her eyes.</p><p>"You...um...got your swords back," she says, waving an awkward hand.</p><p>"Yeah." They'd been certain enough that he was coming back that they'd been carrying Musashi and Kamiizumi in the van with them when they fled the city. Donnie had given them to him, with the same desperate hope in his eyes, like the sword was a key in the lock to bring back his old brother.</p><p>Leo hadn't had the heart to tell him that his old brother was dead. And he didn't have to courage to take off the black wrappings in front of him, or at all, really. Not until his bruises from training <strike>and worse things than training</strike> with Saki had faded.</p><p>"Speaking of people who are no longer considered safety risks," he says, "I heard you burying the hatchet with Raph."</p><p>"Maybe," Alopex replies, looking down in a way that would probably be accompanied with a blush if it weren't for all the fur.</p><p>"Did you think about him when Shredder made us fuck?"</p><p>Leo doesn't mean to say the words, and he immediately wants to snatch them back. He doesn't want to talk about that, he doesn't want to <em>think</em> about that, he wants to erase it from existence. He wants to take a sharp knife to the recent past and slice all the rotten bits away.</p><p><em>A test of loyalty</em>, Shredder had said. He'd said a lot of things; he'd talked the whole way through, giving them orders and explaining how their bodies were supposed to work with all the passion and care of a human biology teacher. He'd touched himself almost mechanically, his eyes blank and hungry. Alopex had looked so scared, as scared as Leo had felt.</p><p>She doesn't look scared now, although there's something blank and dead in her voice when she says, "Maybe. I was mostly trying to get it over with as quickly as possible." She wrings her hands. "I....I'm so sorry, Leo."</p><p>"Thanks. That makes everything better." The words make her flinch, but right now Leo doesn't care. He knows Shredder would have probably made Leo force her, or held her down himself if she resisted, and killed her afterwards, but... He was brainwashed. She wasn't..</p><p>"I should have left before it ever got to that," she says, saying what they're both thinking. "I should have told you that your family was still alive. I...I <em>knew</em> there was something really wrong with you, when you first joined us, and I didn't do anything. I was waiting for a chance to get back at Shredder for burning my old forest and then...." She rubs her paws over her eyes. "I couldn't wait anymore."</p><p>Her eyes are glittering, but Leo can't tell if it's the sunlight reflecting off the water or not. "I wanted to thank you. For sticking up for me even after...you know. It was pretty shitty of Raph to go after you for it."</p><p>Leo winces at the memory of scrabbling with his brother in the dirt like an animal. "Well, they already thought I was crazy," he says. "Besides, you saved our lives. You deserved better than what you got."</p><p>"They don't think you're crazy," Alopex says firmly.</p><p>"Well, I <em>feel </em>crazy," he replies.  "I thought they were <em>dead</em> for the past two weeks, you know that? I wanted to <em>kill</em> my father...I actually fantasized about killing him. I couldn't recognize my <em>own brothers.</em> What does that say about me?"</p><p>"That you can recognize them now," Alopex points out.</p><p>"I suppose." Leo checks under his nails--he <em>thinks</em> he scrubbed all the blood out in the river last night, but he can't be sure. "You know why I left Shredder? How I came back to myself? Raph yelling a bunch of crazy shit and my mother's ghost."</p><p>Alopex cocks her head. "Your mother? Oh...right, from being reincarnated. Shredder mentioned something about that, but I guess I always assumed she...you know, came with."</p><p>"She didn't," Leo says quietly. "But I've been seeing her anyway. She's been <em>talking to </em>me. Donnie believes me, and Splinter says he's seen her, too--so either I really see dead people or insanity is just hereditary."</p><p>"Well, <em>I </em>don't think you're crazy," Alopex says, and Leo decides not to discuss the fact that her character-judging skills are maybe not the most honed in the world.</p><p>Instead he says, "I'm sorry about what Shredder did. Burning the forest, I mean."</p><p>Alopex shrugs. "It's weird. I mean, I doubt my old family would have recognized me, but still--they were <em>mine.</em> And now, I can go for twenty minutes or half an hour without even thinking about them, and then all of a sudden..."</p><p>"You're being stabbed in the back with a burning knife," Leo says. He remembers that, remembers have to prick himself with knives or punch his fists bloody just to keep the tears away, refusing to cry in front of Karai.</p><p>Knowing they were alive is one of the greatest reliefs he's ever felt. He doubts Alopex will get the same luxury; he doesn't know how she'll bear that.</p><p>For a few minutes they just sit there, staring at the water, and then another ugly question swims out of Leo's throat. "What we did...for him...was that your first time?"</p><p>She shakes her head. "I did it a few times with Karai. She made it very clear it was purely physical, which is good because I knew from the start that she's a total bitch."</p><p>The next question feels like broken glass as it tears out of Leo's throat: "So...he never....besides that?"</p><p>"God, no," Alopex says, shaking her head. "I would have left a lot earlier if that was case. I think the fur turned him off. Some of the other guys made suggestions or tried shit, but I always..." Her voice trails off as her eyes darken, realizing what he just said. "Leo?"</p><p>Leo looks at his reflection, and the face of a drowning boy looks back. "He'd call me to his room for...lessons. Quick and dirty things. Kitsune wasn't there; I don't know if she was off doing mushrooms or what." His hands fist on his thighs. "It must have turned him on so much, seeing the son of his greatest enemy on his knees, spreading his legs. Being <em>obedient. </em>Being <em>loyal."</em> He spits the words 'loyal' and 'obedient' like the dirty things they are.</p><p>"Oh, Leo," Alopex breathes.</p><p>"Do you want to know something terrible?" he asks. "I was <em>happy </em>to do it. I felt so fucking <em>proud </em>of myself whenever I made him come, or even when I made <em>you </em>come for him. I didn't want to <em>do</em> it, not exactly, but I wanted to please him, so does that mean I really did want to do it?"</p><p>"It doesn't," Alopex says firmly. "You weren't in your right mind, Leo. Kitsune <em>made</em> you obey."</p><p>He shrugs. "I just--it wasn't all out of fear of being punished. I wanted to make him happy, too, show him how grateful I was to be saved from the big bad rat. Afterwards he'd hold me and tell me how proud he was, and it felt like coming <em>home</em>. And then he'd send me to the next training session or killing spree, and I'd grit my teeth through the soreness and tell myself I was a good <em>chunin.</em> Isn't that fucking <em>sick?"</em></p><p>Alopex doesn't answer, because there are no words.</p><p>Leo brushes the water with a toe, watching his face fracture and shatter. "I don't think Karai knew. She would have mocked me about it, but she always just jealous. Or maybe she knew <em>exactly </em>what was going on and she was <em>still</em> jealous. I don't fucking know anymore."</p><p>He laughs, high and hysterical. "When Splinter gave me my mask back, he was going on about how proud he was that I didn't 'draw blood' for the Foot, and I'm standing there with the taste of Saki's <em>cum</em> still in my mouth trying not to scream <em>Of course I fucking drew blood for him and I wish it was the only thing I did."</em></p><p>His reflection dissolves into a wild mishmash of faces, of all the men Leo killed on Shredder's orders: some chopped up in the heat of battle, others executed in cold blood. "I don't remember them all," he admits honestly. "I've always been shitty with human faces. I look back and I can barely tell them <em>apart</em>."</p><p>"Me neither," Alopex says quietly.</p><p>"I butchered people for him, and then he took me ho--back to headquarters--and showed me how to clean off the blood and fucked me in the shower, and we <em>both came,"</em> Leo says. "And now I have to go back to <em>normal</em>, be the good son and big brother again, even though I want to peel off my own skin with my teeth."</p><p>He's crying now, and so is Alopex, tears trickling down both their faces to splash in the dancing water.</p><p>"The absolute worst part..." Leo sniffles and clears his throat, forcing himself to say this because if he lets it bounce around in his own head forever he'll go even crazier than he already is. "The worst part is that I really don't remember feeling all that <em>different </em>about him than I did about Splinter, fucking and killing aside. I wanted to be the best, I wanted to <em>obey, </em>I wanted to do whatever was good for the clan, whatever it took to make the master <em>happy..."</em></p><p>Leo nods. "And then I wonder..." He rubs a line of snot away with his hand. "If it was <em>Splinter</em> who wanted me to fuck him and kill for him, if there wasn't a witch at all, if I spent my whole <em>life </em>thinking it was <em>normal...."</em> He shrugs.</p><p>"Obedience to the pack," Alopex says, gesturing to her head. "It's hardwired into us."</p><p>"And we get fucked over by it," Leo says. "We get fucked over <em>for good."</em></p><p>He hugs himself; he'd like to hug Alopex, but then he'd probably get transported back to Shredder's bedroom, and he's left enough of himself there as it is.</p><p>So they just sit together and sob in the bright sunlight like the broken children they are, drowning in their ugly memories, weeping for themselves and each other.</p><p>Eventually, they both cry themselves out, at least for now. Alopex leans forward to scrub the tearstains off her face, droplets sparkling on her fur.</p><p>"What do we do now?" Leo asks, still not looking at her.</p><p>She shrugs. "Find a new pack, I guess. Your family...they may fuck things up at times, but I think they actually <em>want</em> us. After everything."</p><p><em>They shouldn't,</em> Leo thinks, but does not say. He's sapped himself dry of both tears and the need for ugly conversations.</p><p>"Maybe," he says, looking up at her for the first time. "I...I'm sorry for dumping all this on you."</p><p>"It's okay," she says. She glances over her shoulder. "Do you...do you want to come back to the farmhouse with me?"</p><p>"Maybe later," Leo says. "I...kinda want to be alone right now. Try to meditate, maybe."</p><p>"You sure?" she asks.</p><p>"I'm sure," he says. "I'm not going to try anything, if that's what you're thinking. Thanks for looking after me last night, by the way." She glances down, looking embarrassed.</p><p>(Leo had known she was there, but had been too busy trying to reach his mother to care. His mother, who claimed that he had a new path ahead of him, but hadn't given him any advice on how to walk that path with pieces of his soul scooped out of his body)</p><p>"You're welcome," she mutters, getting to her feet. "I...I mean, life sucks a total dick, and we're going to have to Shredder burn in hell, but...I want to help you, Leo, the way you've helped me. And I think your family can help you, too, even if you never tell them the full story."</p><p>"I hope so," Leo says, looking back into the water. He hopes so, he really does...but he's not sure how much faith he should place in that hope.</p><p>He's not the one who believes in miracles anymore.</p><p>He watches Alopex walk away, her white fur flickering into the trees. Then it's just him and his own ugly, crazy reflection.</p><p>Leo closes his eyes and takes a deep, slow breath. He carefully folds his mask on the bank besides him.</p><p>Then he picks up the pack he took from the O'Neil's and starts collecting rocks.</p><p>He doesn't think too hard about what he's doing. It's not like there's any other option, is there? He was weak, he let his own mind be turned against him, he was swayed by a fantasy, and as a result he was defiled in every sense of the word. He's a liability now, a black mark on their name.</p><p>After everything he's done to them, after he managed to <em>attack</em> them while simultaneously <em>mourning</em> them, after he ignored everything Father ever taught him, after he got on his back for the man who literally killed them...he can do this. He can set them free. He can make sure he's never driven to betray them again.</p><p>His hands shake as he works, which is ridiculous because this is the <em>right </em>thing to do. He <em>knows </em>it is.</p><p>
  <em>(Just like killing those men was the right thing, and sucking Saki's cock was the right thing, and--)</em>
</p><p>Enough. He's going to prevent himself from ever making such a mistake again. And he's going to erase the ghost of Saki's fingers crawling across his skin, the hiss of Kitsune's voice in his head, the taste of cum he can't wash out no matter how hard he's tried.</p><p>This body, this mind, have been violated and been proven defective. He should be happy to leave them behind.</p><p>He wonders if he'll be allowed to stay with Mother in the afterlife, if he's not sent directly to hell for his sins. He hopes she's not mad at him for this. Is this the different path she mentioned?</p><p>He'll find out in a few minutes.</p><p>When the packs groaning under the weight, he slings it over his shoulder, wincing a little. He leaves the mask on the rock, the closest thing he can come to a suicide note.</p><p>He really, really hopes Alopex won't blame herself for what happened to him. And he hopes his family won't feel too sad, or disappointed that all the time and effort they put into rescuing him came to nothing. With any luck, they'll all be so pissed at him for leaving--that and his many other fuckups--that they won't have time to grieve and feel guilty.</p><p>Leo's sure they can take care of themselves. They did well enough while he was gone, after all.</p><p>He walks into the water, letting it slowly rise towards its neck. He finds himself taking a deep breath on instinct right before the river swallows him up, pulling him down into the blue.</p><p>Leo sinks down, down, down, shivering as the cold water rushes over his skin. His shell and pack bump against the muddy river floor and he lies faceup, staring at the layers of water and sky. It's really quite pretty, all soft silvers and blues.</p><p>Quiet, too, except for the faint hum of water in his ears. He wonders if this what being in the grave is like, with the sound of water replaced by the wriggling of worms.</p><p><em>Open your mouth and find out</em>, he tells himself. But his jaw stays firmly locked.</p><p><em>Stop fucking around and get it over with</em>, he tells himself firmly. No more pain, no more humiliation, no more guilt, no more hands running whisper-soft over his body that he can feel all the way down here. He can make it <em>stop</em>, he can <em>end </em>this, why shouldn't he?</p><p>He shoves away the fear and opens his lips ever so slightly, letting the first bubbles of air dribble out.</p><p>And then a massive shadow swoops over the river, something with huge wings and glinting metal claws. Leo frowns--is it an angel, a demon, a.... He squints, and realizes that the wings are bird's wings. <em>Hawk's</em> wings.</p><p><em>Koya.</em> It has to be.</p><p>Last time he saw her, she was just another one of the Shredder's pets, a dark little bird on his arm. But the Foot had a mutant deficit to fill now, didn't they?</p><p>Leo's mouth twitches open with a gasp and than the water is rushing down his throat, just as his body fills with hot desperate burning <em>panic.</em></p><p>In an instant, she's gone, and Leo's unslinging the pack from his shoulders, hurtling up and up as the water blazes inside him. He collapses onto the bank, shaking and vomiting, and he won't realize until later that he's burned the taste of cum out of his mouth in the process.</p><p>His hands scrabble along the bank, tangling in the mask, and he takes it with because he needs to convince his family that he's <em>not </em>crazy when he goes to warn them about the giant bird hunting them down, and the mask is as good a proof as any.</p><p>Only it won't just <em>be</em> a warning, will it? It'll be a fight against this poor stupid bird who no doubt worships Shredder the way he and Alopex did, which means there'll be no talking her back unless she has some convenient dead relatives lying round. Leo's mind is racing with the implications as he runs, faster than his feet.</p><p>He'll fight, and then he'll follow his family home, and then his chances for killing himself will shrink significantly because he'll be so distracted trying to keep them alive, keep the forces that destroyed him from destroying them. Maybe his family can <em>survive</em> without him, at least for a while, but they'll need every blade they've got to <em>win</em> against the Shredder, and winning is the only true survival.</p><p>Leaving them isn't an <em>option,</em> isn't it? It doesn't matter what baggage he brings with, it doesn't matter whether he wants to kill himself--does he want to kill himself? He honestly doesn't know anymore--they <em>need</em> him. He was foolish to think otherwise, to think that there was ever a world safe enough for him to abandon his brothers.</p><p>So he ties the mask around his broken, crazy head as he runs. He leaves the whispers and the touches behind him, at least for now, driven away by the fierce roar of adrenaline. In the distance he can hear screaming and crashes and the clang of weapons, hear the desperation in his family's voices.</p><p>He won't be their old brother, no matter how they think otherwise. He'll have scars, deep oozing ones, and there may or may not be a day when they find out the true natures of them. And he'll never able to force himself into being Splinter's obedient son, not ever again.</p><p>But he can be their protector, he can use the lessons of strategy and ferocity he learned from Shredder, he can keep what happened to him from happening ever again. He hopes that will be enough.</p><p>Leo draws the swords as he approaches the shattered ruin of the barn. He's done terrible things with swords in the recent past, but not with these one, and he hopes that's enough not to trigger another flashback. He takes a breath, lets the cold clarity of the <em>chunin</em> slip back over him</p><p>Koya is standing over his father when he arrives, claws gleaming cold and hungry. "Are you prepared for the slaughter?" she asks, her voice sounding so like Shredder's it makes Leo's gut boil.</p><p>"That's fine, bird..." he says, forcing his voice not to shake. All eyes shift to him--all eyes except for Raph and Alopex, and he really hopes their fragile relationship isn't in the middle of crumbling right now. "....I was gonna ask you the same thing."</p><p>His brother's eyes are full of hope and joy at the sight of him, and Leo hopes that it isn't misplaced; hopes that he won't let himself become a butcher or a failure again. He truly doesn't know; all he knows is that he has no choice, but to try.</p><p>He raises his sword. "Back away. Now." His voice is icy sharp, one that brooks no rebellion, although he knows Koya won't listen to him anyway.</p><p>And so the battle begins all over again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Void</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The shaking starts soon after she gets home.</p><p>April lies curled in a ball, staring at nothing, Donnie's disintegration playing over and over again in her head on an endless loop. Za-Naron's words ring in her head, loud loud loud, telling her that <em>you're nothing without me, </em><em>just a weak little girl who always needs to be saved. </em>Saying<em> they deserve it, they deserve worse, burn this whole filthy world down to the ground and start anew.</em></p><p>She tells herself that Za-Naron's dead, gone, killed at her hand. She tells herself that Donnie's okay, that she didn't kill anyone, that's she come back to herself. She tells herself so many things, and none of them help her forget the sensation of a living being disintegrating at her touch. That <em>rush</em>, that sense of control<em>, </em>so wonderful and awful.</p><p>Donnie didn't have time to scream. But his brothers did, and every time she remembers their horror and grief she has to run to the bathroom to retch up more nothing.</p><p>She's cold, but there's sweat trickling down her sides. Her hands are spasming open and closed, out of her control. She's shivering so hard, and she pretends that's the reason the bed is rattling.</p><p>Worst of all is the deep crushing <em>need</em> in her, the endless sucking feeling of <em>hollowness</em>. It's like she's swallowed a galaxy, and it's eating her alive alive form the inside out.</p><p>She doesn't miss the crystal. She <em>doesn't. </em>She doesn't feel weak and helpless without it, not at all. It's just a <em>rock, </em>not nearly as important as the people she hurt for it.</p><p>But she feels like she's drowning in her own lungs, anyway. Za-Naron's voice is still ringing in her head, only now April doesn't have a whisper of strength left to keep her away.</p><p>The floorboards crack under her. The world spins. The galaxy is sucking at the inside of the skin, a thousand hungry mouths chewing her down to her nothing. There is a bloody gaping whole in April's psyche, and another in her heart, and neither will ever completely close.</p><p><em>I deserve it,</em> she thinks. She should burn for what she's done.</p><p>The window creaks open and April sits up, the Tessen unsheathing as it flies across the room, stopping an inch from Karai's face. The other girl raises an eyebrow, plucking the fan out of the air. "Seriously, Wanda?"</p><p>"What the fuck are you doing here?" April croaks.</p><p>"Leo called me about what happened," Karai says, hopping into the room. "Told me you looked, quote, 'bad,' and asked me for advice."</p><p>"So we advised him that we'd handle it," Shini says.</p><p>April shakes her head. "You....we're <em>enemies</em>. You've literally tried to kill me on multiple occasions, and Shini and I beat the shit out of each other. You barely know anything about me. Why the hell are you here?"</p><p>"Leo offered me a blowjob if I helped out," Karai says, sprawling on the bed besides her. "And I offered Shini a blowjob if she helped out." April doesn't dignify that with a response.</p><p>"Also, we wanted to welcome you to our club," Shini says, hopping up besides them. She waits long enough that April's finally forced to rasp: "What club?"</p><p>"The We-Beat-Up-The-Turtles-And-They-Still-Love-Us club, of course," Karai replies.</p><p>April laughs harshly, trying and failing to make her hands stop twitching. "I did a bit more than <em>beat</em> <em>them up</em>. Leo told you about Donnie?"</p><p>"Yeah, you raised the dead," Karai says. "Puts you in a pretty specific category, but Leo didn't say anything about them nailing your graven image to a cross."</p><p>April chokes back a laugh--what kind of sick fuck laughs after what she's done? "Fuck you."</p><p>"Not my type, sweetheart," Karai replies. "By the way, how's the withdrawal going?"</p><p>"I'm not in withdrawal," April mutters, rubbing at the sweat creeping down her neck.</p><p>"We do have health classes in Japan, you know," Shini tells her.</p><p>"Besides, I got some first-hand experience after the brain worm," Karai says, sounding like she's discussing the weather or a TV show. "All those sweet little bursts of dopamine and serotonin whenever I made daddy happy..." She shoots a finger gun at her head. "Poof. Gone.</p><p>"'Course, it was days before I figured that out, before I realized why I'd actually <em>want </em>that fucking piece of shit back in my head, and by then I'd almost tossed myself into a cement mixer and given myself <em>these </em>beauties." She rolls up her sleeve, exposing a swirl of fang-shaped bite marks up her wrist.</p><p>April stares. "I...I'm sorry."</p><p>"Don't be," Karai says, not meeting her eyes. "I'm not sorry for you. But I have been where you are, sort of, and if anyone's going chuck you off a building it's gonna be me, O'Neil, not you."</p><p>"So now that we've gotten all the emotional shit out of the way, who's ready to play 'Fuck, Marry, Kill?" Shini says.</p><p>April stares at her. "Are you shitting me?"</p><p>"I've always considered it a foolproof way of judging someone," Shini says loftily. "Not to mention that you probably shouldn't drink booze, we don't know the same card games, and your coordination is undoubtably too fucked up for Mario Kart."</p><p>"So, if you don't play we'll just to raid your kitchen for snacks and do our best to traumatize your dad in the process," Karai says, grinning evilly.</p><p>She's not in a mood for a fight, and she definitely doesn't want to explain these two to her dad, so April lets herself by coaxed into the strangest game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' she's ever experienced:</p><p>"But why would you want to marry <em>Slenderman</em>?"</p><p>"Guy's always got a killer suit no matter how much time he spends running around in the woods, and a crack publicity team. He's got to be loaded, and when Karai kills him I'll get the cash."</p><p>"Exactly."</p><p>Za-Naron's voice roars back into her head over and over again, and ever time the other girls' drown it out. Her hands shake, and one or both girls is always clutching it, bitching about the need for body heat in her freezing room. The hole sucks in on her, the guilt and horror and shameful need, but the others never. Stop. Talking. And when April goes too long without responding,, they just start poking her until she forces herself to speak.</p><p>They keep it up long after the other two start hiding their yawns, until the shaking dies down just enough for April to drift off to sleep.</p><p>She wakes up a few hours later and runs into the bathroom to throw up. She lies on the floor, shaking and clutching her throbbing stomach, staring at the bathroom cabinet and the razors inside. She shouldn't, it would kill her dad, she'd never...but Donnie's blood is on her hands and she <em>wants </em>the very thing that turned her into a monster <em>so</em> badly.</p><p>Shini walks in and sits besides her, rubbing her back. She places a hand on April's belly, muttering something in a language April's pretty sure isn't Japanese, and the pain starts to die down.</p><p>"I had a methamphetamine addiction in the nineties," Shini says after a while, and April blinks at the words. "The girl I loved left me, and I thought if I could handle mushrooms I could handle anything." She half-sighs, half-snickers. "I couldn't, and it took way too long for anybody to even try to tell me otherwise. I would never get desperate enough to sell myself, so I just robbed people instead. That's usually how I get by, to be be honest, except this time I stopped being careful about whether I damaged them--or killed them."</p><p>She weaves her fingers through April's hair, soft and light. "My grandmother eventually tracked me down, dragged me home and spelled the shit out of me, wouldn't let me leave again for a year." She gently turns April's head so that their eyes lock. "I still get...flashes of need, sometimes, but it's so much better than it was."</p><p>April stares. She wants to say 'thank you,' she wants to say 'you don't fucking know I'll be the same,' but all that comes out it is: "How old are you, exactly?" Shini doesn't look a day over seventeen.</p><p>Shini shrugs. "A lot younger than most of the people in my family, and older than some of the people I've known." She glances at the door. "Karai knows a bit more, but not much. If you stick around long enough I'll give you more of my tragic backstory."</p><p>She reaches up and soaks a towel with water, dabbing at April's face with it. "One or both of us will probably be hanging around for a while, so you'd better get used to the 'Mushy Cynics and Lewd Comedians' routine we've got going on. Fair warning, I probably will get bored enough to scare the shit out of your dad at some point, but I have a really good make-up tea recipe."</p><p>Shini runs the towel down April's neck, the sensation cool and soothing. "Once you get a little better we can sneak in some beer, go for a triple hangover. I'm trying to take as many photos of the people I know drunk as possible. Probably won't get anything out of Splinter and the Turtles till Shredder's dead, but you can tide me over 'til then."</p><p>April looks up at her, and mixed in with Shini's calm gaze she can see Donnie's desperate face. "Did you ever...sense anything from my crystal?" she hears herself ask.</p><p>Shini looks down, something dark crawling into her eyes. "I...I sensed a spirit in it, but I assumed it was the ghost of a relative or something, someone who wouldn't hurt you. I made a mistake, and I don't make many mistakes. When I do, it usually have the worst consequences."</p><p>"Is...is that why you and Karai are doing this?" April asks. "Penance?"</p><p>"A bit," Shini admits. "Not just that, though. We've seen so many girls drown....we've <em>been </em>some of those drowning girls. We've had our issues with you, April, but we don't think you deserve to drown."</p><p>"I think I deserve it," April says quietly.</p><p>"Yeah, but you just had your brain fried by a rock monster from space. Take a few months and grow your neurons back, than we'll talk."</p><p>With that, Shini reaches under April and lifts her up, her slender frame unnaturally strong. She carries her to the bed where Karai snores, somehow managing to tuck her in so that they all fold in together comfortably. She strokes April's hair until the shaking dies down enough for her to sleep again.</p><p>April knows that what's happened has left a hole that will never be closed. She still feels lost, monstrous, trapped in the dark, and even if she leaves those feelings behind she'll never completely forget them.</p><p>But at least she won't be alone in the void.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Really, any post-The Power Inside Her fic I could write is a far cry from <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26323954#bookmark-form">killer queen</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxlesstial/pseuds/cxlesstial">cxlesstial</a>, so whether or not you liked this you should definitely check that out.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. White</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Casey Jones stands in front of a bathroom mirror and scrubs paint off his face. It's what he spends his allowance on, black and white paint. He's got little jars of it tucked under his bed, and his sister is always yelling at him to scrub the stains of his "makeup" out of the sink. He'll often find a piece of paint behind his ear or under his chin; if he's really tired he'll end up going to bed wearing that stuff, and on one spectacular day managed to get suspended for wearing it to school.</p><p>There are molten smears of white on his fingers now, like frosting or cum. <em>White knuckles, </em>he thinks, and smiles a little even though the idea isn't very funny.</p><p>His mother had white knuckles a lot of the time. White knuckles as she talked to her therapist on the phone, white knuckles as she tried so hard not to fight with his father and started fighting anyway, white knuckles as she screwed open the bottle of white pills, white knuckles as she paced and shook and muttered to herself.</p><p>White knuckles on that steering wheel that day as she drove too fast, playing the music too loud, while he begged and yelled for her to stop. "It's gonna be okay, baby," she'd said, her eyes blank and hazy, and then for a few seconds the world had disappeared.</p><p>Then been more white after that. White like his teeth, scattered on the unforgiving cement in pools of red. White like shattered bone, jutting out of a broken doll that had taken his mother's place. White like hospital rooms and casts, like the flowers placed on the grave at his mother's funeral.</p><p>He'd stood before the crowd and told them that while Mom had been batshit insane, at least she'd made an effort, which was more than he could say for most of the cunts present. They'd all looked exquisitely scandalized, except his little sister, who'd fallen asleep and would wake up crying for her mommy later, not realizing the irreversible nature of what had happened.</p><p>There'd been white at the therapist's office, in the form of paper on which he'd scribbled dirty poetry and wacky design ideas. Still, he couldn't hate on the shrinks too much. One of them had seen his drawings and given him his first mechanic's manual, opened the door to all those little inventions he'd been so proud of before he met Donnie, an intellect on a scale that Casey hadn't even thought <em>existed.</em></p><p>But before Donnie, before the first masks, there had been fury. Taking out his pain and abandonment on walls, trees, other kid's faces. He'd once gotten suspended from the hockey team for breaking the finger of a guy whose name he couldn't even remember.</p><p>He got drunk in the cemetery and puked on his mother's grave before scrubbing it off the next morning, hungover and weeping. When he had nothing else to hurt, he herself himself, leaving deep white scratches in his arms. They all faded, but the memory remains, and sometimes the temptations follows.</p><p>One day his sister came home munching on some candy, and she said she'd gotten it from a nice man on the school playground. Casey followed his sister to the playground the next day, even though she was supposed to carpool, watching from a distance as a man wearing the hat she had mentioned had mingled with the ground, talking and laughing with the real dads like he was one of them. He saw the man rest a hand on his sister's backpack, looking down at her with a hungry smile.</p><p>When his sister went home, Casey followed the man as he left. He tracked his prey all the way back to his apartment, concealed by his youth and skinny frame and white skin. He bulled in after the man as he shot the door, pulling on his hockey mask and unslinging the stick from his back.</p><p>The world melted into white and red, and when it was over the man wasn't moving.</p><p>Casey searched the pace, looking for evidence of the guy's name so he could look him up later. He found it, along with some other interesting evidence that he scattered all over the man's body before leaving the apartment.</p><p>Later, he went online and found out that the man in question was currently in a coma. On the off chance he ever woke up, the cops would want to ask him about the child pornography found in his apartment.</p><p>Casey felt...better. Not like the anger was cured, far from it, but it might have lessened a little.</p><p>He wondered: if he was going to hurt people, why not go after guys who deserved it?</p><p>And so came the weapons, tools in his crusade. And the war paint, a disguise more intimate than any conventional mask. The late nights out, the violence, the many quiet horrors he'd witnessed and the few he'd been able to stop.</p><p>One day, there was April, beautiful and pristine and balanced, at least on the outside. Then there was a dark street, and a boy in what Casey assumed was a costume until he saw it bruise. The boy had eyes like emerald fire and wielded twin knives like there were extensions of his body. His very existence was an impossibility, something that hinted at a much wider universe than Casey had ever imagined.</p><p>What else could he do, but follow him home?</p><p>Afterwards...well, the turtles had a way of sucking you into their lives. Casey wasn't a ninja, hadn't been trained to fight before he could talk. He didn't even have the power boiling under April's skin, the one that sometimes helped her predict her enemy's movements with her barely noticing. But he had some crazy idea of standing with them anyway.</p><p>When the aliens invaded, Casey had wound up in charge of an unconscious Leo. He'd spent half the time looking for his family and the other half checking Leo's breathing, just a little bit terrified of what would happen to him after it inevitably stopped. He didn't think they'd leave him to die, but, well...They didn't really know him that well, and Donnie (who was somehow in charge, dear God) hated his guts.</p><p>But Leo didn't die, not even with his bones creaking every time he breathed and bruises dotting his skin and blood crusted around his mouth and and nose and fingernails. For six months he clung to life in that tub, and when he wasn't having panic attacks about the fate of his own family Casey was bracing for the inevitable death, the following funeral and three-turtle meltdown.</p><p>And there nearly <em>was</em> afuneral--but not Leo's. Casey has a very vivid memory of coming into the lower bathroom, the Leo-less one, to find Donnie wrapping gauze around his bloody wrists. "I changed my mind!" he said frantically, while Casey stared at the vivid white against green skin, paralyzed by memories of broken bone and fallen teeth.</p><p>He got April, because even if she wasn't as balanced as she'd pretended she was still undoubtably the most mature, conscious person in the house. She kept Donnie in his room until his wrists had time to heal, telling the others that he was sick and roping Casey into helping with what was essentially a glorified suicide watch.</p><p>Even afterwards, April and Casey kept a close eye on Donnie for what Casey assumed would be forever because he didn't think Leo was walking out of that bathroom until the day he did exactly that.</p><p>And Casey started to get the sneaking suspicion that he was out of his league.</p><p>"They're not like us," he told April, afterwards, when they were both a little tipsy on her dad's beer.</p><p>She raised an eyebrow, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Really?"</p><p>"Not just the...obvious stuff," he muttered, squirming awkwardly in his chair. "I mean, the mutagen was supposed to put them on a human level, right? But it didn't. It made them...more."</p><p>"More?" she asked quietly.</p><p>"Leo should be dead," Casey said. "You know it, I know it, even if they don't. And Raph should be dead after what the Creep did to him. And Donnie couldn't possibly have saved him, saved either of them, not with what he had...."</p><p>He looked over at the turtles, eating pizza around the table. "It's not possible to for Donnie to be that smart, not at his age," he says quietly. "And Leo...he's not like Donnie, but he's at a higher level than either of us, and I don't think he notices. I've seen Raph shatter brick with his bare hands, and he wasn't even trying. Mikey....when he's in the Zone, you literally can't <em>touch</em> him. I think he could dodge bullets, one day."</p><p>"And you..." he glanced at April. "The only reason we're alive is that you did something that no human being has ever done. You fried an alien brain with your <em>mind</em>. And if you could do that to him--fuck, you could do that to everyone."</p><p>She shifted. "Casey..."</p><p>"Do you think you guys will replace us someday?" he asked. He wasn't even angry about it, and the lack of that familiar rage frightened him.</p><p>"Don't be ridiculous," she said firmly, pouring him another cup. "Now, drink some more so you can get past the maudlin stage."</p><p>So he drank, and he woke up with a throbbing hangover, and even if it wasn't quite enough to bury his ugly ruminations completely, he could still scrape up enough confidence to keep fighting at their side.</p><p>Because they may be mutants, and they may or may not conquer the world someday, but they don't have that extra searing dose of <em>crazy</em> that comes courtesy of one Casey Jones.</p><p>Fast forward to a lonely road, to a monstrous car with a purple headband. And Casey in desperate pursuit, trying so hard to save him while images of lost teeth and wrecked cars flashed in his mind.</p><p>(his mother's bones had been poking through her skin, he could see white where white shouldn't be, he could see the opening in her skull where her ruined brain had escaped, and when the Speed Demon smiled at him he heard her say <em>It's gonna be okay, baby).</em></p><p>He saved Donnie, somehow. And later he found him curled up in the barn, drunk and weeping, trembling too hard to move. When Casey tried to haul him off to bed he clung on like a limpet, ridiculously strong, whispering about how cold he was, how he needed to feel <em>something</em> that wasn't the painful pump of gasoline in his veins, the Speed Demon's roar in his head.</p><p>And Casey was drunk, too, and Donnie always looked so slender and pretty when he was drunk, and sometimes he had sex dreams about April that turned into sex dreams about Donnie, and maybe there was a whole "I love you so I yell at you" thing going on that only April had really picked up on....</p><p>So they fucked. Thigh-fucked, rather, since they didn't have lubricant and Casey didn't want to test just what Donnie's mutant body could endure. Donnie made weird wonderful purring sounds, his eyes flickering white as he writhed in Casey's arms, the white of lilies and fresh snowfalls instead of broken bones and teeth. They stuck their tongues through each other's gaps, and the things that were supposed to make ugly tasted surprisingly sweet.</p><p>Donnie kicked him out in the hungover aftermath, and Casey scrambled out the door feeling more walk-of-shame-y than he imagined possible. They agreed that this never happened, and most of the time they believed it.</p><p>They went home, and Casey poured that convenient fuel of crazy and rage into beating up aliens. He helped save New York, in his own small way.</p><p>But he couldn't save Raph. He wasn't even there until afterwards, when he found his best friend curled up on the bed, muttering to himself. Raph was the opposite of Donnie; he couldn't bear to be touched. He swigged down the beer Casey gave him and begged Casey for stories about his childhood, about what it was like to have a mom. Casey wracked his brain for the good parts, talking until his voice was hoarse and Raph drifted off to sleep.</p><p>A few days later, he walked into the Lair one evening and Leo slammed him against a table, fingers bruising his shoulders, eyes turned to blue fire. "Did you give it to him?" he hisses. "Did you give him the bottles, you stupid fucking bastard?"</p><p>"I don't know what the fuck you're <em>talking </em>about," Casey hissed, trying to sound mad instead of scared because he was scared, scared of dorky little Leo with his big blue eyes and sci-fi obsessions, only that Leo was gone and this was a battle-hardened warrior who could carve out his intestines and sleep soundly afterwards.</p><p>Mikey shoved him away and then they were screaming at each other in lightning-quick Japanese while Casey slunk away. He heard noises coming from the infirmary, and that was how he managed to walk in on Donnie pumping Raph's stomach.</p><p>It transpired that Raph had gotten a ton of booze from somewhere (not Casey, he swore on his mother's grave he hadn't done it and he'd never be completely sure Leo believed him). He'd started drinking, and Mikey had been the one to find him a pool of his own vomit.</p><p>They waited for hours while Donnie worked, in awkward silence. Casey prayed for the first time in a long time, hands shaking under the table.</p><p>After Raph finally was out of danger, Leo sat with him in the infirmary while Mikey made breakfast. Casey had wanted to sit with Raph, but Raph had quietly asked him to leave, his face burnt with shame, and given Leo's death-glare Casey thought it would be good to listen.</p><p>So he was sitting at the table with Donnie, not making eye contact, when Splinter walked in and told them that training would begin in an hour, if Casey wanted to participate. Casey wanted to bark that there was no way in hell the brothers should be expected to train when Raph had nearly died, but Donnie quickly shook his head, a flicker of fear in his eyes.</p><p>Splinter left and Donnie headed into the kitchen. Casey followed, wanting to ask what the fuck that was about, only to come to a dead stop when he saw Donnie asking Mikey which bowl belonged to Splinter's. His little brother solemnly pointed and looked away while Donnie shook a packet of white powder into their father's food.</p><p>"It'll kick in quickly," Donnie said reassuringly. "Just a bit of nausea this time, okay? So we don't have to train." Then they both turned around and saw Casey, coming to a dead stop.</p><p>Casey finally found his words. "What the actual--" Donnie grabbed him by the sleeve, dragging back to the Pit and onto the couch. He flicked on the TV and turned it up high, letting the newscaster's voice drown out any eavesdroppers.</p><p>"Do you know how I lost my tooth?" he asked, not meeting Casey's eyes.</p><p>"Yeah, you took it out when you were--"</p><p>"Splinter knocked it out," Donnie said quietly. "He was mad at me for talking back during training or something, I don't remember." This was a lie; Casey suspected that he remembered that day in perfect detail. "And that thing we told you about Raph's plastron being cracked by the Kraang was bullshit. Splinter did that, too."</p><p>Casey stared. He'd couldn't speak, couldn't move, was paralyzed by the very vivid impulse to do to Splinter what he'd done to that man who threatened his sister, so long ago.</p><p>"He loves us," Donnie said quickly. "He can be sweet, sometimes--he's always sweet with April, because she's Miwa 2.0. But he...he'll push us too far, get paranoid, think we're getting soft or rebellious. And other times...other times he's just mad at the world, and he needs someone to take it out on."</p><p>"What else does he do?" Casey asked quietly.</p><p>Donnie shrugged. "Nerve pinches, whippings, choking, cold showers, forcing us to overexercise or undereat. Locking one of us in a box--he went really overboard trying to 'cure' Raph's phobia for a while. Saying cruel things, the kind of things you can't really take back."</p><p>He rubbed his neck. "So I started making stuff for his food. If we're lucky it's just to tame him before he goes too far, like today. He doesn't like us seeing him when he's sick, and things are better when Leo's in charge. And other times, it's....punishment, I guess. Sores, diarrhea, blisters, hallucinations....after the plastron I gave him full-body paralysis for a few hours."</p><p>He glanced back at the kitchen. "Mikey's the only one who knows. Raph and Leo might suspect, I don't know. Splinter...I mean, I <em>think </em>he doesn't know. If he did, I'd probably be dead. But sometimes I wonder, with his senses...maybe he knows. Maybe it's just a profoundly fucked-up balancing act or something." He dropped his head in his hands.</p><p>For a few moments they sat there in silence, before Casey said, "I didn't lose my teeth in a hockey accident." And he told Donnie about the car crash, and the accident that wasn't really an accident.</p><p>"We're all so fucked up," Donnie murmured, slumped against the couch.</p><p>Casey didn't reply, because sometimes there's nothing you can say about such a brutal truth.</p><p>And the hits just keep on coming, don't they? Raph finally out himself into something resembling a decent shape, after weeks of hard work and desperate love, and then he ended up befriending a militaristic dinosaur who called Armaggedeon down on their heads.</p><p>Just like that, everyone Casey ever loved was gone, and there was a split second where he understood what his mother was feeling when she crashed the car.</p><p>But there was hope in the form of the Fugitoid and his magnificent ship. And there was hope in the form of Donnie, stumbling into Casey's bed one night, shaking under the weight of what he considered his failure to not solve the riddle of the Triceratrons at time. Casey held him because he was desperate for a distraction from the guilt and grief and homesickness, the rage that he was terrified of taking it out on his closest friends.</p><p>They became each other's salvation during those long, lonely months in space. If anyone else noticed, they were too busy trying to save the human race to discuss it, not to mention keeping an eye on Raph so he didn't throw himself out of the airlock and trying to get the right pain pills from the ship's maker for Leo.</p><p>It was a purely physical bond, of course, no matter how many secrets they shared over the dark over the pillow, no matter what they whispered in each other's ears in the wild heights of climax. They didn't need each other's baggage, not when they could barely handle their own.</p><p>After they got back home and saved the world, Casey told himself that he didn't need Donnie anymore, didn't need that super-annoying, bratty genius who thought he was so much better than anyone else. His bed didn't feel cold at all, nope.</p><p>And then he saw Donnie die, saw his skin stripped away to reveal searing white bone before even that was gone, and Casey stopped kidding himself. Losing his mother had shattered him, but this froze him to the core, ripped him apart with tendrils of brutal ice. He stood on the pavement and couldn't even draw breath to scream with the others.</p><p>There was a moment when he actually wanted to kill April, before he pulled himself back enough to talk her off the ledge instead. When she brought Donnie back from the dead, Casey's knees went weak with relief.</p><p>He'd pulled Donnie close in his lab afterwards, hugging him to his chest and breathed in his scent as he squirmed without really meaning it. "I think I might love you," he whispered. Donnie hugged him back and didn't say anything, didn't seem capable of it.</p><p>When Splinter died, maybe weekend by the latest round of poisoning and maybe not, Casey knew what Donnie would do. He barged into the bathroom while the others were asleep and tackled Donnie against the wall, knocking the razor out of his hands. It clattered into the tub, glinting like steel in snow.</p><p>"It wasn't your fault," he whispered frantically, practically spitting into Donnie's earslit. "And even if it was, which it wasn't, he deserved it. You know he did." Donnie could have fought him off with ease, but he didn't. Instead he broke down crying, body shaking with the massive, earth-shattering sobs he'd held back for gods knows how long.</p><p>That was where Raph found them when he came in to brush their teeth the next morning, curled up together. Casey barely noticed his snickered, "I knew it," he was too busy burying his face in Donnie's shoulder, breathing in the deep fierce scent of his color, his <em>life.</em></p><p>They're...dating, he guesses. Or something. Casey's never been in a relationship with anyone, excepting that one asshole jock he fucked in ninth grade who called him a fag in public (his nose was never quite the same after Casey broke it).</p><p>He and Donnie fuck, they fight, they make up, they work on projects together, they talk about the most intense shit and nothing at all. According to April, who's currently sleeping with the crazy witch Karai brought back from Japan, this counts as dating.</p><p>Casey still loses himself to the fury, sometimes, and has to go take it out on someone who's not Donnie. Donnie still lets the guilt and sadness claim him sometimes, and clings on to him like a depressed spider to the point of suffocation. But Donnie always forgives him for disappearing, and Casey's always ready to cling back.</p><p>So Casey shakes the past away, as best he can, and finishes scrubbing off the face paint, watching white and black and grey rush down the drain. He heads back to the bedroom, where purple and green and red-brown are waiting for him.</p><p>"Took you long enough," Donnie mutters, pulling him close.</p><p>"Fuck you," Casey replies, and their lips lock as they set about doing exactly that.</p><p>White is the color of stress and poison, brokenness and death, but it's also the color of the blank pages on which we write the future. And Casey has a few good ideas in mind for his.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. X</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"It's just so...<em>weird</em>, you know?"</p><p>"Mmmm?" Mikey is drifting up near the ceiling, watching the wallpaper shift and glow in the bedroom's light. He flexes his feet in Mondo's tail, wrapped around his leg like the string on a balloon. It's the only thing holding him down.</p><p>"X," Mondo replies, gazing up at him from below. "It's, just...like, you put a stick on top of another stick, and than you have a word that sounds like..." He makes a noise that reminds Mikey of a gun safety clicking. "And that means treasure and porn with a lot of girls and freaky shit in math class and....I don't know, it's weird?"</p><p>"We're weird," Mikey points out. Mondo's scales are rippling and shifting beneath him, spelling out words in a language he can't read. There's music in the corner, with what sounds like Leo singing along, even though Leo isn't here and he'd never sing a song with this many curse words.</p><p>"Mondo," he asks, "What did we take?"</p><p>Mondo shrugged. "Don't really remember. Why?"</p><p>Mikey thinks about it, only to realize that.... "No reason," he admits.</p><p>His arms are tingling a little, and when he looks down he sees flowers sprouting from the dark bruises on his arms. They're soft yellow and white flowers, edged in darkest red and bearing hungry black hearts.</p><p>Raph had held him too hard again, his eyes blank and wild the way they got sometimes. Then he'd gotten in another fight with Leo, and they'd been screaming so loud, and Donnie wouldn't open his door, and Mikey had had to get out of there.</p><p>"And in comics, when people die, their eyes go X sometimes," Mondo continues. "Like, shouldn't it be Z instead of X, 'cause X is the final letter?"</p><p>"They don't do that in real life," Mikey says. He seems enough people die to know that that doesn't ever really happen.</p><p>But sometimes....sometimes he'll have nightmares of his brothers and friends dying, of Mondo dying, and their eyes will go X like Mondo's talking about. And he knows why it happens.</p><p>"It's crossing things out," he says. "X means that something's gone, erased, taken away."</p><p>Mondo frowns. "That sucks."</p><p>"It does," Mikey agrees. "It really, really does. He thinks he can glimpse his father's eyes in Mondo's scales, and the sight sends tears quivering into his eyes.</p><p>"Hey, don't cry," Mondo says; Splinter's eyes disappear as his face wrinkles in concern. "I don't want you to cry."</p><p>He tugs on Mikey's legs, trying to pull him back to earth, but the flowers brush against the wall, blocking his progress. "Can't," he says. "Arms."</p><p>Mondo's eyes narrow in misunderstanding. "That bad, huh?"</p><p>Mikey wants to say that's not what he means, but then again...maybe Mondo knows exactly what he means, even if he can't see the flowers. "Yeah," he replies.</p><p>"Your brother's a dipshit," Mondo states. "You want me to kill him?"</p><p>Mikey snickers at that, at the idea of anyone killing his brother. No one could kill Raph <strike>except Raph, and he hasn't hurt himself in weeks, that Mikey knows of.</strike></p><p>"I'm serious," Mondo says. "Kurtzman's got a gun I could lift anytime. You want him gone, he's gone."</p><p>"It's fine," Mikey tells him. The flowers start rotting at his words, and he doesn't know whether it's in support or condemnation. The petals drift off his arms as he swims back to the earth, straddling Mondo, wrapping his legs around the lizard's in an attempt to ground himself.</p><p>He feels like he's hanging upside down off the ceiling of the sky, but he can live with that. He's a teenage mutant ninja turtle; he can live with a lot of things.</p><p>"Sometimes I feel like people are watching me," he whispers in Mondo's ear. "And I'm not even high when it happens. I feel their eyes on my skin, and I know ninjas aren't supposed to be seen, but I'm not scared. It's like...they're supposed to be here, you know?" He plants a soft kiss on Mondo's cheek. "X marks the spot."</p><p>"I used to hate them," he admits. "I didn't understand how they could watch all the bad things that happened to my family without doing anything. And then I realized...maybe they can't help, even if they tried. Not in normal ways anyway."</p><p>He plants two more kisses on Mondo's eyes, kissing away the Xs, blessing him with immortality, maybe. "But they can help by loving us, by caring, by giving a <em>reason </em>for all the bad things that happen." His kisses trail down Mondo's necks. "They hope for us, they fear for us, and that means we're worth hoping and fearing us."</p><p>Mondo blinks at him through cloudy, red-rimmed eyes. "You talk weird when you're high, Mikey."</p><p>"So do you," Mikey says, planting a kiss on Mondo's neck. He takes Mondo's hands place them on his hips, wraps them around his tail. "You just don't notice until later."</p><p>Mondo's grip tightens, a bit of beautiful hunger flashing in the mist. "You ever fucked while high?" he asks.</p><p>"No. You?"</p><p>"Nah."</p><p>Their fingers slide slowly over each other's bodies, getting lost in supposedly familiar folds of skin. Mondo's face breaks apart and reforms before Mikey's eyes, a human kaleidescope shattering into Picasso knockoffs. His hand tangles in Mikey's mask tails, blunt nails scraping the back of his skull.</p><p>Mikey quietly asks the watchers to leave them in peace, and they do.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Young</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sequel to <a href="#section0013">Mourning</a>.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Artemisia Hamato loves the color pink and the TV show <em>Space Heroes</em>. Most people call her Sia, unless they're really mad or introducing her to strangers. Sometimes she can feel people's thoughts now, although her daddy says she should never do that without their express permission. She <em>tries, </em>she really does, but sometimes she wonders into people's heads without meaning to and has to scamper out before they can feel her.</p><p>Her daddy says that one day, she might be able to move things into her mind. Sia sometimes tries to do it when she's really bored, but it hasn't happened yet.</p><p>On her fifth birthday, Sia wakes up and sends a spike of excitement in the direction of her twin brother, Vincent, on the other side of the bedroom. <em>We're five!</em> she tells him.</p><p><em>G'way, </em>Vinny shoots back, burying his face in his pillow. He has red hair, olive skin, and freckles like Sia, but his eyes are red-brown rather than blue.</p><p><em>We're </em><em>five, </em>Sia reminds him sternly, unimpressed at his slovenly behavior.</p><p><em>G'<strong>way,</strong></em> he repeats more firmly, shoving her out of his head. Sia tosses a pillow at him and trots out of the room.</p><p>First she sticks her head in the dojo, where her uncle Leo is meditating. "I'm five!" she tells him. She uses her voice, because people are always telling her to talk more, and sometimes they refuse to respond if she talks to them in their heads.</p><p>"Happy Birthday, Sia," he says. His mind feels different than usual, softer at the edges, the way it's always get when he's meditating. She can still sense the cracks in it, though, the strange places that don't fit right.</p><p>Sia poked one of those cracks, once, when she was three, and saw a confused flash of snow and blood. Whatever is was made Uncle Leo fall on his side, screaming and clutching his leg. After he figured out what she had done, her daddy sat them both down and told them they must never poke anyone's mind, because minds are fragile things.</p><p>Uncle Leo's screams were burned into their brain, and even he got better and wasn't mad at her Sia knew she had would never poke one of those cracks again.</p><p>This isn't a time for thinking of such things, though, so she skips off to the bedroom shared by Uncle Leo and Aunt Karai. Aunt Karai lies curled up on the bed, the hallway light glinting on her black hair and white scales. "I'm five!" Sia tells her, and is greeted with a muffled groan. Aunt Karai is not what her Daddy calls a "morning person."</p><p>Aunt Karai's mind is full of spiderwebbed cracks, so many that Sia and Titus once thought she was sick. Daddy said she wasn't sick in the least, she'd just had some "problems." He'd tell them more about it when they were older, he said.</p><p>She pauses to poke her head into the pit, smiling at the heap of shiny presents, and into the kitchen, where the cake waits for her in all its glorious, green-and-pink glory.</p><p>Uncle Casey and Uncle Raph are rather grumpy when Sia wakes them up. "Con-gra-tu-fucking-lations," Uncle Raph mutters, flopping back on the pillow while Uncle Casey immediately starts snoring again.</p><p>"You're not surprised to swear, Uncle Raph," Sia reminds him sternly.</p><p>"And you're not supposed to wake people up at the crack of dawn, but we can't all get what we want."</p><p>Uncle Mikey and Uncle Leatherhead are much nicer when Sia wriggles into their massive furry nest. "Oooh, slap me three!" Mikey chortles, raising his hand. Sia obliges, even though he has three fingers and she has five so she guesses it's sort of eight?</p><p>She stops by the shrine, bowing to each of the pictures the way she's seen Uncle Leo do. "I'm five, Grandpa Splinter. I'm five, Grandpa Shen. I'm five, Grandma Elizabeth. I'm five, Grandpa Kirby."</p><p>Sia leans forward, propping herself against a wall to kiss her mother's photograph. "I'm five, Mommy." Her mommy smiles from a picture of her with Sia's uncles, wearing her cool black jumpsuit with her Tessen and tanto.</p><p>Finally, she slips into her daddy's room, where he's just powering up for the day. "I'm five, Daddy!" she practically shouts, jumping onto his lap.</p><p>She can't read his mind; although she can feel it behind the waves of buzzing electricity. It's a kind of consciousness like no other, but she knows it's a mind that loves her, and she loves it.</p><p>He wraps her in his cool metal arms, electric eyes looking down at her tenderly. "I know, sweetheart," he says, running his fingers through his hair. "Happy birthday, my flower."</p><p>"I said to hi to everyone, even Mommy and the Grandpas and Grandmas, and Uncle Raph said a swear," she informs him happily.</p><p>"Did he?" Daddy asks. "I'll have to scold him later. Where's your brother?"</p><p>"Still asleep," she replies.</p><p>"Well, we'll let him sleep for a little while," he says, scooping her up as he makes his way out of the lab. "It's not like we have school today or anything."</p><p>There are schools for mutant kids now, but Daddy prefers to homeschool them. They have some ninja training, too, although Titus and Sia sometimes overhear Daddy fighting with their uncles about how much they should get. <em>We're not fighting a war anymore! </em>he reminds them. <em>For now, </em>they'll reply.</p><p>He carries her towards the kitchen, where she can already hear Uncle Mikey bustling around, making pancakes. "Can we go to the park later on?" she begs. She know Daddy doesn't like the park, where people stare at him because he's a robot, even though Sia is always there to glare back at them. Her daddy is <em>her</em> daddy, and being a robot doesn't mean he loves her and her brother any less.</p><p>"Of course," he replies and Sia squeal with glee.</p><p>"And Aunt Shini and Aunt Alopex and Uncle Alopex and Uncle Slash and everybody are coming over?" she asks.</p><p>"Yes," he says, hoisting her onto his hip. "Let's just hope they don't set anything on fire this time." Aunt Shini had tried to "spice up" their fourth birthday cake and created a wicked cool blaze. It actually hadn't tasted that bad, to be honest, although Sia could have done without all the yelling.</p><p>"Good morning, dude and dudette!" Uncle Mikey calls, standing over a pot of steaming batter while Uncle Leo makes coffee for the other adults.</p><p>"Good morning, Uncle Mikey," Sia replies as Daddy sets her down at the kitchen table. Vinny totters into the kitchen with his hair sticking out in every direction, letting out a soft yawn. "Man after my own heart," Daddy says fondly, picking him up and placing him in a chair besides Sia.</p><p><em>Wake </em>up, Sia tells him firmly. <em>There are pancakes.</em></p><p>Somehow, Daddy knows, the way he always does when she's using her powers. "Are you going to use your words, Sia?" he asks.</p><p>Sia lets out a dramatic groan, but decides to cut him a break. "There are <em>pancakes," </em>she says aloud, giving Titus a poke. "Wake <em>up."</em></p><p>"Better," Daddy says. "But can we keep the poking to a minimum?"</p><p>"Yeah, no poking your brother unless he's being a jerk," Uncle Mikey chimes in. "But Titus the Mightus and Super-Sia are <em>not </em>jerk material, are they?" He swoops down and ruffles their hair, prompting twin giggles of deligh.</p><p> </p><p>Sia doesn't know that her mother died before she was born, not really. She doesn't know that her Uncle Casey refused to go near her the first few months of her existence, that he hated her Daddy for "breeding" her dead mother's cells, only to finally give in when he realized how much she and her brother looked like her. She doesn't know that there are small shrines in her father's lab for the four little lives that didn't make it past the development stage.</p><p>When she puts these truths together, though, she won't be mad, because the very powers that helped her figure it out also gave her a gift for understanding. And she'll also understand that she and her brother are some of the most dangerous creatures in the world; that even in a mutated New York they are something very rare.</p><p>She doesn't know what they'll do with her strange gifts, and neither does her father and family. But they're all certain that they'll be something great, and--more importantly--something good. </p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Zen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TMNT 2012.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When he was human, meditation was just another aspect of Hamato Yoshi's life. After his transformation, when his enhanced nose was jammed with a piercing cacophony of scents, when the cries of his recently acquired children scraped the inside of his skull, meditation became a key to sanity.</p><p>He honed it over the years, using his inhuman senses to attain a skill that he had never dreamed possible before. He taught himself to see the buzzing auras of New York's inhabitants, the closest he will ever come to actually interacting with society again. And he learned to see the auras of his children, strange bright lights illuminating the darkness behind his eyes.</p><p>His own aura glows around him in a soft white pulse, a slow, sure heartbeat. It's changed from the frenetic blaze of his younger days, before his world was torn apart by someone he loved and trusted. It's grown to fit the darkness and silence that so often dominates his days, the quiet of an empty house as his children go out on their adventures. It's an aura meant to fit the firm yet gentle hand required to raise four children (possibly seven, if you counter April O'Neil and Casey Jones and Karai, oh Karai).</p><p>He lets his reach extend across the Lair, brushing each of his children. Leonardo is practicing in the dojo, his feet skipping swift and sure across the mats. His aura is a hot blue flame, exactly like the kind one would find in a burner: quiet, stalwart, able to roar to life at a moment's notice.</p><p>Leonardo's siblings would probably describe something cooler and calmer if asked to describe their brother's aura. But Splinter sees clearer, which is one of the reasons he made Leonardo leader in the first place. His elder son has a ruthless side, tightly leashed, a weapon rather than a liability.</p><p>Splinter has faith that Leonardo will always do what is necessary to protect his family--no matter whose blood he has to shed, whether his own or those of others. It saddens Yoshi, sometimes, that they lives in a world where this is necessary, and he finds himself brushing his fingers over the aura in tenderness with a hint of sorrow.</p><p>Leonardo answers with a pulse of his own, blue flickering against white. The emotions that answer his are simple: love, loyalty, gratitude for his father's acknowledgement.</p><p>Raphael shares his brother's determination and capacity for anger, but whereas Leonardo's fire is harnessed tight and deadly as a blade, Raphael's is a chaotic red inferno. It pops and crackles from where he lifts weights in his room, music thumping through his headphones.</p><p>Of all his children, Raphael is the wildest, the one most likely to cycle from English or Japanese to the hisses and clicks the children sometimes use to communicate. He is more comfortable with animals than humans, one of the many reasons why the loss of Spike was so sorrowful for everyone.</p><p>Raphael's fire can be warm sometimes, but it can also be wild and destructive, tearing apart everything in his past. Splinter does not let his children know how much the aura reminds him of Saki, sometimes, or his fears that his efforts to tame the blaze will only drive it to explode later on, the way the efforts of his own father failed with Saki.</p><p>He reminds himself that Saki never brought home injured rats and begged his Sensei to fix them the way Sensei fixed everything, never displayed Raphael's capacity for tenderness. His wayward brother's aura is red, yes, but a darker red, the color of crusted blood instead of fresh fire.</p><p>He does not touch Raphael's aura. His son has had enough of invaders messing around in his head as it is; Splinter does not want to cause another flashback to the horrors of the brain worm or the Creep.</p><p>Donatello is in his lab, fussing away at one machine or another. His violet aura is a storm, buzzing and crackling around his head in a rapid= swirl of thoughts and ideas. If Splinter tried to touch it, he might very well end up with his fingers burned.</p><p>Splinter remembers the day he saw what Donatello was capable of, the day his son managed to repair a broken toaster at the age of eight with no manual in sight. He'd hid it well, but he couldn't resist a flicker of fear at the idea that his son would one day outstrip him, outstrip everyone in their tiny little world. He got over it quickly, though, learning to embrace his son's gift instead of worrying about, to trust that Donatello would use his impossible talents for good.</p><p>He never told anyone about his fears, same way he never told anyone about the way Donatello's aura had always looked just a little different from the others, his scent a hair off. Not wrong, exactly...just different. It was only when they met April that he felt that difference in here, too, and discovered that that difference meant Kraang.</p><p>Mutagen comes from the Kraang, after all. And if Donatello held a touch more of the alien than him than the others, if that was what fueled his extraordinary talents, than...well, he had never brought it up. And Splinter sees no reason to, not when Donatello is as much his son as any of the others.</p><p>He moves on to Michelangelo, making dinner in the kitchen as he sings to Taylor Swift. He's playing with his cat, a pink candle flame next to the garden of orange flowers that forms his aura. The petals shift and ripple nonstop, kept in constant motion by an unseen wind.</p><p>Yes, Michelangelo is always moving, chattering or pulling pranks or fleeing one of his brothers. In battle, Splinter has caught glimpses of his blinding speed, of the heights he could achieve if he could only apply himself. It's a source of constant frustration for him, trying to keep his son's wriggling focus long enough to mold him into a proper warrior. And if he ever succeeded...well, then, of all the boys Splinter thinks he might be the first to defeat his father in combat.</p><p>At his very presence Michelangelo's aura spreads almost on instinct, reaching out to touch his father's. Of all his brothers, he is by far the most sensitive and generous, the most highly attuned to the emotions of his others...and the best at hiding his own. Even Splinter can have trouble reading him sometimes, to tell if he's angry or sad behind the bright bursts of humor.</p><p>This worries him sometimes, but he's still able to pick up on the hidden cores of strength inside Michelangelo's aura. The brightest flowers often comes with hidden thorns, after all, and Michelangelo's are sharp and tough after all. Splinter sends a bit of peaceful feeling his way, and is rewarded with what he knows is a flare of genuine love.</p><p>Splinter lets himself stretch farther, to let his sense flow out of the Lair and into the surrounding tunnels. He can pick up on two auras approaching, home from school and ready to enjoy the weekend. They move quickly and confidently, tossing bits of conversation back and forth as they navigate the shadows with ease.</p><p>April O'Neil is in the lead, her aura flashing and snapping in bright tendrils of lightning. She sends a greeting Splinter's way before he can even think of initiating communication, a strong pulse of emotion and respect flickering between their minds.</p><p>The sense of the alien has only grown in her since they met, turning her aura into something very different than Splinter has ever encountered. Oddly enough, that makes him trust her more. She may look human, but she is bound to them by her inhumanity, the thing that first put her in the Kraang's crosshairs and brought her to his sons' attention.</p><p>Here is another secret Splinter keeps: at the very beginning, he seriously contemplated getting rid of April for good. She was an outsider who couldn't possibly understand the fragile little world he'd built, who might very easily make them the target of aliens or--worse, because he knew exactly what horrors they were capable of--humans.</p><p>He'd even gone so far as to slip out and stand outside her apartment, contemplating ways to make it seem like an accident, so that his sons might grieve a little before moving on. He'd reach out to study her soul in detail....and what he'd found was goodness, love, strength, an ability to accept the strange even before she knew how much that label applied to her.</p><p>Splinter spared her life, and has always been grateful to himself for doing so. She has become a daughter to him...a second daughter, that is, not a replacement for Miwa, whatever small attempts he might have made to treat her so before discovering his blood child's survival.</p><p>On April's heels comes Casey Jones, his wild grey tornado howling and roaring. He has become--well, not exactly a son to Splinter, he has to admit. The boy shows no interest in finesse and focus of ninjitsu, not to mention the fact that he introduced himself by leading a horde of homicidal robots to their doorstep.</p><p>Still, Casey has a raw, fierce talent similar to Michelangelo's that renders him an effective warrior. His heart seems to be a good one, and he's managed not to spill their secrets to anyone or blow up the Lair with his ridiculous pucks. Most importantly, Raphael connects with him the way Splinter has never seen him bond with anyone, their auras flowing together seamlessly.</p><p>They share the same chaotic appetites, but somehow they manage to balance each other's darker impulses out, or at least direct them towards the people who deserves it. Splinter can't say he's jumping with joy over his son's vigilantism, but he supposes it's a good way to hone one's skills and use them to make a difference, the way Yoshi's father always wanted him to.</p><p>Casey would just be spooked if Splinter touched his aura (he's still getting over the rat thing, a telepathic rat would set them all back for miles), so he doesn't bother. Instead Splinter lets himself reach ever farther, until his consciousness brushes the heaving rainbow mass that is New York City.</p><p>If he concentrates hard enough he might be able to catch a flash of his blood daughter's soul, although he hasn't yet managed to locate or speak to her yet. Miwa's aura is silver, a sharp tight flame in a shape similar to Leonardo's. They are reflections of each other, both turning their darker impulses into weapons in an arsenal, although Miwa uses hers far more freely. It makes him wonder if she would have grown up like Leonardo if she'd been kept in his care, although considering such things for long always make his heart hurt.</p><p>He's spent hours straining for just a glimpse of her, and even that small glimpse feels worth all his effort. He has faith that he'll find her again, that one day her aura will join the others in the Lair. Her very survival is proof that miracles can happen, after all.</p><p>Should he push too far, he might run into Saki's grim maroon glower, and have to backtrack quickly. Speaking to the man he once called brother will only lead to an exchange of hatred and recrimination, possibly worse if Saki manages to find the Lair through their communication.</p><p>On the other hand, Splinter might find himself drifting up above the crowd, into the nebulous space between worlds. On lucky day's he might pick up on Tang Shen's bright bold soul, a garden similar to Michelangelo's. He's never been able to touch her, though, and he suspects he won't until he's joined her on the other side of the divide.</p><p>Once, Splinter rose far enough to glimpse another version of himself, a smaller brown rat with a simple wooden stick and a plainer robe. But he carried himself with a warlord's bearing, his aura roaring white-hot, and something about him bore the weight of centuries. If he noticed Splinter's presence, he did not deign to acknowledge him.</p><p>Now, though, is not the time of exploration. Now is the time to pull himself back to consciousness, to go greet his guests and help Michelangelo set the table. He allows his breathing to quicken just a little, as the shimmering auras fade back to the edges of his consciousness.</p><p>Splinter opens his eyes and rises to his feet, tucking his mat away with all the other precious things in his room. Then he takes his stick and goes to seek the special kind of inner peace that only comes from being with the people you love.</p>
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